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I'm a Forgive Once person. Here's what reconciliation after cheating looks like to someone like me.
You take your doubts, pain, and disgust to a confidant, clergy, or counselor, and show your partner only positivity. You fake it til you make it. Awkward at first, but with repetition it becomes more natural, and finally, with luck, genuine.
And if, after you've gone all in, and given it your very best effort, your luck fails you, you can end it with a clear conscience. You will have kept your promise to forgive, and you will have done all that anyone could possibly expect. Hope this helps.
Yes let’s all hope and pray that he isn’t just brazenly asking for tips on how to sexually assault someone.
why do you have to quit your job?
Thank Merlin. Someone mentioned this.
Well, I like to look at the positives.
You got to hit the dumbass in the nuts before he removed himself from your life.
Seriously, you are worth more than this. He’s a piece of shit. Be happy it’s over. Good partners don’t do this. Find one of those instead.
What relationship advice are you looking for?
I could have missed it, I'm tired.
You can't judge the health of a relationship during times of shared stress, especially during the kind of exam pressure you are both in right now. I wouldn't prescribe anything just yet, it could be a deeper emotional problem, or it could just be the last year of school before university. Be there for him, comfort him, be a good friend and continue to let him know that you care about him. That's all you can do until further notice.
divorce NOW
I don’t see how I’m making this about me
It sounds like you’ve already have a discussion about it because he’s not sure if he met the mark or not.
When you inevitably have a follow up conversation, make sure you express gratitude first. Make sure you fully acknowledge where’s he’s coming from before you talk about your feelings. When you get a “that’s exactly right” signal from him, that’s a good sign that you’ve successfully convinced him you understand his POV.
The next step is to ask him questions that will force him to exercise empathy for you. For example, ask him something along the lines with “If you grew up like me, what expectations would you have around Christmas?”. Don’t try to force your POV on him, because it doesn’t seem he truly understands how it makes you feel. Just keep asking calibrated questions that guide him to your POV.
Hopefully after he understands how you truly feel, he will get you something that you both can feel good about.
Shit, I was too late
The post and account are already gone
oh ignore them. I was diagnos
Stick around for her and keep trying to get her to see for herself what a jerk her bf is. There really isn't much else you can do.
You are both in danger from both of them. Their household clearly used violence as a form of discipline, which, as the mountains of evidence and studies suggests, is extremely dangerous for multiple reasons for both you and your child.
Either if them hitting your child or yourself is not acceptable, normal or safe.
You should definitely contact the police, even just to notify them that it happened.
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No sweetheart, he will. If you stay he will hit you again as he has proof you won't leave and that you will blame his behaviour on someone else.
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You should be with someone, who wants to be with you.
Did you read the part where I said ONE of these guys is asking to me in a relationship?
Yes, she's toxic. She dumped you and now she's treating you as if you're an old coat that she only wears when she has no other clean laundry.
But what am I supposed to do really?
Ask her. Then walk through the answer step by step.
Mum says “pick me”. Ask your mum how that will affect her. Talk it through until she settles on a definite statement eg. “I can't accept that betrayal from your father, then you”. Then explore the reality of picking her…What will it change? How will her life improve? Demand (nicely) concrete examples of improvements beyond “my feelings will be hurt”. Your mum might have valid concerns (like the young wife taking digs at her) or it might simply be fear of losing you too. There might be things happening with her that you are unaware of, or you may be inadvertently and innocently triggering her sense of loss. Kids have a ringside seat to a marriage, but they will never know all the myriad ways two people can treat each other badly.
The ultimate destination is your mum realising that her ex husband is still causing her problems, but that she can solve this specific situation by eliminating him from her life instead of keeping him present through controlling you. As long you both commit to avoid him as a subject then there's no reason for him to be present in any way.
Now do the process for yourself in relation to each parent and the brothers. If you remove yourself from the daily life of any of these players then they'll survive without you; just as you would survive without them. Life just keeps on truckin'. Following a worry or concern to it's likely end helps us get some perspective when emotions are tangled. Sometimes the worry is worse than reality.
Life is also full of potentially curly questions, and that's why we try to have defined morals and values. These and our conscience are our guides; a way to measure the issue against your values and see if they can exist together. Values help to decide your course of action because we must choose to honour or deny them.
Cheating and divorce has consequences which can't be avoided. Cheating can not only destroy a marriage, it also destroys the family unit which includes the kids, in-laws and family friends. It also has financial implications which can impact everything from having a secure home and being able to afford health treatment and maintenance, to being forced into insecure or exploitative work. Most adults heading towards middle-age will have ideas and plans about retirement and their future, and how their partner features in it. Losing hopes, plans and dreams has major impact. It's like a death.
Whether or not divorce is ultimately the best result doesn't mean the damage and its impact suddenly ceases to exist, but it should lessen with time as we adjust to a new reality.
Both your parents have/are behaving badly, and the kids are unfairly collateral damage.
Your mum just needs to get a handle on it and hopefully the process I described will help her see that it's time to get her ex out of her head where he's living rent free and causing issues without trying. BUT you have decisions to make as well. You're in a hot place, but your values and morals will be reflected in the way you handle this. I wouldn't judge you either way, but remember that if you wish to set hypocritical boundaries then you need to own and acknowledge them….. Otherwise you can't complain or be terribly hurt if your spouse cheats on you with a much younger beefcake and defends their actions as “it was for the best, our marriage was bad anyway.”
Ask yourself: “If I could wave a magic wand, what do I really want? What can I comfortably accept long term and in a way that reflects my values and my own current and future life choices?”
That's your starting point once you have given your mother and yourself some perspective using the process.
Good luck.
They seem very young, please don‘t move in with a man so soon. I feel so bad for your children.
I’ve written this a couple of places – but I want you to see it OP – and if you’re not lying (which is the fast track to hell amarite?)and value your Christian morals – please give a response?
From my experience these posts (or at least in the comments) OP will usually say “I have never cheated or been with someone else during that period.”
OP doesn’t do that anywhere, while also saying “the test was negative – but maybe they tampered with it?”
This makes it sound like she knows that there is a chance that it’s real, but that maybe it isn’t (or at least she’s hoping)
Lastly – if you go in and have a look on OP’s comments, in the beginning every response to the people saying “take another” she answers “no he won’t be interested” and “I just want to get to a civil place again”
This (to me) makes it look like she knows she slept with someone else around that time – and instead taking the chance with another test instead wants tips on how to get him to believe that his family is conspiring against her and drop the accusations.
He already told you he wants to end the relationship. You should cut your losses and end it. Love yourself first hun then someone who really deserve you will come along.
You are 25 yet you’re acting like you’re 15. I don’t understand what you are waiting for to grow up. Your friends use drugs and you’re out all night. Time to get new friends. I’m old enough to be your mother so I’m going to give some tough love and advice. Be like Elsa let it go. Ditch your friends because I guarantee you you do actually act different around them. You’re going to be a father it’s time to grow up. It doesn’t matter whether you stay with your girl or not. You are still responsible for the child she’s carrying. Time to put on your big boy pants and become a better person.
What that means
You arent the one who needs to make it right. You gave her what shes been asling for bc you needed her. And she turned her back on you.
She knew whatever your history was was alot. Thats why you didnt tell her before now. If she decided to call it bc she cant handle knowing this, thats fully on her. You didn't do anything you werent explicitly asked to do. What kind of partner begs to know abt their SO's past then acts like this?
Especially yours! This isnt some backstory abt how you were a horrible person who made the lives of many ppl hell. This was you getting a fucking awful lot in life and if effecting you bc Youre Human.
I am sorry but you cant make this right bc you didnt ruin it. She did.
It's not always like that when it's great it's great but when it's not it's horrible
Yeah. That is just wrong, if you ask me. No one should be forced to stay married to someone who ignores their very existence which, as I see it this is what is happening by way of using children to do it.
Life is unexpected, I certainly never thought that I would move in with anyone after a few months and I had the same time guidelines as you, but life didn’t work out that way and luckily it worked out in the end! Now I think when you know you know, and timelines are pretty arbitrary.
Of course you did the right thing. When you’re in a relationship you’re in a relationship with the one person, not in a relationship with the one person and your ex.
She’s insane if she thinks any guy with a modicum of self-respect will put up with that crap. She’ll either move back to Australia and her ex permanently or she’ll be a very lonely woman when she gets older.
You meanwhile can look for someone who will fully commit to making your relationship work. All the best.
TBH, it sounds like you two shouldn't actually be in a relationship. Arguing every day is NOT normal.
Well, that makes him boyfriend of the year doesn't it. He imprisoned you unlawfully but he eventually let you make a phone call. Honestly, if you stay one more night under that roof, you will be the author of your own destruction.
I think I do love him and especially now that I’ve seen how hot the cheating had affected him, I realised he had genuine feelings for me too.
Buys me something without expecting me to pay him back right away – that’s why I mean. And yes, we pay 50/50 for groceries. One day I’ll go to the store and pay and next day he’ll go.
This! I’m so outraged.
Do something! You are their boss!
There has been some odd stories about babies swapped at the hospital. Has your mom been tested and confirmed she is yours?
Yes, it would. All these posts about people trying to control what their partner is doing for fear their partner is going to cheat make me laugh because if their partner wants to cheat, they will regardless of the level of policing.
You’re boyfriend lives sober. He’s not going to be impaired. So I’m not sure how going to a rave is different than going to the grocery store. Do you trust him going to the grocery store? Maybe you’re worried because people around him will be impaired and your boyfriend will take advantage of that. If that’s the case then you shouldn’t be worried that he will cheat on you, you should be worried that he’s a rapist. General rule: rapists make horrible boyfriends – horrible people actually.
Nope absolutely not.
I think the first thing you should do is try not to be angry about this. I think you should continue with the nonchalant approach and try not to get too wound up about it. Keep the lines of communication open without blaming your past trauma on her. Does she tell you where they go and/or what they do or only that she's spending the day with tattoo guy? Does she seem to be generally happier and more fulfilled and less robotic since she's been spending Sundays with tattoo guy? That'd be good, right? Do you know how much they communicate other than spending Sundays together? How much does she talk about him to you? Does she know you're not happy about the situation?
All you can do is trust her and try to keep communicating without accusations or confrontations.
Why is he still with you, if he resents you? What is the point?
If you keep thinking about breaking up with him, you should absolutely not be having children with him.
And men's sperm starts to degrade after the age of 35, leading to more pregnancy complications and an increase risk of birth defects.
Also, it's super fucking gross that a 40 year old man went after a 24 year old woman.
It sounds like you are now acting out to get her attention in an attempt to get control as well.
The only thing you should be doing here is not feeding into the game. Stop posting vague things to get a rise out of her, stop trying to find her alt accounts, stop waiting for a reaction from her.
Move on. Even if she keeps throwing a fit or looking at your social media, stop responding or reacting.
i think it’s something you should do because that way he can know how you feel about him about the whole situation because he doesn’t know that’s probably why he thinks it’s okay to continue doing what he’s doing
You’ve been doing this for the longest time, and I have no doubt you’ve seen some shit that is hot to deal with. I’m really hoping you’re looking after your own mental health as well, Ebbie.
I’m actively trying not to, that’s why I posted. Guy 1 suddenly wants a relationship after not wanting one for a while, I met guy 2 before Guy 1 said that, and the stuff with Guy 3 just happened this weekend.
OP seems to be claiming that he's not doing anything particularly shady or talking to people that she's jealous of. He could certainly be an unreliable narrator, of course, because I'm betting her reaction came from somewhere.
It's one thing to agree you'll give more access to make your spouse feel more secure. Suddenly demanding to see your spouse's phone against your prior agreement is basically an accusation of wrongdoing, and it's not weird to take it as such and be offended if you're truly innocent.
A lot of those criteria are so subjective and could really be abused by a jealous spouse, though. “Sorry, you didn't 'avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing' so now I need the passwords to all of your accounts.”
He probably has, I know I'm assuming but you are too.
thank you :/ i agree that this wasn’t very fair, but in the moment i just get worked up and try too desperately to “fix” the issue even if that means taking the blame, so i ended up feeling guilty for falling asleep which really doesn’t make sense. he said the reason he didn’t let me know he got back safe was because i wasn’t responding.. but i don’t really get that lol. i need to work on my anxiety because it’s embarrassing to have to ask for my partner to be kind to me
I agree with part of your statement but just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to privacy. If there’s trust issues regarding that then again, that’s a different relationship issue that needs to be evaluated.
I have never noticed that before but you are right. Most “girls nights” are basically them acting how they did when they were single trying to pick up guys. My brother just got into a fight with his girlfriend recently because on one of hers she ended up going to a nice restaurant with 2 guys and her friend. It was essentially a double date. Imagine if a guy did something like that. “Oh hi honey, I just met this really cool woman while out with the guys so I am going to take her to this nice steak house to have fun and then go back to her place to hang out”. Man with be hung in the street.
At this point mate your doing it to yourself. 9 times she has cheated did you get all those guys jobs? Find another 2 guys for her and you can start your own football team. Might want to do a DNA test with “your” kids.
I had the same thought. I’ve gone to crazier lengths to be a wingwoman. I once had a cohort of 12 young men in my house because ONE of my friends was into ONE of them.
The issue is that she KNEW it would bother him (she admitted he wouldn’t like it). She could have texted him a heads up before, but she didn’t. She didn’t create a space for him to set a boundary.