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it sucks but it is what it is. Better to tell him sooner. Your desire to not hurt him is actually selfish. the truth is that it will hurt him more to be in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with him. What you're saving yourself from is feelings of knowing that you hurt someone. It's ok, relationships are complicated and people are too. He might be hurt but that's life. Have to rip the band aid off.
Sometimes the flame just goes out, and only one notices, even if the other has been dousing it for years… I suggest you find peace in that she took this route instead of staying, fighting, unnecessarily prolonging her own suffering, possibly eventually projecting it unto you.
When you’re done improving yourself, and whilst doing so actually, focus on what you can still salvage. Namely your relationship with your kid. You haven’t (directly) cheated them yet. Don’t start now.