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Perhaps this bridges the gap between you two: I did a lot of reading about the poly community and boundary setting. The way I look at it is a boundary is an expression of need for yourself. Controlling is dictating the behavior of another.
Exactly. This is the message that I've been trying to convey, boundaries are rules created for ourselves. If we create rules for others, that is a controlling behavior.
So for instance: no overnights with other partners is controlling.
I need to feel prioritized in our relationship and I need your help to feel that. This allows the person to meet the need in multiple ways, perhaps it’s no overnights, but perhaps setting Sundays as home partner day, fills the need and allows for the overnights he/she wants.
In your specific situation perhaps the same applies .it sounds like him looking at porn over your shoulder hurts and you feel like he doesn’t appreciate you or isn’t attracted to you and whatever other feeling come with that.
Perhaps you need him to put effort into providing you that comfort. Maybe not looking at porn is that way. Maybe doing a nightly think to make you feel special does it for you (making dinner, drawing a bath, making time to have a good conversation).
Point being, I don’t think you want the action to stop as much as you want the negative feelings to stop.
I could not agree more with what you've written here. That is why I was asking the question of why she had a problem with Insta girls and porn.