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While it’s true that he doesn’t get to police her orgasms, if she is physically using his body while masturbating without telling him, then he has a right to be upset.
Yep. But he refuses to go see anyone or talk to anyone about it. His mental health improves when he regularly exercises, so it's a vicious circle…
Nobody respects you for acting like a tough guy.
I’ve done this too, threatening to leave. It’s not ok and shouldn’t be said unless you absolutely mean it. The reason I said things like that is because I didn’t feel heard, and had the feeling my feelings didn’t matter. So to emphasize how it made me feel I’d say I would leave, hoping that she’d realize how I feel.
I’m not excusing his behavior, as I said he shouldn’t do that, I don’t do it anymore either. I just wanted to give a possible insight in how he’s feeling. I don’t know the guy obviously and I don’t know you and I don’t know your relationship. I’m just saying
My GF does all this and I give her 1400 a month for what ever. But that is just me. She’s looking for a job now b/c she is board. And does want to go back to school and get a 4th degree/ job certificate.
I do help around the house and stuff b/c it’s my house too.
1) Your soon to be ex sounds like your mother. It's wrong for her to want you to cut off ties on the family that aren't a-holes. From what you described, cut your loses and walk 2) Go a pair and cut ties with your mom, don't invite her to your next wedding or even speak to her.
Like he wants it daily?
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He's manipulative and controlling. Obviously he doesn't want videos out there that expose his behavior. Gifts do not stay attached to the gifter. Run with your gift as he's a groomer of young girls.
He wasn't referring to her, he was referring to the relationship.
Stop twisting meanings.
My teacher told me a bit of advice I always remember:
“The wise learn from the mistakes of others. The fools learn from their own.”
Escape. Before there are kids involved. You are more than a human incubator. This guy is selfish and manipulative, and he's not on your team.
Lmaooo you're the boss ?
Honestly. Break up with him and get as many toys as you want. Any man with that amount of insecurities and controlling tendencies is really not worth it.
In every sub I’d say. Or even in general. Hats off to ebbie
Trauma can cause some weird stuff. If he had no control and couldnt stop himself peeing on her body, face, and all over her bed without her consent, I would be conserned what else he might do if triggered again, even if it is completely unintentional. I understand triggers, at the end of the day he violated her consent in a humiliating way, and wasnt able to stop himself doing so. Thats unsafe for her even if his actions are all from trauma.
If you really want to go through with that, please get a prenup.
Get an order of protection against the wife and mother if either ever darken your door.
Is there any chance he could be on the spectrum? Part of it can be a preoccupation with word meaning. I think theres a chance of this being okay if it's because he's scared of never having been in a relationship
i feel like i have a lot of love for myself, as a person per say not so much about my appearance. i love the time i have to myself it’s just constant and i wish i had others at the same time :/
I'm not like that. I will break up with my gf, I just couldn't get women to like me here so started traveling and hoped maybe I can find someone who likes me for me. I dont know man
Some people are just stupidly stubborn and over attached to their own points of view.
If I were you I would wait until I’m calmer then sit down with him and have a conversation.
Be very clear that 1. There is a big difference between a surprise and him being overly controlling 2. If he can’t figure out the difference let’s give him a general rule. If it’s going to cost over $200 (fill in your own amount) or is going to affect your life for more than one day then it isn’t a surprise so it must be discussed with you
Wait, the two of you were in a relationship when you were under 18?
True true
'—-' Uhmm… You should be grateful to what she's doing, she is probably doing more than what she can is actually able too, she for sure is not even enjoying it but she's only doing it for u and that is emotionally draining for her, you should even understand that.
SHE IS NOT ENJOYING IT AND IT IS DRAINING FOR HER TO STEP ON THAT AND LET U JUST USE HER BODY TO HAVE UR NEEDS MET. That's sad to know, I'm sorry for her and wether u'll find a way of solving it or not u should be considerate and thankful for her effort.
That's the topic I wanted to point out, I'll let the other pros take car of the other topics.
Buy a blindfold and some silk scarves, and tie her up. Make the whole encounter about her pleasure. Slow, sensual, relaxed. It's easier to let go and enjoy the moment when you're blindfolded. Use massage, kissing, toys, tease with a feather, whatever floats her boat. Eat her out a couple of times. There's nothing more awesome that just receiving.
This won't solve all your problems – you need to up your communication game for that. But I bet she could really use a few sessions of receiving pleasure with no expectations. Spend time connecting in non-sexual ways too. Arrange a sitter and take her to dinner. Get her a book by her favorite author, a nice bottle of wine, a plate of cookies, draw her a nude bath, and banish her to the bathroom for a peaceful soak while you take care of the children's nightly routine and bedtime.
Lastly, if you want her to have more energy for you and interest in sex once the kids are in bed in the evening, start pulling your weight during the rest of the day. You might work 40 hrs per week, but being a SAHM is 168 hours/week, and she's always on call. That means you would need to take on 64 hours/week of child care, housework, and on-call nights to feed the baby in order to simply make things equal.
The going rate for a nanny for two kids is $715/week. You have four, so double that. Now add in a cleaner, chef, laundry service, personal shopper, etc. She's contributing the equivalent of almost $200k in unpaid labor to your household each year, with no paid time off, 401k, or promotions.
Most people experience cheating as a private matter, not as fodder for public humiliation in the context of a college campus.
I'd think he'd have needed to take the rest of the semester off before transferring to a new campus.
The fact that he didn't go this far suggests that all things considered, he's doing reasonably well for the young man he is.
To repeat… the cheating is bad. The public humiliation accompanying that cheating weaponized his negative experience of it.
It sounds like she’s 100% correct that you view her as a casual girlfriend. You should let her know that.
You wouldn't trust her either? That seems like a you issue and not their issue.
It's not black and white. It's why so many rape victems don't come forward right away. It's not an easy thing to #1 process, and #2 come forward.
It may have been he was too embarrassed to want to sleep with you again. Instead of confronting the negative feelings he experienced after not performing, he decided to be an asshole to you.
It could also be he was always an asshole and hid it pretty well.
Regardless, he’s not worth your time anymore. He either manipulative or emotionally immature. And it would be exhausting to be in an actual relationship with someone who is mean/dismissive to you whenever they feel bad/embarrassed.
You say it’s not a nightmare, it’s a bad dream. Nightmare and bad dream mean the same thing.
You say your husband exhibits very toxic behaviors, yet the environment is healthy aside from the toxicity. Any household where a member exhibits very toxic behaviors, is an unhealthy household.
What you described your husband doing and vocalizing, in the same room as your infant, is unacceptable and dangerous.
Your husband has to learn how to regulate his behavior.
You need to learn how to communicate with your husband without triggering him.
You shouldn’t have grabbed his arm, and once you did, of course you should have apologized.
He reacted horribly, but you pushed his buttons. Your choices fed into his tantrum.
The thing is I do not want my in-laws to think that I am Islamophobic or that I do not feel safe around them. They're my family and I love them both to death. I do not believe in the nonsense that my mom is saying and for the most part, I have directly shielded my husband and his family from my mom's thoughts and thankfully she does not say anything to their faces. They don't interact often and I don't want any problems to start when we start having kids and there are birthday parties and so on that become awkward or are filled with arguments.
the fuck did i just read here
You were right about him, but I'd have evidence a pic of the screen would be best, tell your mom, if she doesn't believe you tell the next closest woman to you. Lock your door.
Creepy AND a compulsive liar. Not really bf material.
You two don’t have the same life goals.
Really, she doesn’t have life goals. She wants to pop a kid out but then run off 3,000 miles away and have someone else raise the kid?
P.S. I get sperm donor vibes. She barely knows you. Most women in their 30s are starting to look at how much time they have left. She’d be 36 by the time she finishes school, which means high risk pregnancy. She knows that. So pop a kid out now with some semi-random dude and then peace out and live her life somewhere else.
Thank you! The first insightfull comment yet. The thing is I do love her. But I'm NOT afraid of letting her go, I don't have low self esteem and im ok with her leaving if shes not happy with me. Her having a girlfriend and me not being involved is out of the question if she's with me. I brought it up to reddit just because I felt like her asking that was a red flag & I wanted other people's opinions. I was never considering being ok with that but hearing what other people had to say solidify my feelings. I discussed it with her and I told her I feel that it would be unfair for the same reasons you just stated.
Her cheating in any way with a man or women would result in the end of the relationship, same goes for me. She & I can do whatever we want but not without consequences. I respect her and MYSELF enough not to cheat I feel like she respects me enough to uphold those same boundries but I could be completely wrong! But I would absolutely rather find out sooner than later.
Really this is about trying to find a compromise. Maybe something like we could have a 3sum (something I want) but I would agree not to do “X Y or Z” with the girl (something she wants). Or maybe there's another way altogether?
Just curious, what was the reason your son’s mom finally reached out?
You've grown – he hasn't. He needs to do some growing himself.
She's definitely an asshole. You shouldn't get mad if your partner wants to sleep after a long day
Tell her that.
That’s funny that you mentioned gambling because he blew $100k on it in one year
That's it. You can emotionally sand down the other rough edges, but this is an undeniable fact.
Has he noticed this was wrong? Has he taken steps to do better and not fall down into that hole again?
Nothing wrong with a little gambling but you need to be self-aware enough to realize it tickles you in the most vulnerable parts of your psyche, so you need to either be able to gamble responsibly (a separate can of worms entirely) or not at all.
100k is not responsible. If he has not, of his own volition, described that spending as wrong you need to get out and find somebody who is better aligned with your views on money management.
i am just really sad and i wish there wasn't such a hurtful end to someone i really tried to love and care for. i gave as much understanding as j could
No never. He's never suggested breaking up. He definitely loves me. He drives 2hrs to see me every week (actions). I'm just a very verbal person (words of affirmation is my 2nd highest love language if that means anything lol) and tbh he sucks at using his words. Just trying to grapple with what “I don't like you” means to me vs what it means to him.
Although… I did ask him last time, if I didn't like you would you stay with me? And he said no.
You're absolutely right that we are with each other despite our flaws. Maybe I'm just getting caught up on the word choice.
He had a car and a job at that age so that’s how he was able to attain and afford flowers. My therapist allows me to make my own judgements but still was left speechless at what I did say. My therapist is an older male though, probably in his late 50’s early 60’s so his judgement I hope was well-developed because of his age and experience. What he thought was strange was refusal of flowers for me but openly gifting them to others. Making me feel bad about my contribution to the relationship, so for example saying “You don’t want to just be a bedside nurse for the rest of your life, do you?”, insinuating that I don’t do enough and need to “be more”. Telling me to not buy things or restricting me/telling me I look bad in things so I won’t buy them but really it’s because his ex wore them. Following his ex’s family on social media even though his actual ex blocked him and her whole family dislikes him very much. Telling me he would openly flirt with someone to the point of receiving a number just for the chance of free stuff (which is rare). The list goes on.
Oh if you read more closely it’s not lol. All previous messages were indirectly shared by my bf that’s probably why I was being a nerve wreck. We just didn’t know what to say after Hi [his name] so we decided to bring that up again.
I'm so incredibly fucking sorry man. This made me feel sick to my stomach. Reminded me of times I had been cheated on, or had my heart severely broken.
Love is so fundamental to the human experience, most want it and seek it out. It's this intangible thing that we all have a right to that's in our DNA. In order for it to be real, both parties have to be in a position where they are both vulnerable enough to be hurt. You clearly felt like you were there, and subsequently humans are not equipped to deal with reality warping before their eyes. That feeling of the floor dropping out beneath you and not knowing where you're falling to. Everything you thought that made you smile and feel secure was a lie. That kind of heartbreak is a pain that can not be properly articulated. It's potentially greater than any other physical pain that humans face. It's truly unbearable. You can't run from it, you can't hide from it, you're going to feel like you want to die. But you just have to keep fighting forward man. Find anything that envelops your kind. Stay away from contacting her or anything that exacerbates the feeling of thinking what was. Because what was was never real the way you thought it was. I'm not saying you're thinking of doing anything rash. I'm just saying, if you saved a life every single day, you'd feel successful, it's okay if that person you're focused on saving every day, is yourself.
You're going to be jaded for awhile. Maybe forever. Just be forthright about this experience with any future relationships. You already had something that you thought was real, that was forever. That was safe. So of course it will be difficult going forward. But you're going to get through this. You're a very young man yet, and you'll be able to feel again. I fucking promise you that. It's unbelievable the amount of physical and emotional pain a human can bear. Read some philosophy, cry your eyes out, repeatedly, lean in to it. Tears shed on your own time are just polish for your armor. It's a good emotional reset. This just really struck me man. I feel for you. I really fucking do. She should never have had any contact with that guy in the first place. Nothing remotely good could come from it. The fact that she was willing to smoke alone with him knowing his intentions is all you need to know. It's going to be hell, but you're going to come through this a better man, a stronger person. Don't let this define you. It's okay to go through hell, as long as you're moving forward.
Sorry for the wall of text. Wish I had better advice. I hope anything I said resonates with you. Don't hesitate to DM if you want to talk to a Midwestern stranger who's been through these things as well.
Keep fighting man. Always forward.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO HELL YOU?! I am not using him! Are you like that with people that has a parter of a different race? Come on dude? Stop making me feel bad. I really Iike the guy. You don’t believe me? I mean he didn’t look too happy when he dropped me off at home. He said he would see me later. So ha! I always mess things up.
So why not end the marriage?
Your husband only adds to the labor you do, he takes you for granted, and most importantly, you were happier without him than with him.
I’m really sorry that you were abused by your uncle when you were young. Just because women hid sexual abuse in the past doesn’t mean that’s the right way to treat it today.
First off, you have to protect all of your children from this uncle. Im sorry, but you need to do a better job protecting them than your parents did protecting you.
You need to tell your husband as you can’t always be there and he deserves to know. Together, you can both be better protectors for your daughter(s).
You also need to inform the parents of any daughters about him so they can be vigilant to protect their daughters.
Doing things your mom’s way doesn’t make your uncle suffer any consequences for his awful behavior. All he’s learned is he can abuse any little girl in the family and no one will punish him.
The guy should be in jail.
I think I know what Reddit will say, but when I was in college I had close male friends who might sleep on my couch or pass out next to me in rare drunk occasions. I think it depends on her relationship with this person. The guys I was friends with were like brothers to me. Where was this guy heading to? Was his room down the hall and he does this frequently? She broke your trust by lying to you, and you obviously need to spend time repairing it. Maybe if she can come clean, and you feel like she’s being honest you can get past it and have firm boundaries on what’s okay versus not.
don't be friends with your ex…just break the old relationship then u could find new one
This is even worse than picking up a random hitchhiker with a hatchet. Please be smart and don't do on a multiple road trip with an older male you have never met.
My mental health and quality of care for my children all increased after I left my abuser. We also had an unplanned pregnancy, and married shortly before our first was born.
Within the first year of marriage he showed the same verbal abusive behaviors as your husband OP, and within two years it escalated to physical abuse. I wanted to make the marriage work, and I tried nude the first 5 years or so, but he eventually broke me, and my PTSD symptoms began to rule my life.
It took me 10 years to escape that mistake, and even now, 8 years after divorce and a Domestic Violence Order, he still continues to abuse me by weaponizing our children, because he knows they’re one of the most important things in my life.
The longer you are with an abuser the harder it is to cut them out of your life and go no contact. And I’m not saying my experience is yours, but if I could prevent anyone else suffering this pain by sharing my story, then I’m gonna type that shit out honey! Feel free to reach out for support OP.