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1. I appreciate your post, I am in a similar boat. I have led an appallingly selfish existence because I was absolutely sure that I was never going to be in a long term relationship. I got involved with a guy under extraordinarily unusual circumstances, and then changed to operating under the notion that he would run for the hills eventually.

   Then, one day, I had woken up, and it was eight years later and he was still around. Now I actually did care about him, but I have no idea how to be even a half decent partner. Fortunately for me, he is very upfront about his expectations (and they are definitely doable.) Unfortunately, I am so twisted up in fatalism and self doubt that I am worried about trying and proving that I am not good enough. It is easier to be rejected for being an unshakably selfish jerk who didn't even try than to try and prove that I'm an unredeemable unshakably selfish jerk.

   Self awareness of this kind is worse than useless in these situations without action. I do think I can be decent to him. I am terrified, but I need to stop turning inward and stonewalling due to that terror.

   Here's hoping we both find our way. I sincerely believe you are on the right track.

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