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Just because you, as a man, haven't experienced misogyny in real time doesn't mean it is just an internet label. And if loving women is part of your DNA that you can't get rid of, why do gay men exist? lol
Firstly, there's always two sides and we only hear one side, of course. I think it's great that you're pursuing other opinions and perspectives! In my mind, The bigger question is “why are you still living at home at the age of 25?” I realize it's become a trend partly stemming from the pandemic and parents who havent realized the affect this can have on their children. It becomes a co-depenency if it goes on for too long. Young adults become fully adult by moving out of their childhood home, flying away from the nest to make their own way in the world. She locked you out, which seems harsh but the message is clear that your Mom wants you to follow the house rules. It's her right to do so at your age, but also an uncomfortable nudge perhaps for you to finally leave her home. Physically and metaphorically. This should help you to realize that it's time. I'd say it's been time for you to go for awhile now. Your Mom can help you with the process if she will take accountability for her part in this scenario with a serious conversation born from her love for you as her adult child. Fully letting go is important for the parent-child relationship. You can can always return to visit!
Couple of things here for you to consider:
If you identify as female and straight and your partner is for all intents and purposes a lesbian woman, I don't think you can still be together and call yourself straight unless the conjugal visits have stopped (no judgement I think any love is beautiful).
If you plan on staying together for any length of time then you might want to quietly stop asking for the money back and start writing it off as spent on love.
If you don't plan on being a lesbian and will be ending the relationship then stop “reminding” her and start telling her she needs to actively start working on paying you back because you have spent a lot of money on something she wanted that is of no benefit to you.
You moved out of a place that still has your name on the lease??
How weird. None of what he said seems out of the ordinary! “How has your week been?” Is a better question than how are you. I really wonder where this is coming from since you have so much history. It’s very bizarre.
I would carry on as normal with the hometown friends and don’t worry about it. Which is easier said than done since it seems so personal. If there is anyone in that group that you or your boyfriend trusts can you ask them if it’s been discussed or what that think about what prompted it?
It’s hot not to be self conscious after something like that, but it really says more about friend than you.
I'm just gonna come right out say it: you are very immature, and you have some serious growing up to do. Yes, you are a monster for spreading her nudes, and you're lucky you didn't get in trouble with the law over it.
So, now that you're a self-admitted monster, what do you do with that knowledge? How do you grow?
Well, the first thing I would do is take the ex completely out of the equation. This is 100% about you, and how you react to things. You need to let go of her and any pain she caused you. You were right to feel hurt, confused, betrayed, etc.
But ask yourself: how much better did you feel about this after you engaged in revenge sex and distributing her private images? My guess is that you still feel just as shitty, maybe even more so, because you have now ruined her life. Let go of that resentment. Wanting to hurt her by hurting yourself is the same as you drinking poison, hoping it will affect only her.
You're still very young. Yes, you got cheated on, but my god man, the world is full of wonderful women. But will those wonderful women want anything to do with you if you're still the aggrieved child you are today?
One of the quickest ways you can start to grow up is to stop basing everything off of physical looks. Don't rate yourself. Don't rate others. It makes you sound like your in seventh grade.
And who gives a fuck if she hangs out with dudes who you subjectively think are “10s”. Comparison is 100% the thief of joy. Quit comparing your insides to other people's outsides. Appreciate your current girlfriend not because of how pretty you think she is. Appreciate her because she makes you feel good about yourself, through her words and her actions.
And if you absolutely insist on fretting about her hanging out with 10s, remember this: she chose you over them. There's something about you that attracts her to you. Maybe ask her what those things are, and then try to emulate them as you go through your days.
Lastly: set the perfect ideal for yourself. What kind of good man do you want to be, What kind of partner do you want to be? Make this ideal as perfect as possible. And then accept you will never ever ever online up to it. And that's perfectly, 100% okay. We aren't meant to ever reach that ideal, but we are meant to strive for it, every day. The goal is to be a better man than you were yesterday.
But what that looks like is up to you.
Good luck OP.
a few days ago
Sit him down today and bring up the 10pm thing. Tell him that he said he would get off at 10pm, but didn't.
Let him know (again) that you feel neglected and wish he would spend more time with you and fuck you.
Then give him a week to change. Mark the date 7 days from now. If he doesn't fuck you at least once or spend a full night with you, then consider ending it based on your circumstances. Of course, this doesn't sound ideal.
There is a more hopeful option. If you can't beat them, join them. Start gaming with him. Then during rounds, ask him if you two can take a break, put the chat of friends on hold and then get him hot.
You can still connect with people in ways that are not romantic or sexually charged. Humans crave connection, even if it’s something as simple as liking the same band or ketchup vs ranch with your fries.
My point is that your post seems needlessly sexually charged. Sometimes people just want to get a little dressed up and go out with their friends to have a good time. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
You need to get away. He will do this again and it will only get worse. You really consider contacting the domestic abuse hotline. They can help with housing if you have no place else to go. Anywhere they place you is better than staying somewhere that you’ll continue to be abused.
He's not necessarily abusive himself, but when you're raised in that kind of situation you don't realise it's abusive, especially if your parent isn't physically abusive.
Have a joint account for monthly bills, joint savings account(s) for the move, emergency funds, vacation, etc. Figure out a budget needed to contribute in total to each of these accounts and then split it based off a percentage of your incomes. The rest goes into each of your individual accounts.
Total income is about $140k. You make $40k so $40/$140 = 28.6% of the total is your portion.
no worries. then no. hes not entitled to the ring back. it was never his. he didnt buy it or own it.
Thank you ❤️ it’s an insecurity of mine, but I need to really put it on the back seat
True. Just thought he might also have the condom issue. Figured might as well put it out there, just in case.
Look. Simple as this. I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO CARE OR ASK THEIR OPINION IN THIS REGARD. I'M ONLY LOOKING FOR A POLITE WAY TO GET IT THROUGH THEIR FUCKING SKULLS WITHOUT HAVING TO INSULT AND BURN THEM OVER THEIR LIVES AND SAY HOW HYPOCRITICAL IT MUST BE FOR THEM TO SAY SHIT LIKE THIS. WHAT MY PARENTS DO OR NOT DO IS NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS, THEY ARE NOT ENTITLED TO AN OPINION, OR I GUESS YOU WOULD BELIEVE THAT THEY HAVE THAT FUCKING RIGHT TO COMMENT ON MY PARENTS MONEY BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING KAREN WHO HAS TO GIVE OPINIONS TO LITERALLY EVERYONE.
anyways I'm done with caps. No more replies from me on this thread. Bye
Yo, don't leave us hanging!! How'd it go? I've seen videos of folks actually crying when they got to use them for the first time. Now I'm gonna have to go dig up some of those videos to give me a smile.
I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, where I had to resit a course when I thought I was just about to graduate. I was absolutely terrified about telling my parents (especially my Dad).
Instead of telling both my parents at the same time, I told my mother first and basically broke down crying. She was very sympathetic, and even told my father for me so I wouldn’t have to break the news to him as well. I think they didn’t realise until that point how much I’d been struggling. It felt so good to rip off the bandaid, because now I didn’t have to worry about what their reaction was going to be anymore. And that helped me to make a plan to move forward.
See if you can talk to one of your parents first individually if that might make things a little easier.
Best of luck
Yes, that’s why I said “…so damn hard”.
Your boyfriend should not have opened your mail or told his mom about it. Huge break in trust. If he was concerned he should have talked to you about opening the mail together. Maybe do some counseling or if you want you can break up
Strong emotions sometimes get linked or swapped. His violence was never on you unless you deserved it? That is victim blaming. If you go back to him, he will continue to drink, continue to break stuff, and continue to emotionally and perhaps physically abuse you. He will probably be pissed you left and think it's alright to come back without consequences.
You found a guy who checks all the boxes except one: he doesn't give you the rollercoaster rush of scare/relief when yelling and screaming ends in you not getting a bruise.
You are looking at something healthy and bemoaning the loss of the drug that would kill you. Your current BF isn't an AH, so he'll never give you the rush of passion that comes with a great argument with someone who last time destroyed a wall but this time might blacken your eye.
My suggestion, seek counseling. Tell a licensed therapist all about your ex and your current BF and ask how you can get over the AH to get right with your current BF. Tell your current BF that you are seeking counseling to work our scars and issues from your last BF that are haunting you.
The fact that you are still with this guy says enough. Leave him. My god.
No
Immature behaviors can be stemmed. Which is exactly what you did, and should always do, when someone tries to play the “break” or “maybe breakup” game. Just say “ok”.
They’ll panic (exactly like he’s doing) when it doesn’t get the result it was designed to produce. Which would be you spinning out and begging them not to leave/break/whatever.
Let him panic. Hold your ground. He said it, now he has to live! it.
This could be his first vivid lesson in “adults need to mean what they say” and “oh shit OP interacts like an adult so I better, too. She takes what I say at face value instead of succumbing to this power play like the young, insecure messes this usually works on.”
Damn you're getting raked over the coals my guy. I think you get the interrupt her work day stuff so I'm not gonna talk about that. Inherently, giving a gift, any gift, comes with risk of the receiver not being happy with it. This might feel like a “no good deed goes unpunished” situation but sometimes those situations are pretty predictable. It seems like you gave her a gift without really realizing how she'd feel about the whole thing. Definitely something to work on for the future.
I think the best play here is just no more surprises for the foreseeable future. But don't let her, her friends or Reddit's reaction put you off from making romantic gestures in general. It really sucks when you're not getting any support in real life, you then turn to the internet for a little validation and get stomped instead. It can be very draining and frustrating.
At your core, remember you two are a team. Work WITH your gf to find ways to help her feel how you wanted her to feel after the spa. That means empathetic talks, couple's counseling, well-planned romantic gestures and just effort in general. Weather the storm and work on that temper. When you give future gifts, avoid resentment and just try to figure out how to do better for both of your sakes. It'll pay dividends. Good luck with everything.
Absolutely, I do, and considered that, and tried to remedy that by allowing her to work most of the day (she missed 2 hours of pay). But yes, I understand how me paying for it could be undermining her agency, professionalism, and independence.
I really appreciate your reply here.
I think that when I say I love him, I don't even mean it in a romantic way either, though. I just….love him. He's my person that I do everything with, but both of us need to be honest that it isn't enough to be in a relationship without that. We both see each other in our futures, we both have hope for things to continue, but we don't fertilize the garden. We just keep being us, and I don't do anything either to help foster feelings. I think I need romance because I feel like that's the only way we can continue, right?
He has these really bad mental blocks, and I sent him a message about it (we're both at work, and he told me to send him over any thoughts after the talk last night so we can face them head on). He's willing to try anything to be with me, and he has attraction and deep feelings for me, but he says there's this mental block there, and he feels that mental block with everyone. I don't have that mental block, I just…can't understand that mental block.
I told him ultimately if we keep trying to throw things at the problem and nothing is working, then I don't think the problem is our compatibility, or our spark, or our feelings. I just don't know how to go about talking to him about therapy. He refuses it so profusely that he won't even google why he has panic attacks sometimes, even though I KNOW they come from his last relationship.
He also thinks that love doesn't grow slowly, and that he will just “feel” it one day, but that doesn't make sense to me. Especially when we already do everything a normal relationship does, and neither of us attribute that to being romantic. I can't feel romance from him washing my hair, I feel like that's just our special thing.
Anyway, ultimately I wonder if his mental blocks are the problem, and I may need to ask another question about how to even talk to him about looking into himself.
she said she will not be seeing other people, and for boundaries. Pretty much covered. We both respect each other more than we love one another so we have no problem giving space but An example being to just send a text like “hey can we talk for a second”, and not bringing up the elephant in the room…basically just a lot less daily communication. no seeing each other in person until sometime next month. She said she’ll reach out.
My spouse and I are on two completely seprate ends of this debate. I am strongly, passionately pro choice and he is strongly anti choice.
We have had conversations about it. I am not going to change his mind. He will not change mind.
So we no longer discuss it.
Yea that's fucking nuts after 5-6 years. I don't blame you for being beyond hurt and questioning your relationship. Her bringing this up out of the blue like that makes me think your gf is taking Susan's problems too personal. Your gf can't seem to understand that the glimpse she showed you of how she views you during her friend's hot time has hurt you. By entertaining this idea she betrayed the relationship you thought had reciprocal trust and respect.
You are allowed to break up for any reason no matter how long the relationship has existed. If this is a dealbreaker then leave that's ok, if you want to work through this that's ok too. Incase you needed to hear it.
Really relieved to hear that you're leaving him, OP. I wish you all the best in future. Stay safe. ?
She didn’t almost get you killed. The dude with the gun did. I don’t understand why people are mad at her. Did you ever stop to think she could be traumatized and that’s why she focused on Spanish? You told her it isn’t the safest neighborhood. That does NOT mean there are people there with guns ready to pull them. It’s not odd for her to react to someone treating her badly.
This post and many of the replies are crazy to me. If I were her, I’d be pissed at you and your cousin for bringing me around people who were rude and shitty plus dangerous and willing to potentially kill us. You clearly knew by saying you weren’t sure if his friends wouldn’t shoot you.
Your boyfriend would do the same thing to any woman it’s not YOU it’s him and his friends mentalities to objectify anything that moves. You are beautiful and your self worth should not be measured by any man ??!
I don’t get how he can have sex with me so often or why.
Literally how can YOU have sex with him so often and why?
He is gross
Consult a lawyer or estate advisor and get a prenup.
In the wave of everything happening, it's so nice to hear stories like this. Sam and Sadie are so lucky to have you both.
Whatever his reasons, she should not agree to it. Not being allowed any say in a material part of the raising of her children is not okay. For her or the future kids.
Uhh… no? I hope not?
You've done the right thing for you, I hope you find happiness in the future to someone who deserves you.
Are you trying to say that's not you?
Fuck, being vulnerable and talking about feelings is hot… haha
1) Thanks for letting me know
2) I used to just make her apologize, but, as these comments from her have just piled up, I've started taking her phone away for the weekend, not paying her for doing her chores.
3) Great idea
“I understand that you think it was a joke, but that wasn't funny to me and that's not a topic to take lightly, even in a joking manner. I'm gonna work to move past this but please understand that I'm pretty disappointed about what was said, especially in front of all of our friends. In the future, divorce is not a joking matter.”
You're pressuring a friend. What did you expect?
I'm confused why you didn't ask her if it was true or not. Wouldn't that settle it rather than simmering the whole day?
This is an excellent point, a temporary tattoo is a great idea IMO.
Your situation is very common and has been posted in this sub before, so I encourage you to search for what other people have done. You do have options other than waiting. You could try to have a serious conversation with him (“The fact that you still haven’t purchased the ring we picked out together makes me feel [upset/neglected/uncertain]. Can you understand how this is making me feel [upset]?”). You can also just propose to him, get down on one knee and all that.
I didn’t realize it until someone else pointed it out, but she alluded to cycling steroids, which can make the clitoris become abnormally large. That doesn’t excuse shaming her, but it explains where the “big clit” comment comes from.
He’s looked past the mountains of baggage that I come with
Girl, I wish I could give you a hug. You don't feel like you're worthy of love, so you're trying to take what you can get. This man isn't a good man. If he loved you, he wouldn't be pushing you to connect with your shitty father. If he loves you so much, why is he willing to end the relationship if you don't make up with your father? He values your father and his opinion more than he values you.
Sit down and think. All these random people who don't know you in the comments are being understanding. We don't want you to be hurt by staying in contact with your father. Do you want to marry a man who has less compassion for you than literal strangers on the internet? We can't see how beautiful, intelligent, or funny you are. Your fiancé knows all of that, and he's still willing to dump you if you don't put your mental health at risk. He's not a good man.
Yeah, if he isn't willing to CUT HER OFF and instead keeps indulging in his feelings for the other woman and keeps talking about some poly setup “in a dream”…there's no way this marriage is gonna work/last. He's more invested in this other woman than his wife and kids.
I think hacking in this case is not probable unless someone they know is pretty good. More likely one of his friends saw it on his phone or he showed them. Notice he does not say “ I never shared them.’
plenty of basic ass dudes are gay hon