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Okay, well if you break up again, you need to fully move on from each-other. Clearly you're just wasting each-others time. This should be your final shot for this reletionship.
Its been a month since you've reconnected. Of course you need to give it time.. you're literally getting to know each-other again.
What is this texture of him latching on?
I am the same way to a degree. I like a small social circle, prefer my little domain, it might sounds isolating but I do like my down time. Some people do enjoy a simple life and there's nothing wrong with it. But its never posed an issue in my reletionship.
When it poses an issue for relationships is when there is a demand of attention you're not capable of giving. Like their whole life operates on condition of you, excessively needy.
So, is this an overwhelming feeling you're experiencing? Or are you seeing his isolation and interpreting it as a problem?
How much have you two discussed this topic? High chance he needs to find other things to occupy himself with that is external of you. If you want this addressed, you need to relay these thoughts to him.
This confuses me:
I’ve already discussed this (kinda) and he said that he would be patient and understanding
Is that regarding the spark coming back for you, or him working on his independence. I think you need to adjust that approach.
My spark will only ignite if you have independence. This isn't something he should be understanding of you, it should be something he is understanding of himself. Hence my confusion.
Yeahh
Omg I literally looked at it earlier today ahahha wtf. There was such a long history of the weirdest shit
Feel angry. Pissed off. And remember, not all men are assholes. Don't let this dude ruin any future relationships. Stay strong. And move on. The best form of revenge is not allowing his behavior to ruin your trust in others and be happy with someone else.
Next time, though, get to know them. It is better to wait 6 months to start talking about putting a label on your relationship then only 6 days.
I’m pretty sure she broke up with you lol
You're all over this post accusing her of not having custody of her son. If you can't trust her on that, this isn't the right relationship for you. Either you're right and should dump her or you're wrong and don't trust her.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Why does he have to compare himself to them?
Even if those friends of his did sleep with hundreds, why is that such an achievement? The usual goal is to find that one person to spend your life with not just be with everybody you can poke with a twig.
I know
You're a good person who were dealt a bad hand, OP. I'm sorry this happened to you, but don't let it ruin you. You deserve much better.
You're not alone! You have a mom you seem to like and friends. That's a great start and good support.
Also, being alone can be awesome. I'm older and in a happy, healthy, loving relationship and sometimes I miss being single because it was so easy and free. It takes time to cultivate a good relationship with yourself but it's very worth doing – and it allows you to be picky about relationships with others, so that you only stay in good ones.
Get her some roses or treat her to a special date. Don't get into the habit of buying gifts to apologize and stop talking to others females about your Gf it's rude and disrespectful to her. Good luck
I suggest next time you ask the person you’re in a relationship with how they would feel if you did that instead of friends who have no idea how he would feel about it. Open and honest communication is key.
I would break up with a person who told me they’d have more fun without me.
She may like you, but she’s not that into you.
She was into me sure. It's just that our sex life was never like burning hot. She's always been particular about when and how we have sex. She isn't terribly adventurous or spontaneous
I think the fact they made a pact is far worse than the actual cuddling.
The cuddling I think is fine, and they probably didn't need to make the pact anyway.
Don't jump to conclusions. There are reasons for a person to be off their phone besides infidelity. My wife teaches high school, where you're not even allowed to go to the bathroom except at certain specific times, and there would be days when she was unavailable by text from like 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Was she cheating?
I can tell by how this is written that this is causing you a significant amount of stress. Remember to breathe, unclench your jaw and relax your shoulders.
I'm not even going to address the hair dresser thing, who is right or wrong, or if you're overreacting.
There's many healthy steps in between “I'm breaking up with you” and “I need to completely abandon my own needs”. It sounds like this is a trauma reaction and you're spiraling because you're afraid of being abandoned. That is okay, but you can't hold your GF in a cage because of it.
Can you think about what you need from your GF to feel secure? Is there a solution where you get some reassurance without denying her a haircut? Don't let this be a power struggle where one of you loses.
I have utmost confidence that if you tell her you're scared and you figure out how you can cope with this haircut she will find a way to work with you on it.
I was in the opposite situation. I have always been up front (and adamant) from the very beginning of relationships that I didn’t want children. The men I dated were, at first, on board. But a few years in they changed their minds. It was a dealbreaker for me and the relationships ended. They are now all happily married with multiple kids. I never begrudged them their wants, it just meant I wasn’t the one for them. I was never going to compromise on one of the greatest impacting decision of one’s life – nor should you.
This is just a bad habit to get into, especially if he doesn't “look black”. It's likely to get him into serious trouble someday. You're not wrong to be concerned (and even most non “very left wing” people would agree with that).
What about suggesting it's just you that initiates for a while? It sounds like you've talked about it a lot already and he isn't respecting where you're at, especially regarding timing.
His Love Language is Touch.
When ever I hear someone say that I picture someone exactly like OP.
Stop grabbing your GF.
You're not violating his privacy by finding it accidentally. You're violating his privacy, and potentially humiliating him by talking to him about it. Again, it's none of your business how the guy jerks off. There's no reason for it to get in the way of your intimacy. He is masturbating. Alone. It requires no input from you.
You are asexual and he is not. This will never work I'm sorry to say. You need another asexual person
No problem. You're both adults and it'd awesome when adult siblings can also be friends, but they can't always.
It's good to know both your own, and other people's, limitations.
I don't know, even though I think it's pretty reasonable to think he's into her and you can consider talking to her about that, there is not much else you can do. You are long distance, see her once a month, and if you start making demands or obsessing over this, that alone is going to negatively affect your relationship. I think you're going to have to decide to trust her or if you can't, break it off yourself.
I think the long distance part is the biggest problem. If you guys can't solve that issue anytime soon, the chances of this working out long term are not great.
He already made you financially dependent. That's why he has money and you pay for everything. To leave you out of cash incase you would want to leave him. Just like the other commenter said, look up the term financial abuse. Put your foot down now. Also it's his child? Why aren't he contributing financially? You already let him take control, now it's time to take it back. You deserve better.
He denied they were even his kids. How is it her responsibility to chase after this man child and insist that he Behave differently? He’s a grown ass adult who chose to deny his kids, literally even denying that they are his kids. Do you really think men are in capable of making their own choices, that women should overrule those choices and try to change how men behave? I think that’s a pretty sexist and insulting view. He didn’t even say, hey, I have doubts, I want a paternity test. Just flatly, that they are not his.
Are you going to say that not notifying the other parent for 12-15 years that they delivered their kid is acting in the best interest of the kids?
This is what I was thinking. I think he might be catching (if not fully caught) feelings and is upset they (may) be unrequited…? I guess that’s up to OP to explore further
He didn’t “self-sabotage” he deliberately started seeing this other girl behind your back. I’d even question the 2 week time frame tbh. For all you know he’s been seeing you both all the time.
Sadly, he has now proved that he can’t be trusted and that he’s a liar in important aspects of his life.
He’s only interested in his own pleasure and will say whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you hanging around until he’s ready to leave.
He knew if he’d told you he wasn’t exclusive in the beginning he’d have lost you and he wanted to keep having sex with you.
This would be a strong “no” from me and I’d be moving on now rather than letting it drag on until he moves away.
Advice? Don’t date if they tell you there’s a time limit on how long they are available. If they are defo moving, you won’t change their mind.
I really do appriciate reading all the comments and I feel like i should clarify some things.
Maybe some extra useful Information:
Me: I'm a child from a narcissistic and alcoholoc dad and a manipulative mother. My ex had a lot of narcissistic tendencies. My therapist has diagones me with, abandonment issues, anxiety disorder and a very unhealthy attachment style where my brain chooses one person. I often wieght my options, positives and negatives but as stupid as it soundns, I dont what a healthy relationship with people is and I dont know if I can trust myself.
My boyfriend has been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.
Its not like I dont see what could be going on. It's not like im unaware and blinded by what is going on. I know very well what manipulation and gaslighting looks like. My therapist descibred it as being in a 'trauma bond'.
What I am asking is if there is anyone that has ever been in a similar situation, how I can find a way to find the strenght to trust in myself or even to believe that not every relationship has to be this way. How can I build myself up?
I hope this helps.
Yeah I’m a second language learner and have a stutter too, this would beyond piss me off.
It’s childish as hell and seems to be used when there’s no real defense. Set a hot boundary and be ready to protect it
I know. But I didn't want to have this affair anymore. I just wanted to preserve our friendship.
Thank you very much. Appreciate your advice. I agree I need to just take a step back. I have far too much on my mind anyway it’s not helping my mental at all.
Sounds like you're not compatible in this way. You've only been together for a few months, and you're both so young. Is he really worth limiting yourself and stopping yourself from doing something you love? Just be friends if he loses attraction. Plenty guys love tattoos.
Saving nudes is dumb. Forgetting you have nudes from a previous relationship saved onto your phone is even dumber.
So I see two major, separate issues here: First, he's “checked out of the adult decisions.” Second, you've lost any kind of romantic love for each other.
I would probably address the first problem first, because I don't think you'll have any chance of getting the romance back until you feel like he's a partner. Also, even if you two end up separating, you need a co-parent that can make adult decisions.
How do you tackle it? I think all you can do is have an honest, clear conversation with him. Lay out the behaviors that are frustrating you, and explain how they affect you.
Plenty of ways.
The most obvious would be someone's cloud storage is compromised. But also could be phone repair or an old laptop with storage not wiped. Or some malware.
Or just a plain bluff.
How can this person not being at your wedding is not an option??
Is she the bride? Lol. That’s crazy.
The worst thing you can do is arrange your wedding around her. I don’t want to be mean, but you don’t know what’s going to happen. I lost a pregnancy… and that’s very common. Can you imagine having the wedding you didn’t want and the pregnant person still not being there because maybe her symptoms are too bad or she’s depressed or whatever??
Like, your idea is BAD.
She generally respects my boundaries and privacy, but she really went off with this one for some reason. I really do think that she could use professional help to deal with the way she was raised, but she's not the type who would accept things she's unfamiliar with easily.
I'll just beat everyone to the punch: what's the business?