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Ezra, 26 y.o.
Location: NY
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Granted, there is a relevant financial and legal aspect of the post but I think it has been explored plenty. I’d like to focus on something else.
The conversation you had makes you wonder whether your timeline for moving in is a reasonable stepping stone between marriage and yet… you like her. You’re not “crazy” about her, “head over heels”, “in love”. You like her. Instead of focusing on the practicalities of marriage, take some time to think about your feelings. Liking someone is barely enough to be roommates, let alone getting married.
I am the wife in a situation like yours. My husband values and respects the labor I do for our household and values my input about his company, which is our only source of income. I love being a SAHM. I have many friends who are and many friends who are not.
I'm married to a great guy who cares deeply that women and minorities are treated fairly, which to him means just as well as he is treated.
But he doesn't always “get it” when we talk about how the world is for women and what we need to talk to our daughter about because 1) he doesn't have the same life experience and 2) is such a good guy that he can't imagine people behaving like such assholes.
I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are an equally good guy and because of your life experiences you cannot fathom the number of men out there who are actively seeking partners they can manipulate control. Is it most men? No. But it's enough that we have to be wary. And the patterns of manipulation and control are similar enough that we can spot the “red flags.”
For example, grown men who actively seek out 18-21 year olds for serious relationships are often picking younger women who haven't had enough life experience to really know how to function in the world. The older men exploit this to make and keep these “barely legal” women dependant on them. They marry quickly, get pregnant asap and then she's stuck. Older women (and I mean like, 24 or 25) are much less likely to fall for this shit.
Another example: men who complain that their girlfriends or wives are spending too much time with their friends, or who spam them while their out with the girls. These men are not doing this because they miss their partners sooooo much. It's a tactic to isolate their partners, which give the men more control.
There are many, many more examples of behaviors that are “red flag” early warning signs to get out before you get too entagled. Because if you don't see the red flags early enough, anyone can get caught in an abusive situation and it's really hard to get out.
So back to your comment. The fact that it's was “mostly” your wife's choice is not “a good part of the difference.” It's the whole difference. The fact that you're saying, “admittedly” says that you already know (or at least strongly suspect) that your situation is not the situation OP is talking about.
I think that you need to ask yourself why you felt the need to invalidate OP's life experience and suggest that she's reading too many “worst case stories.” I'll be blunt: this is “not all men” + mansplaining at its finest (and I may have used that word 5 times in my life).
Again, I am married to a great guy who often needs to be told the “why” of how something is going to negatively affect me or our daughter. But what he doesn't do when we talk about it is tell me that since he hasn't seen it or that he hasn't done it, I must be exaggerating.
Things won't get better for us until good men start taking our issues seriously. Please try harder for all of us.
If you’re interested in having a productive chat about this, I have to ask. Do you think the vast majority of 30 and 20 year olds are going to have a lot in common?
Its a western thing. People don’t wholesale abandon each other where I am from (middle east) like this… My friends and family always around. it’s individualism and hyperambition, materialism etc. but you are right thats how it is here and I will deal with it.
Wtf
Give him money or a gift card or a kick up the arse
You do know you can drive 9 hours and still be in Texas right? Also, not sure if you’re aware but contraception of any form short of abstinence or a hysterectomy is not 100% effective.
What a retarded post, probably troll
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Omg, this is so dramatic??? He didn’t say any of that at all, youre just making a million assumptions about this situation. My parents got these for us for Christmas, and there was not a single thought in anyone’s minds that this was the intention. A lot of families get the dna tests, especially for Christmas because they are interesting! The world is not always out to get you, and nothing at all in this post points to him questioning her fidelity in front of the children to embarrass her, it’s literally just her perception of it as she hasn’t even brought it up. The kids are probably excited as hell to figure out where they’re from as they have varying traits. It’s not like he only got the one child a dna test, because then MAYBE I’d see where you’re taking these gigantic leaps from
so an argument has him running to look at (IF NOT FIND) others on dating sites, “just to look”.
he didn't go any farther because NO ONE SWIPPED HIM????
Would he have gone out if someone would have connected with him?
Just the fact that he instantly went out and joined MORE THAN 1 dating site, over an argument is nasty.
He WANTS to cheat, he's setting it up to cheat, he went out to find someone to cheat with OVER AN ARGUMENT.
I don't trust it, no sir, not one bit.
I'm buying him gifts at the same frequency. I'm not score-keeping in my relationship.
That's literally score keeping
This age gap is a huge issue, whether you want to admit or not. You started seeing him when he was just out of his teens and you were 30.
Is the gift giving, or lack thereof, the only thing that's bothering you?
This exact thing happened to me, down to the niece who looked EXACTLY like her and was skinny and popular, except my mom always tried to make me feel and just as important. She always cheered me up and made me feel better. My resentment was that she and my grandparents kept feeding my unhealthy habits because they felt bad for me (dad was a drug addict and in and out of prison, mom worked two jobs). I never resented her for being pretty, but those comments about how hard my mom was and how I look nothing like her (I look just like my dad) killed me. Basically everyone was saying “your mom is pretty! You’re not!” In my head. My mom would explain that’s not how people meant it, but that’s exactly how I took it. I was the only brunette and fat kid in the family. Everyone else was beautiful and blonde. I also lost the weight my first year of high school and I will never forget how differently almost everyone (except my friends) treated me. It suck growing up in everyone’s shadow as the ugly one. But it wasn’t my mom’s fault she is beautiful. She was also beautiful on the inside and loved me and did what she could to help me feel better (besides ya know, not letting me eat a box of snack cakes or a bag of Cheetos in its entirety after school every day). I wonder how OP parented the kid and responded to her when people would point out her beauty in front of the kid. This is the info we need to understand the kid’s POV.
Is that so? I mean, I agree that you must connect with your partner, and I still do in a way with mine. Still, isn't it a bit rash to break up because he's not a master conversationalist?
Again, boring isn't an accurate word to describe our situation. I love my partner, it just takes a bit of work for us to chat and I was just looking for advice to make our quality time better.
You only put up with it if you decide to.
My thoughts exactly. He was so vague about it being “sort of” for her birthday in the post.
Why is this woman spritzing herself with perfume just to get your kids off on the bus?
She hasn't wanted to see you for two weeks because her ex is getting married….obviously she us still hung up on him.
I don't think she has as deep feelings for your relationship, as you think. Otherwise, this wouldn't be happening.
You deserve much better, bro. Find your spine and move on.
And for your girlfriend….you broke up 4 years ago, let it go already……jeezus.
They are apparently all people she’s meet irl over the years, but a lot of them she hasn’t seen in some time
Literally none of that changes the fact that there are some pretty unhealthy patterns happening here. Both of you ending up on the floor sobbing? Yeah, thats not healthy. But go on and do whatever it is you're going to do. It doesnt impact me in any way.
In the end, she didn't go, but it's not getting better.. now it's one more reproach that she has “you don't let me do what I want”.
Honestly, I don't know what to think about all of that, I know it's not the type of girl who will cheat on me (and I think if she does it, it'll be less obvious), but I have the impression that she's making everything possible to let me know that she has opening, that she is thinking about “changing her life”, but without me !!
And when I asked her if she wants to break up, she told me that was not it, and that she still has feeling for me.. I really don't understand what she wants..
We spend less time together, she is distant, being silent, really weird, and it's not like it's been like that for 6 months you know, it's has been like that for a month.
To be continued…
And if I called him out on it he would be like 'I didn't interrupt you, you interrupted me' ooof
He is 34. He should be able to articulate why you broke up, why you got back together and why he wants to be with you now and why he thinks the two of you have a future.
The fact that you didn’t like his answers is very telling. He isn’t thinking about a future and whether this relationship is a priority to him. He is content to just coast with you.
You are 28 and mature enough to want to know if the two of you are compatible. What kind of life would the two of you have? If he isn’t excited to talk about your future and doesn’t seem excited about you in general then it is worth considering that this relationship doesn’t have the future you are hoping for.
“Smoking weed with door shut” they're fucking right in front of your face. Please have some self respect and leave.
Holy shit that's well said, for real.
Thank you for that long explanation, she already mentioned that she has time next week so my anxiety settled down a little.
Yes the hard thing is that I don't know whats going on, it's like hell on earth, my anxiety was crazy the last days and my head created so much possible scenarios and mostly all the time I experienced something like this I was abandoned soon later. But for now I'll just wait and try to talk with her about that. Maybe she is able to talk with me then.
But I need the attention and validation. OP is not around so I need to get it from everyone else /s
You're right, your wife has done absolutely nothing wrong.
I'm not sure where your issues come from, but they're your issues and you should not put any of this on your wife.
So what if you're her 6th, not 5th? It makes literally kp difference to anything ever.
Get over this. Soon. It's ridiculous. The number of people your wife has slept with before she met you is irrelevant.
Since the beginning he was very into anal, and that’s the first thing we did (without telling me first)
Nah, at best he is a rapist.
He can't talk while he games because he has to focus.
If he has to focus, then he is not playing for stress relief.
He should be allowed to game for his stress
Yeah, if it's really for his stress, surely doesn't sound like it, sound like it's making him more stressed tbh.
I mean I play games too, and is currently dating someone long distance. But it is quite possible to answer with a proper text while still playing video games. Sure the response time can be long, but it a matter of taking the time to respond properly.
Typically, one of the benefits of having a roommate is cost savings. She’s insisting not only that they live together but also that his expenditures go up. Hardly seems reasonable.
Dude sounds like a loser, I'd ignore him.