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Yeah they post like fifty times yesterday
So to me the first half of your post had me thinking you might be struggling with intimacy after being alone for 5 years but then the second half made think your problems are more then that. I am just an armchair redditor here but you can’t be in charge of maintaining your GF’s attention, I mean this in a good way, it sounded to me like my 7yr old daughter – she demands your attention and you have to give her ideas of what to do because she doesn’t have any great single interest. As I tell her, I can’t be the only one coming up with ideas here, at some point you have to entertain yourself. She is an adult, she can entertain herself for a while. Has she tried video games? Just sounds like she is the type who might be able to get into a good immersive game. Just a guess. Is she in therapy? Maybe she can work out a plan with you if not a therapist, and create a list of things she can do when your not around. She commits to trying something for at least 10mins, just an idea. Good luck OP
People that get to know you are attracted to you and want more. Yet you only want the ones you can't have. Yet you think the problem lies with them…
Do you think I just leave the ball in her court or make contact ?
You can approach her anyways you like as you know her best, but I would suggest a couple subjects. First and most importantly, let her know while you would love for her to exercise, it's not going to change how much you love her. You love her whether she is fit, or has a couple extra pounds. You just want her to stay healthy is all. You getting healthy wouldn't be worth it if you lost her.
Second, reassure her you aren't doing this workout routine to look better for others. It's solely for your health so you can share more time with her for years to come. I'm sure somewhere in the back of her mind she is probably worried that is you get fit, other women might notice. Delicately reassure her there is zero chance some gym hottie will even get your attention, let alone be able to steal you away.
The only emotional stimulus men deserve is in a bar surrounded by other men.
I m saying it's cheating . Don't get me wrong. I have been through this. Wat I meant was that men escape by doing such things like sexting, nudes sharing by simply saying it's only for fun and nothing serious. However it shud be taken as cheating. I m on ur side dear
Hi OP. First off, I want to say I'm really sorry you're going through this at all.
Like many others here, my advice is to leave the relationship, but I want to offer some insight. A very close friend of mine is currently going through a divorce with her husband. He was also her first everything. They also have 2 children together. He admitted to an affair while she was pregnant. She forgave him and they tried to work things out. However, he continued to cheat. Just as you said, once again cheater, always a cheater.
Here's the thing. Despite him cheating again and her breaking it off, she would still go back to him for a little while. Things would be good. He would cheat again. They would break-up. Rinse and repeat.
My friend said the same thing as you. She didn't understand why she couldn't just let go. She knew it was never going to be the same. She didn't trust him. And he was never going to stop cheating.
So we sat down to talk about what it is she was wanting from the relationship. She wanted the dream. She wanted the future they had talked about for so many years. She wanted all the good times back. She wanted the carefree happiness. She wanted everything her mind had conjured of a lifetime with this man.
But there's no going back to what was there. There was no recapturing the dream of 70 years together. Kids. Grandkids. And all the memories that went along with it.
So, while everyone here is telling you to dump him. And I totally agree. But it has to be your decision. Brutal honesty with yourself is the only way you will find clarity. Can you really forgive him? Can you really trust that he won't do it again? And most importantly, are you really trying to move forward, or trying to hold on to the past?
I wish you happiness, OP. Just remember, when people show you who they are, believe them.
This needs some elaboration.
My guess was that she cheated to some degree, and feels ashamed and broke up to try protecting him. It seems to have taken everyone by surprise as the parents don't know. Normally they get a few nuggets to suggest she isn't as interested.
So my guess, was out with friends, drinking, got into the moment and swept along for the ride. When she finally got out of the fog, realized what she did and had to break up
Im my culture its weird, moms kiss on our cheeks or forehead
Save cost of course. ?
Tell your partner what you have outlined here. Use “I” statements about how you respond and feel when you hear .
If they cannot be helpful then you have an answer. If they hear you and try, you have an answer.
No, it's your limit, in sexuality if that's your limit it needs to be respected. If he can't respect that I'm afraid your whole relationship will be him pushing you to do things you don't want.
Just one bit of advice: take all the time you need to heal from this.
You did all the right things. Make sure to get yourself tested for STIs, as there may hav even other exposures.
Go no contact. There isn’t anything to discuss at this point.
Remember: his infidelity has nothing to do with you. It was his choice, and he can on-line with the consequences of your absence.
Be gentle with your heart, and give yourself some time to process it all.
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I don’t have a dog but 30 minutes doesn’t seem like enough for a large dog and she has to work from home. Maybe I’m gonna be downvoted to hell but this doesn’t sound like it came out of nowhere – how much has she discussed him not getting enough exercise with you before? How tall is she? When a small woman tries to exercise a large dog they can drag you if they haven’t been trained properly. A pregnant woman can’t be messing around with being pulled by a dog, especially if you on-line upstairs in a building or near busy roads. Her centre of gravity is changing throughout pregnancy and she will be tired as well as clumsy – can she still see her feet or is that glorious milestone still awaiting her? You gave no details of the issues with your drinking and it screams missing reasons. Get a doggy daycare and stop pontificating about what you find sickening. You already admitted it’s an active dog. And you haven’t been responsible enough with it if she isn’t able to work from home without it misbehaving. Great job giving up the booze – keep it up (meetings if you need to) and consider if you have the budget and energy to give your active dog the life he deserves.
i know she’s not doing well right now and i don’t want to fight with her. i hate fighting, who doesn’t? i’m trying my best not to stress her out for the sake of the baby, but she constantly yells and screams and has manic episodes. we can never just have a calm conversation it sucks…
How do you know he loves you? These are not the actions of a man in love.
Hi there, checking in as someone with fibromyalgia and ADHD, both of which affect my ability to remember tasks and cause brain fog. I also recently learned that a relative of mine has a genetic connective tissues disorder that in our case was caused by a genetic mutation. I'm working to get tested because that would explain a lot of issues I have which I haven't found a cause for yet, but I haven't been formally diagnosed.
My family is nowhere near as bad as your dad, but I've dealt with skepticism from them for years. Thankfully, I've had my mom who while sometimes annoyed with all of my questions and concerns about myself, has supported me and believed in me. I know it hurts to have someone doubt you, especially after finding answers. You're not doing anything wrong, your dad is.
Brain fog is something I suffer from constantly, along with extreme fatigue. I don't forget to do basic tasks. I shower and brush my teeth every day. I do forget to pay rent, turn in assignments, make appointments, respond to people, etc. Your dad seems convinced that you either should be forgetting everything or it's fake. That's not how brain fog or many other forms of forgetfulness work. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
I've found that lists are the best way to stay on top of things. I keep everything in my phone. Sometimes I'm mentally not up for doing things and I'll put them in my list so at least I have it there for the day that I am up for it. I even have a friend who texts me every month to pay my rent because she knows I forget about it. Even with my safety nets, I still forget things. But that's okay.
Do you have anyone else you can trust? Your mom, an aunt/uncle, grandparents, friend, etc. Clearly your home isn't a safe space for you. If you can't go anywhere now, start making a plan. I know it's daunting, but start saving money in an account your dad can't access. Make sure you know where important documents are.
I'm guessing you might be dependent on your dad for healthcare and getting treatments, so if you need to stay on his good side, play dumb. Act like he's right. I know it's infuriating having your experience invalidated by someone pretending they know better. Hopefully it won't be for too long.
I don't know what connective tissues disorder you have, but they are a bitch. And a lot are degenerative, like the one I likely have. It will be a lifelong battle but you are not alone!! I've joined groups on Reddit and it's been amazing having other people that understand your pain and struggles. It sucks dealing with chronic illness at a young age, but you can manage this.
It'll take time, it took me almost two years from the onset of my fibromyalgia symptoms to learn how to manage them well. One of the biggest things I hold onto is the diagnosis. After years of being told to suck it up or that I was dramatic, being told that there was a reason for my pain and struggles was incredibly validating.
I've been researching connective tissues disorders for about a year trying to figure out my other issues. When out of the blue I learned that I had a close relative with the exact syndrome I had been debating seeking diagnosis for for months, I actually cried. But they were tears of relief. No matter what your dad says, your symptoms are real. Your struggles are real. No one can take that away from you.
I'm rooting for you, you can do this!!
He seems like someone looking for really young women because they are more likely to accept his shitty attitude.
He needed that feedback. If he's bad at sex and it isn't enjoyable for you, stop it. Tell him. And then find someone who actually pleasures you.
That’s ridiculous.
I’m sorry you were treated so badly by someone you loved. He’s not your forever, I promise you there’s better waiting for you out there. He’s also not your friend. I would never treat a friend so cruelly. He won’t be a good friend to you just like he’s not a good boyfriend so cut this man completely out of your life.
After 6 years, this is how he chose to end the relationship? Ok.
At least that how it appears to me. He's not trust worthy and that's nasty. Get checked OP.
I'm so sorry.
So your husband cheated and you think “cheating back” is going to make you feel better?
Or you will just feel worse knowing your husband cheated on you and that you're not really any better because you also, are a cheater.
Only one way to find out, I guess?
It's not about YOU giving up..it's about HIM being a cheating jerk.
Don't continue to hurt yourself and expend all this time and emotional energy trying to save the relationship with this garbage dude
shame is a bad motivator.
I take it that there's a chance the child isn't his? The way you waffle around the paternity test indicates that you aren't 100% certain.
In most case time alone is enough. All emotions wither after some time, therefore if you are no longer into him and it's emotional residue you should be fine. Use your time as single to do things for yourself, stimulate your personal growth. You have a lot of time at your hands, you can learn and do things you won't have time for later in your life. Doing them should also help you get over your ex.
Yep…
She needs to talk to her doctor about her medication. Antidepressants usually lower sex drive and vacations don’t make a difference. She shouldn’t go off them because that can be dangerous, but her doctor can try different ones to see it it helps. But if you love her you might have to accept that she needs antidepressants and that means less sex.
especially because the person I was responding to try to claim that the bio mom has a strong case to take the dad to court when she doesn’t at all
I mean… if he’d prefer to elope, and he’s truly going through with a wedding for you, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to expect him to magically get interested in the details. Trust me, I know you want him to, but it sounds like you might have to accept that he’s simply along for the ride. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. It just means he’s not concerned with the details of the celebration. He simply just wants to marry you.
Wedding planning is stressful for couples. It’s a big moment of combining and including families, so it’s not uncommon for differences and stressors to pop up.
Perhaps ask him if he’s at all interested in helping with the menu or a signature cocktail if he’s a foodie or into drinks. Or if he’s more into the cake, perhaps get him involved with that. I doubt you’ll get him involved with all of it, but see if there’s one or two things he’d possibly want to put is mark on.
There are a LOT of skills in life that once you are past 13 years, you can never say “I don't know how to do that.”
Cooking*, cleaning, laundry, personal hygiene, etc. These are all SIMPLE skills to learn. If you say “I don't know how to do laundry” you really mean “I don't want to do laundry” or “I'm too lazy to spend 10 minutes one single time in my life to figure this out.”
You can't even blame not being “taught” since all these skills are VERY easily self taught. (Especially with youtube and the internet.)
*And yes, cooking is EASY to learn the basics. Anyone can figure out how to cook basic pasta, eggs, meat, whatever. You might not be a gourmet chef, but NO ONE should be able to say “I don't know how to cook.” (I would make an exception for poor people who can't afford to buy anything other than the cheapest food, but that's the exception.)
OP's boyfriend is lazy, and taking advantage of her.
He's going out of his way to spend time with OP whom he finds attractive. Therein lies the difference.
Just remember the new guy is with a psycho that you were smart enough to dump.
Thank you
I know I just replied to your other comment but I noticed this one too while reading the thread and I think this is less off-putting. People are so used to being told “its all in your head” that it can be nude to accept mind/body connection without interpreting it as yet another person telling you “it’s all in your head.” I used to be very sensitive to this too before some things clicked for me. I try to be extremely careful with my phrasing when talking about/suggesting it.
Just break up. He believes that because he's spending money on you means he can control you. The relationship isn't between equals and one of the reasons is he is double your age (where he could be your father).
I’ve been crying so much I can’t even open my eyes anymore. I used to be that paranoid girl cuz I’ve been here before, I built up all the walls so I wasn’t gonna be cheated and betrayed again. Guess who teared down those walls? What a joke.
His dad was unfaithful and he grew up knowing that, he knew how that destroyed his mom and how much resentment she had for her husband. I don’t want my son to grow up in that environment, he’s only 1 so he doesn’t understand any of this yet. But you’re right, babies are smart and they see everything, even if they don’t understand it.
You went through IVF on contraceptives?
It was merely adding in the information. I did not cheat. I wasn’t sending explicit pictures or DMing guys on instagram. I wasn’t physically or intimately involved with anyone else. The only people I communicated with are friends, family & coworkers.
They are just asking questions. Don’t be so defensive
Yeah, of course your wife is unhappy. You’re taking another woman on dates and focusing all your attention on her.
When was the last time you went to a museum and out to eat with your wife?
I get the feeling your wife is the baby maid and you’re channeling all your emotional energy into your relationship with your “friend.”
Just get divorced instead of playing these games.
I agree with a lot of what I’m seeing in the comments; tell your dad that he -your dad!- will be walking you down the aisle. Then pull grandma/roger aside and say that roger should have no expectation to even think he would be walking you down the aisle and that was something he relinquished when he abandoned you at 7 without a glance back.
It boils down very simply to “not bigoted.”
And when conservatives use it derisively, they are complaining about being made to look bad for their bigoted behavior.
I feel like it boils down to communicating better in little disagreements
I don’t think you understand BPD in that case. Her behaviour is not caused by miscommunication, it’s deeply rooted emotional dysregulation. It is completely unpredictable and out of control if untreated. Communication relies on a minimum semblance of rational thought. BPD triggers primitive and irrational responses. It needs intense and specialised therapy.
Outside of the controlling and toxic nature of your relationship being with someone from a child into adulthood almost never works out. We all change and if your “partner” (he sounds like he's still a child though and those aren't partners) isn't comfortable with letting you be who you are that will severely stiffen your growth as an individual. Then you will end up divorced with kids at 35 not knowing who you are as a person. It's happen to some of my friends and its a lot harder figuring out who you are older with kids and minimal time to go out and make friends/do things you are curious about.
Thanks I’ll do exactly that
Well, she told you she needs time to process things, so why are you pushing for physical intimacy right now? Just give it a rest for a bit.
I'm used to having her to cuddle with and what not, so not having that all of a sudden I guess is a shock to the system. But you're probably right that I shouldn't be pushing her.
This will PROBABLY all blow over but not if you make it into a huge thing.
The problem is I already feel like it is a huge thing, we don't fight a lot and this is easily the longest period of tension between us in the 5 years we've been together. I guess I can just try to ignore it and see if she comes back around soon.
Usually men like yours can keep their ways a secret until after they’ve managed to tie you down and made sure you can’t leave by getting you pregnant. This specimen couldn’t even do that right. He already feels comfy enough to treat you like this and the ink hasn’t even been near that piece of paper that will lock you into what you believe will be an absolute nightmare. Girl, you don’t have a single thing to lose……yet. Don’t do this.
JUST RUN!!!!
This. And I'm a woman! My husband has always had female friends unless they are being inappropriate or affecting our relationship in any way, hanging on each other, touching inappropriately and practically kissing i don't give a shit. They have drinks together, he drives em home when they need a lift he tells me all these things. If he wants to go out for a bit and he has female co workers mixed in, i tell him to have fun.
because i trust him!
Such a thing exists! I know shocker!
She seems to have alot of insecurities and it won't get better. Her control will grow and her insecurities are gonna take over everything.
If i got upset everytime my husband called a character cool or i gushed over my fav anime characters and he got jealous I'd honestly have laughed at him and vice versa.
It's stupid. Don't put yourself up for a life full of dumb rules. U better not smile at any waitresses or say thank u to a female employee next time u go through a drive through heaven forbid u see a girl wearing a tshirt with something u like on it an compliment her.
You would be a disrespectful cheat!
You aren’t stupid, don’t beat yourself up like that. While you should probably listen to everyone else’s advice and drop this lying jerk, I would be tempted to see how much he’s capable of lying. Like I would make him describe Houston in lots of detail lol. I would suggest restaurants and then want to get full reviews afterward. Make him tell you about every person in the police academy. Invent a friend who also joined the academy. Tell him your friend “Tim” said your bf is the best trainee and really knows how to handle his weapon.
Family is being nosy,, intrusive and greedy because they don't have the money.
As they have displayed this behavior, perhaps it is a signal that you need to have tighter border control and reduce the amount of information that is being shared about your finances. They do not have the right to know. You have no obligation to answer their questions nor make them feel better. Start exerting more boundaries.
As far as challenges to the money- if there was a will, there is not much anyone can do if she was not married at the time of her death to the partner and did not make a bequest for him. Perhaps she knew better…
Given this and everything else you've said… the marriage isn't going to work.
You'll easily find better than her.
I also noticed that the past she’s claiming is barely existent which makes me think she’s downplaying her past/went into FAR more detail with the guy. This really doesn’t make much sense unless the guy was Uber religious.
She'd have to be found severely incompetent to not obtain at least 50/50 custody. It is extremely likely that the surname of the child would still be hers. Oh, and you'd have to pay for her lawyers, too.
How fragile is your ego, dude? That'd be embarrassing to tell….how you divorced your wife over a surname, got left with a big child support bill, and she still got the surname of the kid as she wanted.
Better spend that money on therapy.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted, but these strong reactions (both in the comments and from your wife) seem crazy to me. You screwed up by forgetting and double booking yourself, but that’s just about the lowest level mistake one can make. I can understand her being a bit miffed, but to blow up and call you a “liar” over it is a huge overreaction. Especially when you regularly drive her and pick her up with ice cream. This should have been a non-issue. Having to beg for forgiveness is insane.
If I were in her position I would feel incredibly selfish for making you miss getting together with friends you don’t see often because I didn’t want to take a 15-20 minute Uber ride by myself. I can’t imagine you receiving such vitriol if the genders were reversed. A post saying “my husband blew up at me and called me a liar because I forgot that I said I’d take him to the airport and he didn’t want to take the 15 minute Uber ride I offered to get him” would have the commentariat calling him abusive and recommending divorce.