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Please put your mom on an info diet & set very strict boundaries. She doesn't need to know your every move and then she won't try to intrude on them. How does your SO feel about this? It is not your responsibility to manage her social life or emotions. Good luck OP!
There is a difference between couples who mutually decide one will stay home as a homemaker or SAHM, while still having decent access to household finances, and a spouse being forced to stay at home, and only allowed just enough money to pay for household necessities, therefore keeping them under their spouse’s thumb and unable to fend for themselves. The second, is what the commenter was calling insane. Not the first.
This. Guys honestly don't understand how badly some men react to refusals and so giving someone your social media is a safe “compromise” in the moment. Women have to tread carefully…it's not fair but it's our reality. There have literally been women who have been murdered by men over rejection…and we never know who we are dealing with in a random bar situation or whatever.
He can change the beneficiary any time. See if he will. If he refuses, you have your real answer.
Idk about you but buying someone something and expecting them to do exactly what you want in return seems pretty entitled to me.
Ungrateful? What, she owes him her body because he took her to a game?
Ask him how many sex partners he had in prison?
I never engaged in hookup culture.
I dont have sex without emotional connection.
Just because someone is too emotionally stunted to have intimate connections doesn’t mean I do.
Also, I’m 38. I’ve had some time.
Charlie got that GOOD good, don't he? Got you ready to lose your whole family over him! It's funny, but at 30? That's what we tend to fall for in our early 20s, if not younger
Good luck. You don't need anyone's permission to kick someone out of your life who you don't feel is either healthful helpful or a real friend.
Evidence please?
It would be a nice gesture if she helped reduce your costs, at least by the amounts she saved by not paying for parking and your public transport costs to collect her car.
For sure!
The axe throwing sounds fun but I'm not entirely sure if that's something she herself would be comfortable with. I mean she's not a super girly girl who's scared of things but I'm just not sure how comfortable she would be with that ?
Art attractions I was considering. I know there's a pottery painting place a friend has told me about and that could be fun!
Can I ask for your advice on what else I could plan for a date night but going to a pretty fancy/formal restaurant? It's not something I'd do yet but if 2-3 more dates happen then I know there's a really nice place I want to take her to, I'm just not sure what to throw into that night after the nice dinner.
Having a “difficult childhood” might be a mitigating factor in a criminal sentencing hearing but it doesn't obligate the victims of a crime to forgive the perpetrator. This person didn't even steal from some anonymous store or something, she violated the sacred trust your family invested in her by allowing her into their home, almost certainly knowing she'd be caught. Meaning this wasn't just a matter of her envy or greed but rather an act of self destruction. So unless she's willing to start therapy to reverse her desire to ruin her relationships things like this are likely to happen again and again. That should be the line you draw in terms of willingness to take her back. But also don't expect your family to just get over it. They're probably never going to fully trust her and that's something you'll have to consider if you move forward with her.
he just gets cold feet every now and then about certain things.
I really hope you guys get into couples therapy asap. Because you say he was 100% on board with you this whole time, but apparently, he was doing it for you (according to him). I've seen many men who have no desire to be fathers but who go along with it anyway. They know they can do the bare minimum and get away with it. The kids grow up with a father completely uninterested in their lives. Growing up without a father who left sucks but it also sucks growing up with a father who doesn't even like you. Talk about what he really wants in therapy and don't try to pressure him.
After all this time and money, I don't think he sounds like someone who will be an involved parent. It's insane yall let it get this far. I don't see why him demanding you choose between him or the baby counts as merely “cold feet”.
I just signed us up for couples therapy next week. I’ll update with progress if it’s made. Thank you guys. I want this relationship to work badly. As you’ve seen from the story I’m badly hurt.
By distancing yourself and not pushing for a relationship with her. She doesn't respect you so don't give her another chance to fuck you over again.
Not really called confirmation bias lots of people do it
I'm sorry, OP. I had hoped he would have been less of an asshole, but it's apparent he was not. Get everything you need and deserve out of these last few months, and make sure you set up your support network as well, in order to have the help this fucker won't give you.
And brown shower…. Dirty 30 after all
Looks like a snowball effect. I’m not saying break up with her, but there’s way too many stories of shit like this happening and the other one always cheats (if they haven’t already). The fact she’s said something is good yeah, but just because they told you, doesn’t mean the problem is solved. And then the whole “oh I didn’t remember that part” is kind of lame. That’s not exactly lying but it’s definitely not telling the whole truth. She could’ve let you know when the guy her up at THAT moment, honestly if she’s just allowing this person (that clearly has feelings for her) to keep acting upon his feelings, admitting to her his love, and she’s just letting it happen? Then she’s clearly not willing to respect your boundaries. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT INSECURITIES!!! ESPECIALLY for situations like this! She should be telling this guy no, and to stop. She’s in a relationship, AND he knows. So they’re both finding ways to work around that to keep talking. She might not seem like the one initiating it but if she’s doing nothing to stop it?? Then that’s just as bad. If I was you, I would leave her asap. I know that’s a pretty extreme solution, but it ALSO being a long distance relationship causes ALOT of issues. And in college? C’mon. If you’re not wanting to go that path, then be straight up with her, tell her how that shit makes you feel, how it looks, what she can do for you and the relationship, and if she starts arguing or getting defensive? Then she clearly values the option to speak with this person over your relationship security.
None the less, I wish you the best
You’re intellectualizing your relationship. I feel like you aren’t actually expressing your emotions or are hiding them. Your avoiding confrontation?
Does she not care about your needs? You need to get mad. It is absolutely okay to make demands of your partner and draw boundaries. “You need to get a job”. “I need physical intimacy”. Those are complete sentences.
His name is aryun? This is a joke, right?
Let her
It seems like you guys are on different sides of the spectrum regarding having kids. Ideally this conversation would have been had before you got married. You need to decide if it’s a deal breaker to not have kids because your wife doesn’t seem like she wants them. I don’t think you are being irrational or over the top, this is a huge decision that will affect the trajectory of your life, having kids or never having kids- it’s not just about the IUD. Yes, if she gets it put in again, you will probably not start a family together. Please self reflect about your needs and how you would like your life to go. Then have the conversation with her and state your needs very bluntly. It’s either, I am ok with not having kids, or I want kids and I want them in x time. It’s now or never, for the discussion and for the decision.
Nope, always been the same. But his every day initiating sex is driving me crazy. Count in that that we're both working >60-70 h weeks.
Is your daughter staying with the sister a possibility? Have you spent any real length of time with your daughter previous to this? Have you spent any time taking care of a child before this? Has your wife even met the child? If you don’t love your wife and are ready for a divorce, just tell her and get it over with. But recognize that taking care of a child as a single parent is hard. If you actually want the possibility of keeping your wife (still no guarantee that she won’t leave – frankly I would) you should consider allowing the daughter to stay with the sister while you start with short visitations and allowing your wife to meet the child to see if it’s something she can or wants to emotionally deal with. Then you should send your wife on vacation and take care of the child by yourself for two weeks. Make sure you can hack it before blowing up your entire life. Because it would be bad for everyone if you take in that child and ruin your marriage, and then give her back to the sister or foster care because it’s too nude.
They could find out if you are producing sperm and it's blocked from exiting. Another said they could harvest your sperm right from production, if you are in fact making some. There's options, just unfortunately, not easy ones. All the best to you.
You read that right. I try to get some alone time but I can’t get any. My attention has to be completely on her or I will get hanged up on, and expected to call back before getting yelled at or the constant threat of being left
I do still care about her a great deal.
Because like I said it's one of the most basic rules of opening your relationship. If he didn't know that, he doesn't know what an open relationship is. And an open relationship is never something you should enter into with somebody who is going to unilaterally make any decisions without consulting you. He fucked it all up when he made the account. She might have gone along with it If only he had discussed it with her. Then he really sealed the deal by getting upset with her. There was no going back at that point. Even if it was it innocent mistake on his part, everything he did made him look like someone who can't be trusted. And if he doesn't understand that, he can be trusted even less.
I can't tell if you're really defending a potential cheater here, or if you're just so naive that you would be duped if your partner pulled this exact stunt on you. If that dude isn't already cheating, he definitely has somebody in mind and they were going to “accidentally” meet on the dating site. Even though we disagree on the internet, please tell me that if your partner ever did this to you you would be smart enough to see what was going on.
You don’t need to plan this welfare check. He isn’t going to threaten to kill himself if he is blocked. Stop putting up roadblocks and shut it down.
She already has eyes on or already banging another dude. She just wants this so she doesn’t feel guilty. Dump her.
I do agree with those saying that you should not leave this alone. If this is a boundary to you then I think you need to bring it up. Better to talk to her and figure out what's going on. Accept the possible risk that it's a dealbreaker for you guys if she refuses to give up on that. Another thing that might be up your alley, if you don't think it should be a boundary for you, is discussing with her just to help yourself be more comfortable, and maybe even talk to a therapist about it. It could be seated in something more in depth than you realize.
lol I think maybe I’m in a perfect situation to provide some advice. I grew up in the west, am an Asian man and have fair skin. My wife (gf at the time) is darker skinned Asian. She was never 100% my type but honestly I didn’t care about how fair her or anyone else’s skin was. I’ve dated darker and paler Asian women in the past.
We moved to Asia and the beauty standards here are horrific. If you don’t have fair skin, you’re uglier. That’s just how it is perceived. I’ll admit I’ve been swayed a bit, I do find paler women more attractive now.
Does it matter? Hell no. Skin tone to me probably is one of the least important parts of someone’s attractiveness.
If his type really has changed, he’ll dump you and find someone else. If not, I wouldn’t worry.
lol I think maybe I’m in a perfect situation to provide some advice. I grew up in the west, am an Asian man and have fair skin. My wife (gf at the time) is darker skinned Asian. She was never 100% my type but honestly I didn’t care about how fair her or anyone else’s skin was. I’ve dated darker and paler Asian women in the past.
We moved to Asia and the beauty standards here are horrific. If you don’t have fair skin, you’re uglier. That’s just how it is perceived. I’ll admit I’ve been swayed a bit, I do find paler women more attractive now.
Does it matter? Hell no. Skin tone to me probably is one of the least important parts of someone’s attractiveness.
If his type really has changed, he’ll dump you and find someone else. If not, I wouldn’t worry.
Yes, this OP, absolutely this, so beautifully expressed!
She makes you feel bad for her poor decisions, that’s a big I’m outta here.
Lol tell me you’re a minor without telling me you’re a minor
Lol tell me you’re a minor without telling me you’re a minor
But am I supposed to remain monogamous when my partner doesn’t want me, or presumably anyone?
Uh, yeah? How is this even a question? You two decided on a monogamous marriage, right? Of course you're supposed to adhere to that unless you both decide otherwise. To make a decision unilaterally to no longer be monogamous to your wife without informing her makes you a cheater. Informing her that you're accepting that sex is not a priority for her but she has to accept that means you'll no longer be monogamous is coercive, at best.
I understand that you want your wife but you want a version of her that no longer exists. I'm assuming you've told her how seriously this has been hurting you and she either hasn't come up with solutions or they haven't worked. Divorce or a sex therapist are your only options here, dude. The wife you knew is gone. You don't want your wife as she is.
I wouldn’t care if my child was gay but I would damn sure care is he had been groomed. I realize that not all parents are like me.
So she wmats to break up, but have you on hold because she already knows she may regret her decisions
I swear I've typed this same thing out into like 20 posts, but let me tell you about one of my best friends (for the past 20 years) named Mandy.
Mandy was with her boyfriend for like 6 years – all through high school and into college. He lived in Texas (14 hours away) so he only ever got to come up and see her like once every month or two, sometimes longer when money was tighter. Any time they'd see each other, they'd (understandably) do the deed like rabbits… until it was time for him to leave again and go home. Well, long story short, she finished college and he moved up from Texas to live with her and start their lives together. She was STOKED. Everything that had been YEARS in the making had finally fallen into place. She was happy.
…for about a week. The boyfriend never worked/never tried to work, so she was out busting her butt to provide for the both of them while he stayed at their house all day, playing on the computer (“filling out job applications” lmao yea right). They stopped having sex; he didn't want her. He was always “too tired” or just “soooo worn out” to even mess around. She stayed up after he fell asleep one night and had a gander through his (her) laptop… and friend, let me tell you… if you thought your boyfriend had a problem, try a *10 HOUR PER DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK* porn problem. She found his search history (no incognito mode in 2007, lol) and found HOURS and HOURS and DAAAAAAYS worth of his marathon porn sessions. He beat off all day long and never had any energy left for her. She begged him to stop. She tried to initiate it only to be constantly rejected. Thus started the cycle of she asks him to change/he doesnt/she kicks him out/she takes him back that played out about 10 times over the next few months. I very clearly remember sitting at a bar with her and her (being pretty drunk) says “I love him… but f*** this shit. This sucks.” and that was it. She kicked him out for the final time and he ran back down to Texas. He tried to beg her to change her mind, but he would never follow through on his promises to change… so they never got back together. She's married now (not to the same guy) and is happy as heck. But she had to stand up for herself in order to stop her life from becoming a perpetual hell of rejection. They might have had a TON in common/similar personalities and tastes in music/TV/food, but sexual compatibility (or lack thereof) will 100% make or break a relationship – even when said relationship was seemingly healthy (or long-term). You have to choose where you want to go from this point… do you want to keep waiting around for him to change? What if he doesn't EVER change, will you leave? Have you given him an ultimatum? Or are you just kinda hoping he changes on his own accord? Life's too short to waste on people who would rather fuck their fist than their living, breathing HUMAN partner.
Some minister he will be. Find a good lawyer and run from that AH.
So you remember telling her “your darkest secrets”, telling her “literally everything” about you, but you can't remember what she told you?
Because of 3 beers and your brain being on “automode” just being so honest.
On your first date.
I can see why she wouldn't like the alcohol reasoning. Even if she hadn't ever been cheated on in the past, even if the dude hadn't blamed alcohol, she doesn't know that you have good intentions. You barely know each other.
You can't remember a single thing about her, but remember everything you said. I'd be pissed, too.
HOWEVER, that said, it's been a week and 3 dates. You don't even know each other. It sounds like you both did a bunch of trauma dumping, committed way, way too fast, and are acting like teens with infatuation.
Also – pro tip – if you know you have memory issues with alcohol, don't drink on dates.
Slow the hell down. Dating isn't a race.
Thanks for this comment but we were exclusive with each other and officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We had been getting to know each other for 6 months prior. Apologies if there was any initial confusion in my post.
Yep. He's very close to asking for an “open relationship.” He's obviously starting to manipulate OP. This relationship is pretty much doomed.
Just block her then. When blocking someone on instagram you automatically block their email/phone number/Facebook connection, so they won’t be able to make a new account and stalk you, they will have to find a new way of registering an account. Then you block that one as well. At a certain point she will probably be sick of creating new email accounts to create profiles with. Enough hoops = too much hassle for her.
Can I send you a draft of my letter? Perhaps get some advice?
I want to point out something that also might be happening
Attempting to move into her building to be closer to her Tried hard to get involved in her life.
When I read the moving bit, I immediately that could be a bit extreme.
Which lead me to these thoughts…There is a thing as too much love.
The above points makes me think there could be a slight chance (take that with a grain of salt) that she could be feeling smothered or intruded.
Moving closer with a heavy focus on being involved in all aspects of each-others lives… Of course those are all goals in a relationship, but they're layers you add when the weight can be handled. And if its coming on too strong for her, it could be resulting in her withdrawal from the relationship.
You most def are overextending yourself in the effort, when you aren't getting anything in return, its time to either reserve some of your energy by toning it down… or contemplate exiting the relationship to find someone who matches your energy.
Before you decide to break up (because I totally agree you should)… Perhaps ask her if she has been feeling the above.
Because you're in a relationship, and she certainty needs to give you a solid explanation on this bit:
she said she doesn't want to get too close to me.
What does that even mean?
Sounds like she wants a relationship, but a very minor version of one she can handle, nothing overwhelming. Whereas you want the full package with the extra trims… And that is probably where the both of your incompatibilities is coming from.
I'd suggest asking her the above thoughts, followed by what her ideal relationship looks like, what is the kind of relationship she see's herself in. From those answers, then decide if this is no longer a suitable fit.
I want to point out something that also might be happening
Attempting to move into her building to be closer to her Tried hard to get involved in her life.
When I read the moving bit, I immediately that could be a bit extreme.
Which lead me to these thoughts…There is a thing as too much love.
The above points makes me think there could be a slight chance (take that with a grain of salt) that she could be feeling smothered or intruded.
Moving closer with a heavy focus on being involved in all aspects of each-others lives… Of course those are all goals in a relationship, but they're layers you add when the weight can be handled. And if its coming on too strong for her, it could be resulting in her withdrawal from the relationship.
You most def are overextending yourself in the effort, when you aren't getting anything in return, its time to either reserve some of your energy by toning it down… or contemplate exiting the relationship to find someone who matches your energy.
Before you decide to break up (because I totally agree you should)… Perhaps ask her if she has been feeling the above.
Because you're in a relationship, and she certainty needs to give you a solid explanation on this bit:
she said she doesn't want to get too close to me.
What does that even mean?
Sounds like she wants a relationship, but a very minor version of one she can handle, nothing overwhelming. Whereas you want the full package with the extra trims… And that is probably where the both of your incompatibilities is coming from.
I'd suggest asking her the above thoughts, followed by what her ideal relationship looks like, what is the kind of relationship she see's herself in. From those answers, then decide if this is no longer a suitable fit.
Why do you want to be single? That's a serious question: what, specifically, do you think you're missing by not being single?
If you have answers to that – is there then any reason you can't do whatever things you think you're missing while dating someone? For example, if you want to have sex with other people, you can do that without breaking up.
While some people like the process of dating in and of itself and may be best suited to having a series of relatively casual, short-term relationships instead of seeking a committed, long-term relationship, for most people, finding a compatible partner for the long term is the entire purpose of dating. If you want to intentionally throw away the thing that you currently have that is the entire point of dating for most people, you should be clear both with yourself and your boyfriend why. Your question doesn't make it sound like you have any specific reasons – or any reasons, because other people's regrets about their own lives donht matter because you are not them and they are not you.
If you do have actual, particular reasons, I think it's worth seeing if those can be addressed without breaking up – assuming that a long-term relationship is actually what you want – and if not, breaking up may be the right thing to do.
It’s best to come out as soon as you can. Frame it like “I see a future with you so I want to discuss having a family with you”
But you seriously fucked up. Super selfish, you were risky with her life, and manipulative, yeah super asshole.
If she has any sense she will break up with you.
You’re lucky you didn’t accidentally get her pregnant.