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That’s true thanks
Read this again and then ask yourself if this person will ever be able to emotionally meet your needs. Highly unlikely. Not her fault. She's who she is. But I would break up and then spend your time becoming mentally healthy for yourself. Please take care of yourself. You deserve it?
No they can.
It just shady to go “I wanna fuck you… Oh you have a boyfriend? That's cool, I'll be your friend instead.”
You started off the friendship by hitting on her. If you started it off completely platonic, completely fine.
Lets be real. You don't have a platonic view of her. Your initial hit on/number grab proves that.
It means that in some way you're thinking about your ex either through out the day or before bed. Dreams sometimes used by the body to practice a situation without any risk. For example lets say you lived hundreds of years ago and everyday was a fight for you life due to sharing your living space with lions. Your mind would obviously see lions as a threat to you and thus you may have nightmares of fighting off lions because if you lose in a dream there is no risk. What I'm trying to say is that dreams are a way for you body to prepare you for something you perceive as a risk thus I'd imagine that either concisely or subconsciously you feel that the situation of your ex moving on without you or forgetting about you is a risk and your nightmares are occurring because your body is preparing you for that possible outcome and trying to allow you to come up with a game plan encase that happens.
When you CHOSE to marry your wife , did that not mean you would protect & honour her ? What about this situation supports that ? None in my eyes. Is this the relationship you want to model for your children ? You’d be happy with them being treated like you treat your wife / their mother ?
You either need to choose to be the man her & your children deserve, or step out & make room for a real man to step in. Get out of the doorway.
OP, Inform someone at school! Your mother is not trying to protect you at all, so you have nothing to owe her! Break free! Don't go back, and tell everyone who will listen!
It's not really that shitty….he tried to spare her feelings, she pushed, and he answered her question. He has every right to his own set of standards, what's shitty about that ?
Perception is important , that looks sus and I tell you what he use thinking about it
I would tell the guys you work with to keep it within reasonable hours if you want your relationship to survive.
Because it will be nude to shake the hand of a man whose wife he’s actively fucking. People are saying wife is just naive, I don’t think so. If I was friends with ANYONE that refused to meet my husband that would be it. Especially if that someone was a single man I had just become friends with.
You miss what you had? What exactly was that? You communicated to him during the relationship that certain things weren’t working and he seems to have made minimal, nominal efforts to improve. You felt alone in the relationship and my guess is that would be the feeling that would define your marriage. And also, rather than make genuine efforts to address your issues and create change, he went out and got himself a FWB. For me that would be the move that would make me shut the door on any future. Breaking up is painful and right now it sounds like you’re in it. Focus on the negatives, the concrete reasons that forced you to pick up and leave in the first place. You did this in an attempt to get him to realize the seriousness of your unhappiness. His response was to beg and plead, accuse you of seeing someone else and then begin to see someone else himself. You have zero reason to believe that anything would be different if he suddenly says let’s move back in together. So then, why would you even consider reconciliation? Be sad, mourn the loss of what was and what could have been, but hold out for someone that aligns better with your expectations. This is where you need a good dose of a self-esteem booster. Reach out to friends and family. Good luck.
You're only getting one side of the story. Even if it goes as she says, take a step back, only a psycho would want that kind of drama.
Does he have a nude mom or sister?
It seems like this happened six years ago
I get it. Kids can be tough to deal with, and they can say really hurtful, mean things. This is going to be one of those things that takes time. You're welcome.
Wait, so man's got a baby mama, a surrogate mommy to raise his kids (you), and he's in love with a third woman.
All ya'll women need to get this man out of your lives, Jesus Christ.
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I just wanted to know your opinion. I think some guy wouldn't be ok with it. You are though so perhaps you two ate just incompatible.
Yeah. She prefers in person for this but maybe that should be an option I recommend too. Thanks for the comments
What a dick… spouses should never try to demean or belittle their partners in front of others (or in private for that matter). It shows a blatant lack of respect.
You need to remind yourself that no matter what other qualities that you think he has might be kind of good if he treats you in an abusive way, he is not good.
Period. It cancels out any of the neutral characteristics that you say are good.
You’re lying to yourself to rationalize and justify why you are staying with this guy. It was exciting to cheat, it was fun to have all that attention, but now you’re seeing who he is. He’s a very mean person that wants to hurt your feelings.
You cannot put a pros and cons list to this. No other good traits can cancel that behavior out!
Yeah cut loose. Better she wait till marriage that she AND her husband are both “old.enough to deal with the potential consequences” you can absolutely break up with her and if she pestered on why say “sexual incompatibility” and leave it at that also explain that your silence wasn't a yes it was you being in shock/processing and move on from there
You didn't break her trust, she's paranoid. None of those incidents are anything at all but she's convinced you you're the villain so she can keep controlling you.
This is not a person to keep dating. This was exhausting to read. You can't possibly want to put up with this behaviour and detective work bullshit for another year, can you??
Ask him about pegging. He has to say yes basically in this situation. So either new bedroom fun, or punishment.
'Survivalist' sounds like the perfect coverup for this as well. You arrive and they'll make you think that taking your phone and ID away makes perfect sense.
I see your point here and I would be honest about it with him – if I decide to try it… But yeah, the last thing I want to do is to hurt him 🙁
I can see why she has an unhealthy relationship with food if that's what you think is supportive.
YTA.
i felt safer vacationing in colombia than i ever did in europe (i went to france). didn’t even stay at a resort, but if you travel to a big tourist city and have basic respect for the people there, you’re treated very well. imo husband, like many americans, have this weird idea that south/central america is all cartels and murderers who are gonna steal his baby
So it’s not normal then? And I shouldn’t care?
Be honest, do it asap not to waste her time and don't expect it to be amicable.
Don't try and justify yourself (you will, eventually, that's how people's minds work, they hate to be in the wrong). But for the time being—be a man, accept anything coming your way from a woman who trusts you and who's about to be betrayed. You can on-line with that.
Just part your ways asap. She will need time to recover and find a better partner.
This is a very good advice, I’m definitely going to try this tonight, sometimes it’s just so embarrassing to start a conversation like that, anyways I do appreciate your advice
How many hours does he work a week? Is it manual labor?
He could have said it better. Losing weight is in your best longterm interests in terms of health, even if you leave your ham-mouthed husband.
Set up a small home gym. Start with one of the stepper machines that also have the hand ropes so that you work your upper and lower body. Cut back on juice and soft drink consumption and consumption of other sweets, don’t end them, just cut back. Drink more water, especially really cold water.
He's deluded.
Dump him.
huge problem with how much meat I eat
Well how much meat do you eat? Do you eat it every day? Because by now everyone should know how unhealthy overconsumption is and how catastrophic it is for the environment… Not to mention the animal abuse.
This is everything you need to know. Break up.
I mean the way you phrased your question sounded insulting. The truth is he can absolutely do better than you and you can absolutely do better than him.
My husband and I are both attractive people. I know he can get with women that are more attractive than I am, he knows I can get with men more attractive than he is. That’s not why we chose each other in the end. We complete each other. One day we’ll be old and gray, our looks will fade, the reasons we chose each other will still be the same.
Your partner's communication: “I feel stressed; I feel like I am pressured to clean before you arrive home; I feel this way because you always complain about it.”
Your communication: “It's annoying; I feel unappreciated; I take on more responsibility than you.”
So your partner has told you how she feels and what the cause is; you have responded by reiterating your complaints, which makes her even more stressed. Argument begins.
“I feel” statements are actually a really good approach to basic communication – next time you guys have an issue, instead of getting defensive/argumentative, start by paraphrasing what she has told you, to show her that you have heard what she said and understand her experience. Then you can respond with sentences that also start with “I feel”. See if that helps her understand your point of view without feeling attacked.
Could be paranoia, but you've also matched up a collection of observations that have caused you concern.
I'd go full private investigator.
When confronting a spouse about these suspicions, it's 50/50 whether or not they will confess. You give away your advantage by discussing without attempting to collect any evidence. Gives them a heads up to hide their tracks better and destroy any existing evidence.
I'm paranoid too, but then again, a lot of adults in relationships cheat.
Thank you!
This seems like sound advice. Your compliments alone aren’t going to magically going to change her insecurities, unfortunately.
This.
Even if she WAS flirting (which she probably wasnt), you SHOULD have had a conversation about if there was any chemistry or feelings there, and whether she might be interested in exploring it further, one on one. And you should have explored if she'd even be open to FWB – many people are not.
Because he's being weird about you going to his. Have you had a date? Gone out together anywhere? Has he taken you out?
Please for the love of god tell her. Why do women always question that as if that’s what will ruin the marriage? Dude ruined the marriage the minute he stuck it in another woman. Tell her and let her save some of her dignity and herself from a disease. Especially since some stis can be passed on through breast milk. Well the worst ones can anyways.
Ignoring your son is a huge NO. A parent needs to be the child’s safe place. Have I ever been so angry at my son that I want to ignore him? Of course! Do I? Not a chance. He’s a child, I can’t respond to him by acting like a child in return. If he know I’m mad at him and still tries to talk to me, it’s for a reason. Your husband is screwing with your son’s head by giving him the silent treatment. It’s so wrong.
What he’s doing to you is also wrong, but doing it to the child brings it to a whole new level. My ex husband used to do the same thing to me. Ignore me for days on end and then poof! He’s back to normal and never wants to discuss it again, meanwhile it’s completely unresolved for me.
While it sounds like you 100% have earned the role. The title… you need to discuss this with your wife. And hopefully her and her ex can talk with Rose about what SHE would like to do, and no one gets butthurt about it. But, this is not a decision that should be left up to you. You need to tell your wife, and she needs to handle it. As a mom, I would be devastated if my kids called someone else mom. Even if they earned it. It would be different if her dad was not in the picture. And you are clearly very aware that this can get tricky. Tell your wife. Let them handle it. You need to just be ok with whatever the 3 of them decide what your title should be. Great job stepping into the role of a step parent! Sounds like your wife and her daughter are very lucky to have you.
He felt he needed to keep me protected from the things they said to him, he would say I’m happy in my relationship and they would just keep saying these horrible things (I’m fat, I’m going to baby trap him, I’m not involved in their family enough among other things).
When we’ve been together since all he’s said his he’s torn between them like he’s trying to fit us both into a puzzle and it’s just not working. He says he wants and hopes we can work things out and I’ve said you know I’m happy to go ahead and put more effort into being involved in family things along with other things we’ve discussed can definitely be worked on, which previously weren’t being brought up because he was constantly feeling awful about the family things and felt just trying to make things better wouldn’t matter.
There’s still so much love and care in our relationship just between the two of us like we’re going to couples counselling because we both want this to work. He just doesn’t know how to make it work with his family disliking me no matter what I do. I think it’s plain and simple they just don’t like me and everything I ever do won’t be enough for them, I can accept that but he doesn’t know how to be okay with that and I just want to help him understand I’ll love him no matter what because our relationship isn’t between me and his family it’s me and him and we’re a team
She’s getting bored. That’s what’s happening.
Since you've given us permission to laugh you clearly understand that these on-line “relationships” are a bit sus. But given that in a LDR you can be anything you want and withhold any information you like it's kind of strange that your ex's name comes up at all. This girl doesn't really know you so just stop talking about your ex with her. Save that for your IRL friends if you need to talk about it. Present yourself in whatever you want to to this penpal.
Part of unconditional love is accepting that it may not include a life together. Maybe what you need is to focus on yourself and your health. That may not include travel or children, but if he still sees those things in his life, then loving unconditionally means he is free to continue to seek that life. I think the problem is that you are afraid maybe he is not the supportive partner you thought he was when you first got together.
All of the things you point out in your clarification #4 are good points that you should think about for yourself. He seems ready to jump ship pretty quickly, and the “what ifs” about future health/ children with health concerns if valid. What if HE got sick…would he expect you to stay in the relationship?
As someone who was the caretaker for a husband with anxiety and other issues that really peaked for about 8 years and changed our life completely, I can tell you it's nude. He has to be ready to let go of that vision of the future, otherwise it will be a difficult time for both of you. I hope you can give him some grace and time to grieve the future you once shared, because it has changed. He has to accept that, or there will be lots of frustration and resentment.
You can both love each other and also not be right for each other. Life has a way of changing things. I'm sending you lots of healing vibes.
No breakup is easy. Much like a band aid, you're just going to have to rip it off and get it over and done with. No one likes breaking up with someone and no one likes being broken up with. It is what it is.
You just ask her directly. Also stop hanging g around her friends. Tell her if they are going to be disrespectful, then don't waste your time around them. That said, the amount of money you make doesn't always correlate with how respected your job is. I don't know what you do but you must know that someone who makes a lot of money working a union job in a factory will still get looked down on by people in other fields because of the nature of work. It is shitty, and a way of devaluing people and professions, but it shouldn't surprise you they do it. They are clearly snobs.
So basically you want free access to the kids mother without having to worry about having to work around having a kid in the house.
If you don't realize how incredibly selfish that makes you, you can't be helped. Also this whole “the first year of marriage at least” thing is just big baby energy. You're a 30 year old man, not a college kid. Keep adult time for when the kid is asleep, or plan little get aways where he can go stay with dad or another relative. Don't literally rob a child of his steady, loving parent because you want to pretend she didn't have “another man's kid” for a year (or however long you're actually gonna block that out..you can tell us whatever but only time will tell)
Also, how do you think the mum giving the kid up for what's basically a new lover who slapped a wedding ring on her is gonna make her look? To everyone, and especially her child. Like “yeah, my mum decided she didn't want to care for me more than one or two weekends a month because her new husband was more important to her” Just yikes dude. Put yourself in the kid's shoes, imagine you were them and had this being done to you, would you like your new “step dad”?
Either grow up and accept the realities of marrying a single mother, or let her go and find someone who is actually accepting of who she is and will actually love her and her child.
You are a truly despicable and repulsive human for doing this to anyone, let alone your own partner. There is no coming back from this. There is no redeeming yourself. I hope she gets far away from you and never has to see your face or hear your voice ever again.
This is insane. You were mo longer trying to keep her safe you were trying to win an argument.
You didn’t humiliate her. You assaulted her.
If my boyfriend did this he’d be lucky to sleep on the couch and not the streets.
Wtf.
You wont understand ever because you seem like a nice, well rounded adult and what she is doing is stupid and childish, therefore, you wont get it. She sounds entitled, snob and immature. She wont change, people only change when they are convinced there is something wrong with them, she thinks she is right so there wont be any change happening.
You have two choices; stay with her and deal with constant disrespect because she sees you and what you like like something less than her or leave and find someone with the minimum level of kindness and maturity that actually respects you and what you do, wether she likes it or not.
Your choice 🙂
Yeah average/middling seems like a pretty good place to be. It is of similar size to many/most people and can get the job done. Who cares about the rest.
Absolutely not. What he’s doing is textbook physical abuse.
nah, cause when a notification has popped up, I've asked her to go into snap and show me, and nothing is there.
If I was your BF, the frequency of these trips is what would bother me. You say “every so often” but 25% of weekends does not qualify as every so often to me.
I got married because I enjoy my wife's company and now that we have a kid, I like spending time with my family. One member of my family disappearing regularly and being no contact isn't something I want from a partnership and I'd suspect your BF feels similarly.
You said in another comment that if your BF wants alone weekends, you'd take his daughter for the weekend. That's great but are you ok if he wants to do this every month? So that two weekends every single month one of you is gone? If you get married and have another kid together, is that something you'd want for you family? Where one parent is gone and incommunicado for 50% of weekends?
If you do that's fine but maybe that means you and your BF are not a good match long-term. I'd personally be ok with this maybe 3-4 times per year.
“They will always end up married to the next girl they can lay their paws on.”
Is my experience. Happy or not… just put a lock on it so it doesn't run.
So basically, yes ?
I’ll pm ya, not really wanting to discuss that on a private forum:)
Definitely going to let her know but I just know I’ll be met with the “he’s just a friend” and “it’s not like that.” Sometimes your partner can be really naive to the situation at hand.
Honestly the best advice I have for you is to look for a therapist who can address your the things you want to work on. I'll list below the questions you should ask when looking for a therapist.
What's your rate and do you have a sliding scale
⁃These are some of the issues that I want to work on (list issues), what kind of experience do you have helping people with these issues? ⁃What does the typical session look like and what can I expect about how you’re going to help me? ⁃What’s your therapeutic approach? ⁃ What is your specialty, what are you passionate about working with.
How long have you been a therapist.
Do you have a therapist. (any therapist worth their salt should have a therapist).
What's the best way to communicate with you if I'm not getting what I need from therapy.
If your not satisfied with the answers to these questions communicate that, or let them know that they might not be a good fit for you, and you'd like to explore other options.
Don't be discouraged during this process, it might take some time but it is definitely worth the effort.
Hi guys! I’m having a hard time seeing comments. I’m only getting the AutoModerator ?
That’s so awful I am so sorry. God, how terrible. I think I get so caught up in not having tangible evidence that he always convinces me I’m crazy so I let it go. Maybe I need to comfortable with not having tangible proof and going with my gut.
Share my SO? No. I'm highly monogamous and that's ok. It's ok if you are too. You don't have to feel bad about that choice. Maybe you change your mind, maybe you don't, but it's ok either way. Just don't be pressured by anyone.
She needs you for the bills and to rely on for stability while she gets to fuck and spend time with someone else. That’s all that’s about.
The most important factor is what the commenter above mentioned, it makes 0 sense to not tell you who she’s cheating with. You’re obviously going to ask your wife so she would know who the person outing her is anyway (by their own logic). It’s a lie. Trust your wife.
This should be at the top.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP. The fact you weee assaulted earlier in life to some may make them think you are an easier target. This and your boyfriend (hopefully now Ex boyfriend) suck! It’s not okay to continue at any point if someone says “no,” or “stop.” I’m sorry he assaulted you, but this is what it sounds like to me. (Hugs) please seek help for this and get counseling if you haven’t already. Dealing with the past and present SA will hopefully alliw you to have a great future. I wish you the best OP!
That whole line about him wanting to feel attractive and validated by other women is just a crock of shit. And him saying that to you tells me he never respected you in the first place if he thought you were going to believe that so whether you love him or not at this point is irrelevant.
Staying with a man who is actively looking to cheat on you is just going to make your life miserable. The resentment is going to seep into everything. You won't be able to trust him about anything, and that feeling will grow exponentially than what you feel right at this exact moment, and God help you if he gives you a disease from sleeping with other women.He is actively trying to cheat on you. Divorce the jerk.
How do you know she already didn't get them removed behind your back?
Idk I suppose I am in the minority here on reddit, I don't mind making small sacrifices to suite the preferences of my wife, she doesn't like the sensation of a full beard, so I am simply don't grow it out. Would it be nice to do so at one point ? Sure, but I'd rather please her.
That being said I wouldn't go out of my way to say stuff about I didn't like unless it really affected something. Obviously he is in the wrong for the comment, but I don't think catering to your SO's preferences is a bad thing
I am a young man and I don't think you did anything wrong here. What happened is sad and unfortunate, and however you feel (including if you feel violated) is valid.
From the outside as a man and from your description, it doesn't sound like he ever had any intention to hurt you or make you feel that way. However, this is a perfect example of how important clear and enthusiastic consent is, and something that falls on both parties but more on the initiating person in the encounter.
In this case, he seemed to be the one moving things forward, so he should have gotten clear and enthusiastic consent for penetration from you before coming anywhere close to attempting it. It was wrong of him not to, and it is sad how many parents and educators don't communicate the idea and importance of consent properly to young men.
Over time sometimes it does.
I had a near identical thing happen to me in a long distance relationship. BF’s family knew me, I thought I was the main chick. We talked marriage and everything. He was living with his main chick it turned out and my care package got him found out. He knew I was sending it, but the timing was off and she blew a gasket when it came in, and left him. He said she was his ex and she got fed up with him sleeping on the couch and moved out. So the. I stupidly became the main chick until I widened up years later.
He's never gonna say it to you….