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of course it's cheating and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. if the roles were reversed everyone would say you're awful and he should leave you
The OF girl was months ago. I don’t know if this girl is OF
Follow up comment for anyone that could help me with further advice on the travel part. My girlfriend has told me twice that we’d go to Aruba and the Puerto Rico together but when I say I can’t go due to work or studying, she takes someone else and usually another family member. I feel upset by this and wish she’d understand that it affects me by saying let’s go to this place together and then take someone else. How can I express this clearly since it’s happened twice (the next trip is in January 2023), and I don’t want her to cancel but wish she never booked it in the first place.
I'm so sorry for you all.
The thing about emotional pain is that we unfortunately can't treat it like normal pain. What is left is an overwhelming desire to run from it. Your children and their loss is obviously a significant bond and association between you, so each of you can become a source of pain for each other while also being a source of comfort. It's tangled and combative and confusing. Sometimes the pain is even bigger in size than the love. It doesn't mean the love is lacking, it's just that the love is being hidden by the sheer magnitude of pain right now.
You guys need a qualified and experienced Trauma Counsellor. Not just a grief counsellor – a Trauma Informed Counsellor. The details of your trauma may also require a treatment like EMDR in addition, so you could seek that out as one of their skills because it is one more tool they have available if needed. If you find a good trauma counsellor but they doesn't do EMDR, then you can do it with someone else but with the support of your primary counsellor.
This distinction between types of counsellors is important because of the specific circumstance you have experienced is beyond the scope of even an experienced grief counsellor. Just like a orthopaedic surgeon can't do brain surgery just because there is bone adjacent to the brain. Different skill sets.
You can interview any psychologist or psychiatrist just like you would any other service provider. If you feel dismissed, alienated, uncomfortable with their personality, or anything else seems to be wrong, then you can try another. Doctors are individuals too, and a lack of confidence in them will prevent effective treatment because you need to feel safe to open up to them. Some are just @$$#0/es.
Right now you guys need practical accessible coping skills or tasks which can be used to divert feelings when you might normally be each other's targets. This is so you guys can be a source of comfort (or neutrality) while also expressing your pain while getting longer-term assistance from your counsellor.
Support groups are another option. In-person is ideal, but online is often an option too. Contact your local suicide awareness and support services to find some. It's terrible, but multiple losses in one family isn't uncommon, so you are not alone in this.
You say you have shut down. Perhaps this is a coping method (understandable) but you both really need targeted effective support as individuals, and as a couple, and as parents – these are separate but linked identities (even though that sounds contradictory).
Use 24hr crisis help lines in the moment are required. Use your family doctors and your local hospital emergency when you need to.
No-one can truly understand your situation, because it is unique to the individual and their internal life and nuanced experience. If people say they can, you can accept it as their way of trying to be supportive, while also knowing they really have no idea. Sometimes the intention of others is good – but the delivery sucks.
I guess what I am asking, simply, is for ways that I can be a supportive husband to her, because with all honesty, I've forgotten how (and am not sure how to when I feel nothing.) Something has to change, or I'm afraid something drastic might happen, most likely with her.
Please remember that you don't have to always “be a supportive husband for her.” Your numbness is a blaring warning siren that you need support quick. I'm going to be really blunt and hope my delivery doesn't suck too bad:
They can't understand. This isn't the normal kind of grieving situation.
Just like you think they don't understand, possibly you and your wife are feeling this about each other to some degree.
Stoic/strong/resilient/contained/”a rock”…….all these could make your wife resent you for 'not seeming to care as much as her'. We all know that's NOT true, and your wife would too if her own pain wasn't so dominating and leaving little room for objectivity and rational thought. You two ARE the closest to being able to understand each other's turmoil, but even that has it's natural limits.
I hope you know that you are entitled to feel and express your pain too. It can actually help everyone. Sometimes we need to reveal ourselves to the other in all our terrifying and ugly grief so we can feel seen, understood, and loved despite it. It's scary to let it out of our grip because it can seem uncontrollable. A letter or journal might be your preferred option, and helpful to you even if only you ever see it. You could address the entries to your wife. If willing, she could write her own in return or just read yours.
We often want recognition that our closest person somewhat comprehends the desire to do such things as tear our own skin from our bones in the hope that pain might distract a little from the poison pain and rage inside of us. Sometimes we turn against those closest because we know they are our 'safe person'. Sometimes we simultaneously resent our safe person because the sheer size of the pain we feel renders us unable to comprehend an equal or greater pain in someone else.
Grief is often not rational.
Grief can make us selfish.
Being hit by your wife is not acceptable, and it just adds a different type of pain and problem to deal with now and later. Decide on strategies for such situations 1) tell her that hitting you is not right, and you will come back in 10 minutes, then leave the room. 2) Hold her from behind until she calms so you can have the physical presence of each other without her being able to hit you. Any strategy requires consistent application, even if it makes you feel wrong. It's about creating new and sustainable ways of caring for each other, and sometimes that means going against established patterns or desire to just endure. Be consistent. Every. Time. You both have the right to be safe.
I hope your post gives you some ideas for coping. Access those crisis telephone lines to help you formulate strategies and to also release your turmoil into a safe space. Research trauma informed care and therapies like EMDR even if it is not an option right now for some reason. Information and the act of finding it can help you feel more control and hopeful (and it helps pass time).
You've been very brave in posting and opening yourself up to others. Well done. One last thing: Trauma and Grief may not necessarily recede or disappear like people might say…..but it does change shape. That change can be into something more controlled and manageable in the context of your lives. There is hope.
It sounds like it would be the best course of action for you to break up with him and focus on getting out of your small town. I struggled making friends as a teenager too and blossomed when I went to college in a big city out of state. You don't have to go to college, but I would strongly recommend you change your environment.
Even if this were a healthy relationship, which it's not, it's so important to have a support system outside of your partner. It helps you regulate and realize what's normal and what isn't. I'll be your friend for now and tell you that this isn't normal.
If your son is his, I don’t see the issue with simply taking the test.
Yeah, when I look at it from an outside perspective it doesn't feel like much really. I think I just have a low bar in regards to what I deserve.
9 years of the same every day, will do that to you. Your expectations are slowly lowered to fit the circumstances.
when I really need someone to say no, I've seen how bad it's been for you, please don't go back.
This is just me, a stranger on the internet, with nothing invested in your life or relationship, but looking at your post and comments, I want to say from the bottom of my heart, you deserve better.
“He doesn't know if he can commit to our relationship”
Uhhh, he already did? That's what a marriage is, a commitment.
You’re just being weird man.
Either you learn to set boundaries or you are going to get sick with her or with anyone else that comes after.
When my partner and I (both mid 40’s now) came up to Xmas, we discussed and agreed to skip gifts the first year. Second year we agreed on a general dollar amount. Now we really don’t exchange gifts anymore. We generally buy each other stuff we know the other one wants or needs all year long vs at Xmas or bday in a “forced gift giving” way .
Don’t hint around. If you want to do gifts, talk about it. Sounds like Xmas isn’t a big thing for him. He needs to know that it is for you. Hinting around isn’t going to work.
drop him. he’ll just hurt you more the longer you let him stay in your life
I hate how “we weren’t official” is a catch all excuse nowadays, fook that.
You break up. Being without remorse is not the same thing as being without guilt. You’re a terrible partner, and your excuses and justifications are pure bullshit. You need to improve yourself before getting into another monogamous relationship.
But it isn’t. Hypotheticals aren’t going to help your shit takes.
That’s not much you can really do, you did your part which was being honest. But unfortunately your boyfriend is in a situation that is probably one of the worst scenarios I guy can encounter, having a girlfriend that has been intimate with his friend. It’s really up to him and how he handles the situation, does his feelings for strong enough to get pass the movie mind games of him picturing you with his friend. If his buddy is a standup guy then hopefully he doesn’t kiss and tell about your one night stand. But if it spreads through the hockey team and everyone starts busting your boyfriend about the issue, it might get to him. Well hope it works out.✌?
I would ask her to clarify exactly what she’s looking for because you learned what “dirty thirty” meant. You can still make it a surprise, but it would be a little less awkward or disappointing.
TRauma isn't your fault but it is your responsibility. If you're not doing anything to work on processing your trauma and strategies to combat it, don't bother meeting her.
Well “mens rights” is nothing. Men invented the idea of rights, we’ve never had to fight for it.
Men being treated fairly and equitably Is of course the goal. Since everyone should be treated fairly and equitable. But rights are granted by the government. And men have never not had rights. Well, white men. Well, white Christian men. Well, white Christian land owning men. But you get why I’m saying.
And yes we agree
Rights are NOT granted by the government, they are intrinsic to our being. They may, or may not, be recognized by the government. They may, or may not, be protected by the government. They may, or may not, be infringed upon by the government. Anything that is not a human right, that is granted by the government, is almost certainly infringing on someone else's rights, and is a privilege of some sort. You see what I'm saying?
Just sat there like, “oh there goes my husband, sexually assaulting our son again. Anyway. What would everyone like for dinner?”
Cheating, sexual abuse, etc. No, I never go out. I have a full time job on weekends so I have no time for nonsense. I was single for a while and was following some accounts with similar hobbies, and they were just females.. and she attacked me for it down the line. Mostly accounts with women riding motorcycles or hobbies like guitarists, and they would “sexualize themselves” or just be sort of out there with their looks, and I guess that makes her uncomfortable. We positives to this relationship, she is trustworthy but I feel like she's a feminist a bit. It's upsetting because I'm getting older and my previously relationship was 5 years prior, and I'd like to settle down and have a family. But all these red flags I keep encountering in my life makes me feel like not bothering anymore.
I told her it’s not a priority for her.
You're not a priority for her.
She sounds cold and you're only there to serve her. It doesn't sounds like she loves you or even likes you much.
I'd stop trying with her, find a job and make an exit plan.
You’ve been together seven months and you feel anxiety about being alone with her – end it. It’s okay to end it for whatever reason you want, but I’d say that’s a very strong reason to. At this stage, you really shouldn’t be having to work so naked to make it work, you know?
YTA.
You are jeopardizing his relationship with his SISTER.
You just broke up. Maybe if this was years later, but it’s not.
The relationship with him would not be forever….you’re rebounding and looking to feel better. He was convenient.
But. Yeah. To be willing to put a familial relationship in jeopardy takes a special sort.
Tell him you need to talk to him.
“Right before we became a couple I told you that I was visiting my family. The truth is that Timmy and I met to sort things out between us so we could end things in peace. I wasn't think about you or a future with you because we weren't there yet… but I was wrong. If you want to end it here and now over it, I'll understand.”
The underlying notes of this confession is that you messed up. That you are admitting it. That it was before you were serious and that if this is a big deal now, you'll accept it.
BUT – do not let him turn this into a fight. He can voice his frustration. He can be hurt and angry, but he doesn't get to name call, be verbally abusive or to treat you like shit. He gets to accept it and move on with you two making better rules for honesty or communication or he gets to be single.
You fucked up and if you are afraid his reaction… well dating him may be a fuckup too!
You guys are both better off not continueing. It sounds like you are incompatible and you finally found that out. It's kind of naked to have an equal relationship if you are telling him what to do all the time, kinda sounds you are playing the mother role in this relation instead of the girlfriend. How should he be still in love with you if you dont let him flourish? He can't develop, so he probaby feels stuck and I cant really blame him for it. But he told you this a year ago and you are still trying?? Why exactly.
Something you can work on in your future relationships, because you having ADHD is you using that as an excuses to be controlling, dominant and the need to be right. ADHD has nothing to do with this.
Honestly what exactly is being controlling about what he said? I don't remember reading anywhere in their saying not to do something or forbidding anything. Second guessing someone isn't controlling. And honestly I'd be upset also if my girlfriend met someone on the beach, gave them her phone number and planned to go on a date with them.
Jfc…Ladies, can we all please collectively agree to stop dating disgusting, dirty man-babies??? There is literally no reason for a grown-ass man to not be showering, brushing his teeth and cleaning up after himself. Yet I feel like I see a post like this almost every day. Plz stop dating and enabling these unwashed bridge trolls. ?
Maybe I watch too much Forensic Files but whenever a husband moves on super quick like that I assume he murdered his spouse ?