My (25f) boyfriend (32m) came inside me without telling or asking me. I don’t want to feel violated, but I do.

Apologies for my dry language, as I'm writing this I am still in shock

We have been together for 3 months. Other than this situation our relationship has been mostly really good.

We have had the conversation about pulling out, my boundaries and rules around sexual hygiene. I'm not taking hormonal birth control and have used the FAM (fertility awareness method) + pull out technique + herbal contraception successfully for four years.

Important context: I'm an SA "survivor", experienced date r*pe in college. One of the statistics. So, experiencing non-consensual sexual acts is highly triggering for me.

I'm struggling with this situation because our sex was enthusiastically consensual and amazing, until suddenly it was retraumatizing. Only when I went to clean myself did I feel a lot of fluid oozing out, and asked if he came inside me. He responded, "Yeah." And a long silence while I felt myself immediately shut down and struggle to not disassociate completely.

I could barely speak. I felt dazed, moving slowly, standing in front of doorways staring blankly for several minutes before passing through the threshold. It felt like PTSD shock.

The thoughts in my mind at this time — he disrespected something sacred. He violated my boundaries, my wishes. He knew better and lacked discipline. He hurt me so deeply for his own pleasure. He didn't respect my no. He didn't tell me until I asked. And when I did he was not immediately remorseful or understood the gravity of his harm.

He asked me how I felt. I said "Ashamed, for some reason." He assured me that I should not be the one to feel ashamed. But I do. There is this sense of "my fault this happened again."

Now, I know its not the same. There is a significant level of my traumatic history baggage being projected. I know he is sorry (hyper aware that reading that falls pathetically flat). I am reminding myself that he is not the same person who did this to me before, that people can fuck up or get caught up in a moment and it doesn't make him a r*pist.

I'm just stuck with this deeply unsettled feeling because I don't want to feel upset with him, but the body keeps score or whatever and I'm not sure if I will be able to trust him anymore. The idea of letting him back in my body feels almost foolish, like I'd just be creating promoting or allowing it to potentially happen again. But on the other hand, of course I want that closeness with him.

What does forgiveness look like in this case? How can I process and how can we repair the harm? Is there a version of forgiveness here that is not also self-betrayal?

🙁 any women been through this before? are you okay? can the relationship be repaired?