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Everyone waits to find their person and she found hers blah blah dont they both look amazing blah blah shes a wonderful person and deserves all the happiness in the world so excited for the couple's journey in life together to come blah blah
generic shit like that
Your SIL crossed a line calling you disrespectful and horrible for not allowing her to bully you into doing something you clearly do not want to do. That was downright disrespectful and horrible of her! Your family is trying to emotionally blackmail you.
Well she got you my dude
From your description I get that he's under more stress in general than the average person, but nothing would make the behavior you describe acceptable, nor that stress something that should be your burden to bear. When my wife or I are under excessive stress and dealing with frayed nerves, we can sometimes snap at each other, but generally the impulse is to seek comfort from the other person, not assign blame and start fights. The former CAN be exhausting for the person providing comfort, but the latter just makes things more stressful for both of you and solves nothing.
That is to say, you were 100% in the right making this sort of ultimatum, as others have said you have got to follow through, and hopefully if he DOES go to therapy he can learn to deal with things in a way that will be better for both of you.
it’s obvious that neither of you is mature enough for a relationship, and on top of that, you just sound really incompatible. like extremely incompatible. you both get butthurt about small things, you both get bitchy and snappy, you don’t argue in a healthy way, you’re both passive-aggressive, you’re both insensitive and insecure… i could go on, but really, i don’t know what advice can be given.
How old is she?
If she always has irregular periods and shes young then yes thats normal. If neither of those are true then you should be worried. Has she ever had a period missing for this long?
Get away from this person. You do NOT need to settle lil sis. Take it from me. Life is too short to waste your time on someone who doesn’t think you are the best and most wonderful human in their life.
I think if you have been together for 5 years that made you 17 and her 24 when you began dating. Your age compared to hers even now is a good reason for your insecurity. (not a criticism). But think about it. You were a minor and she was 2 years older than you are NOW when you started dating. That is maturity-wise, and experience-wise, a huge gap. She had 5+ years of adult relationships before dating you and you had none. This is a big deal.
Harsh truth: The person you began dating as a teen rarely will be the person you grow old with. If this isn't working, it isn't. There's no shame in that. It's normal. Breaking up over this? Some may see it as insecure, etc, but if it's your line, then it's your line. You have to consider what you want in a partner and what you want for your life. Make sure your expectations are reasonable and that you would be ok with the same expectations placed on you.
Trust is the key and it works both ways. You had no right or justification to go through her private messages. Very few people would consider fantasizing about famous people cheating, but most people would consider going through her messages a violation of privacy and a breach of trust.
Maybe try couples therapy to try to sort out the boundaries. But these are things you unfortunately need to get to the bottom of before bringing a child into this world. I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for.
This is the right answer. Nobody you need to be concerned about is jealous.
Fucking adore the fact the first comment isnt about an apparently dumb and insecure relationship but about this girls actually health lmao
If she threatens you by saying she’ll cheat on you then that instantly means you need to break up with this person. You’ll be less stressed when it’s over. I hope it works out for you!
Yeah but that kid presumably has a mom?
She thought about it and decided your child was not entitled to the money. You know this. You need to have a conversation going forward about finances because if she doesn’t feel she needs to contribute to your child’s college fund you don’t need to contribute to her child’s college fund.
Your boyfriend is taking advantage of your trauma to openly cheat on you.
You need to breakup with him if you don't want to further your trauma. He is very toxic for anyone let alone for a person with a history of such severe trauma.
Do not let him gaslight you and lie to you. Ignore his demands and pleas. He is out to hurt and destroy you.
Their downvoting because they know it’s the truth. They only make it out to be the hardest thing when it’s the lady tbh. Then she must be soooo tired that’s why she doesn’t clean and kids are a full time job yada yada yada. One kid is mostly at school so she really only has one the whole day. If she wants to take care of the house she can.
Are you sure you’re 26 and not 14?
Oh and his comment about her trying to make out with him? I'm sorry but I call bullshit.
Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason 🙂
I was in a similar situation many years ago. My ex didn't say to me that she cheated on her ex but I kinda figured it out by the way she explained things. I think she thought I would think less of her if she told me the entire truth. So I was like you I thought I'll give her the benefit and continue on with the relationship. Low and behold she ended up cheating on me with her ex BF. One someone becomes a cheater they always look for the easy way out of any situation that isn't going in the favor. So whenever their is a problem or an instance they don't get their way. They look for the exit and monkey branch to the next person by cheating. Listen to your gut and end this relationship before it turns into something you will regret.
A lot of PE and ED (my own PE included) are caused by stress and anxiety. a) working in stress with therapy, meditation, exercise is a good idea, and b) not placing stressful, unrealistic ultimatums is another one
You do have enough concrete actions to accuse him and move on you just don't want to.
This post sounds a lot like that girl who was convinced her room mate wanted her when he had a girlfriend and would cuddle the room mate when broken up with his girlfriend. Then the room mate would get jealous when they got back together. So I'm treating it like that post.
You have enough actions and are an adult. You can set boundaries if you wanted to.
At 32 this is who he is
Not you’re job to save him
you would get the idea behind mentoring and raising a kid and watch him make something out of life if you werent such a shallow judgemental 304 but alas. so, stfu and keep your moronic opinions to yourself.
I say the one who invites you out pays
I miss jump hugs. Im too old for it now. Would throw my back out.
No…..I’m definitely not waiting for an opening. I’ve had subliminal “openings” but I would never go for it, especially when it concerns a friend….I don’t care about sex.
I wish my ex had cared enough to do that. I was really convinced men who do don't exist anymore.
She even said it was important for her that they talk about this and he was like “oh, really? cool whatever” lol
Sis break up with him
Frankly, with everything in the world, his ability to change the cat box and take out the trash are pretty minor things. He loves you he’s not cheating you have a good life frankly I think that your problems are small and if you don’t marry somebody because of this good luck to you.
You are being scammed. He needs to pay you back. Do you have any proof of the loan so you can take him to small claims court?
Watches too much porn and want to experience on you. Dump him not worth keeping
That’s not a friend
Are you for real? The commenter just told you that your bf pretty much threatened you and made a conscious decision to do so, and allowed himself to hurt you in the future, which makes him abusive and scary, and you heard: “you upset him so much!” instead?
Did she talk about other topics after lefting your Christmas message on read, included you in the long discussion in the group chat etc. etc. or did she completely ignore?
Remember when you had a boundary, that you would date men that appreciated you. You didn't want to be with a man who gave you insecurities.
Where did that person go?
Why are you now willing to put up with this emotional manipulation as if his needs come first about your body?
One question, did this start soon after getting engaged? You have only been with him 18 months so he has had time to show you his real self and boy did he lie in the beginning to you about his preferences.
Also how stupid is he? Food doesn't determine your thickness or body composition, if he wants thicker girlfriend then let him go find one he is already happy with.
Be yourself 100% gloriously you, with no compromise and with someone who loves you just the way you are.
Do not accept any of his bs and let the trash take itself out.
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Really sketch. I hope they're not scheming anything outright illegal together. The sunglasses themselves seem like a harmless joke, especially if your husband has been doing well with the company or got a good bonus, but I think the other aspects you mentioned are far more damning. Even without the weirdness of this secret Santa, which I'd encourage you ask some of the other workers if it even happened, the entire relationship they've had is far from professional. This guy could drag your husband's reputation down… And worse your husband might be happy with that. Some kind of therapy is usually my solution but at this point I feel like a serious talk with your husband is in order. Have something written out, and be sure to make it clear that you're setting a boundary. Your comfort with your relationship is being put on the line, and this isn't a simple argument.
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We haven’t been able to go for several years because I online across the country. I wanted to go for her 30th but couldn’t because of covid. This isn’t a chance we get often. Even when we stayed nearby for a couples months my gf refused to go to dinner with my mother to the point where my mom straight up asked me if she didn’t like her.
I just read your update about the text exchanges with the ex coworker. That seems like the most plausible scenario to me.
Ex FWB coworker sent screenshots to your BF and said “look who's interested in some side action”, and BF stupidly believed him. In this case, I'd cut ties. He is seeing the same texts you sent to old coworker. If there's nothing there, he's a nuclear bomb of jealousy and you should be glad it exploded before the relationship was any deeper. Above and beyond the petty asshole move from the old coworker, your BF has proven that he'll disappear at the drop of a hat with no communication. What if you were pregnant? Or got sick?
Barring the spectrum of jealous BF to conniving deviant ex coworker explanations, if this behavior is actually out of left field and he's never been suspicious, jealous, demanding, limiting your friends or going out, commenting on your looks or weight, any of the common narcissistic traps that sort of slow roll as they get comfortable, I don't wonder if he was looking for a way out and is using this “opportunity” to not be the bad guy.
He got a text from ex coworker “hey I hear you're dating blah blah congrats” and he can lean into it like you were communicating behind his back, might even fabricate text messages to show his friends / family. It would be painfully obvious if he expected you to text him frantically, to beg and plead for him to come back right now. It's a form of control, and now that you've been “unfaithful”, he has the upper hand and can further manipulate you.
His behavior is inexcusable whether it's a misunderstanding or not. Fight or flee for your love, he's going to flee. Doesn't matter which of the 2 above is correct or if it's something else.
Just a different thought than a lot of these responses: maybe he's mentally not well (e.g. Depression). It sounds a lot like he made stuff up in his mind and is incapable of talking to you about it.
Maybe it's possible for you to go over to his home (please don't go alone) to check on him.
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OP, take a breath. People here are trying to help you, regardless of whether you're getting the answers you were expecting/are looking for.
What your ex is doing to you is awful, and it's not an easy situation to navigate. I've been there myself, and while I don't want to scare you, it took me years to get the pictures removed. I completely understand why you're worried and upset, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Because of this there is even more reason for you to do every single thing suggested in this thread, regardless of whether you think it will be successful. You need to pursue shutting him down aggressively.
Contacting his family, friends and network is a good way to shame most people into doing the right thing. You're absolutely right that he may get more vindictive, but you cannot let that control your actions. If you do, you will allow his manipulation and coercion to control you for as long as he wants. You absolutely NEED to expose his behavior for what it is. This is the only way you take back your power. Contact the police and find out what rights you have. Can you open a report to have a paper trail and easy documentation, in case he does decide one day to upload the images? Talk to them about your right, and your course of action. They very often have counselors and specialists that can hear your story and help you figure out what to do next. Talk to a lawyer. This is what helped me the most, by far. The threat of legal action suddenly caused my objections to be taken seriously, and my right to personal property to be acknowledged. While I am not a lawyer, I suspect one may help you draft documents and threats of legal action if he does upload the images, will be enough to make him think twice. Take care of yourself. Having the trust of a previous confidante broken so violently is a big deal – be sure you're ok, and talk to someone about this is it overwhelms you. I had periods going through this where I never thought I would ever get back to normal, and the deception, stress and cruel indifference I met before I got a lawyer, hit me extremely hard. Don't be alone with this – reach out if you need to, my dms are always open.
You'll be ok. Best of luck with everything!
Here's the thing. Life is super hard already. It's very hot enough without you forcing it to be even harder.
Having a partner in life is supposed to make things easier. You're supposed to share the load and lean on each other for support.
Some day you'll be making enough money that you can work and she can be a SAHM, the way you guys want. (I saw you say that in a comment.)
But until then, there's no need to play life on nude mode. Split the bills. Both of you need the build the life you want together. It won't get handed to you, you need to work towards it. You know the goal you both want. If you're both happy and balancing the stress, sharing the responsibility, you'll achieve that goal faster.
Start small. Start with letting her pay maybe once for every 2 times you pay. Let her take care of the internet bill and maybe car payments or something else small. That way you'll both be contributing to the life you want, and when you finally get there, you'll feel like you did it together like a true partnership.
Why not say you're willing to go but that you'll book yourself a separate room?
Ah, so there’s more going on. What you’re doing is giving her unsolicited advice on how to deal with her anxiety. So YOU are not validating HER. Google the problem with unsolicited advice to understand how doing that can be a problem. Your job as her partner isn’t to correct her feelings but validate and comfort her. It’s through validation and empowerment to act that reduces anxiety, not through correction. And here’s why this matters, if she doesn’t feel heard, understood, or validated, it’ll be harder for her to do that for others, like you. So you BOTH need to google and get better at validation. So maybe work together, google those concepts, also google emotional safety and how to increase emotional self awareness. Explore those ideas together. Hopefully it will help. Good luck.
It has been 20 years of that already she even said it in her post she started thinking about after her husband’s medical scare.
Maybe, whatever the reason, if it helps her be more inclusive, and accepting of the paths her children have chosen, it's a win.
So leave again and don't come back this time. You're the only person keeping you here.
Tell her privately that you noticed bruising and that you are concerned. Tell her that the details of their relationships is their business, but you want to make sure she is not abused.
Be aware that she may be in a consensual BDSM relationship.
Bunch of pro cop people on Reddit. If I were you I wouldn't put up that photo. I would tell my mom I'm happy to have a different photo of him up in my home. Or you could suggest a family picture, I don't have solo pi a of my siblings in my home.
COVID is an overblown threat. Stop living your life in fear.
Pervert
Thank you. Whilst this would be really helpful for me, I know his need for solitude to feel better would make this a struggle.
I'm so difficult because of my history with abuse and absolutely none of that is his fault, nor is it his responsibility to deal with.
I want to be better, for myself, but also to maintain the relationship with him that really means the world to me.
I think I need to find a way to regulate myself when we are in conflict that also allows for his needs to be met, but I'm at a loss with a healthy way to do that.
We did dry jan and he said he felt loads better and had more energy etc, but then he went straight back there at the first opportunity. I don’t think he actually thinks he has a problem though.
She’s gets to stay home and not work while also having sex with other men.
Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m at the point in life to be with a woman in her 30s. But I think a 25yo dating a 30yo is less weird than a 25yo dating a 20yo IMO.
Why is this guy texting you all night? You're out with your friends. If I was texted all night by my partner I'd be cross.
I have my OWN house and we don't online together. Take your judgment elsewhere.
He can, that would be perfectly valid.
The person I replied to said he probably won't understand her reasons. If he isn't capable of seeing that she is a whole other person in this and doesn't feel the same way about having a child now, then that's a problem.
No talk necessary, just leave him.
What is wrong with this? What's your question? My advice is that things sound perfectly fine and you don't need any
Y’all need to grow up and stop trying to control each other. Also, you need to learn how to communicate properly… clearly you both have some issues with the others habits, if you’ve already addressed them and neither of you wants to make a change, it’s time for you to decide if it’s something you can online with or not. If not, it’s time for you (or her) to leave.
She needs to take plan b.
And you may well have lost her yes. She’s probably lost all confidence that you will keep her safe sexually and not get her pregnant just because you want your own pleasure.
But how is it possessive to not care about an arbitrary boundary? Like I dont understand why he should care because I can’t picture any scenario where I would possibly care myself? It’s not possessive you are plain wrong to say that. It’s a case of caring less and having fewer boundaries, Im a narcissist because I don’t hide things from my partner? Is that what you are saying because that makes no sense to me
I was planning on meeting with a female friend for coffee.
Since you two were exclusive, I would think he would have treated you as his GF rather than just someone he was dating. You ask someone out for a date, you are responsible for the appropriate amount of effort. This man did not exhibit the proper amount of effort for a V-Day date with his GF, and treated it like just another potential “hang out and maybe we are going to have sex” opportunity. No making her feel special, or looking to connect and bond with her deeper over something the two of them would have enjoyed doing together. I really hope he didn't “agree to exclusivity”, just to get OP into bed with him.
I hope so too! Thank you!!
So…then talk to him about that.
And that's not working anymore. Your partner of nearly a decade would appreciate you putting in an effort to make the day special. You're grandstanding about a holiday that celebrates cherishing loved ones. Really?
You need to call her OB and tell them that you are concerned about her behavior. Is this aggressive behavior normal, was she like this before the baby was born?
nah it’s a weird thing to say, seems like a symptom of something else
I really appreciate it man! Thanks for saying something!
Part of me says Amy was in a bad moment and said things she'll regret. I want to help her. It's not that bad. Julia's insecurities are making it out to be worse than what it is.
I think it honestly is less about wanting you and more about wanting your life. You have a family and the happiness that she's probably chasing and feeling like she's might never get.
That said, your priority is to support your wife, which means you need much stricter boundaries with Amy at the very least.
Dropping friends off at stations / airports isn't THAT big of a deal, you do it for them they do it for you sometimes you can't for whatever reason and that's ok too. People who take it more seriously than that aren't your friends.
It will take longer than 1 month of therapy for you to change yourself to her standards. Tell her “I’ll be working on myself and I don’t want you to let yourself down by getting back together with me. So, this is it. I’m going to get myself some therapy and work on being a better person but we don’t need to get back together.”
My BF tells me I’m the most beautiful without me even asking. You deserve better and a more romantic partner. People act like being objectively honest and flirting go hand in hand.
You’re being needlessly aggressive, bye.
We do talk! We both have no idea what to do and that's why I decided to post here
Spamming just makes reddit unreadable. Knock it off.
Desperately trying not to give in to the impulse to indulge in a risky click.
>>When my boyfriend makes changes to our plans, even if it's to do important things that better himself eg playing a competitive game of his hobby that he'd forgotten about before we made plans, I get disappointed and have an awful habit of expressing this.
How often does this happen, though? My partner would be annoyed with me if I were careless & forgot a hobby date, and so then had to cancel on him? And I likewise with him. In fact, if I forgot a hobby date and had made plans with my partner in the meantime, I would very likely keep my plans with my partner. If it happens once in awhile, sure, you can be easy & give them a pass, but if it's common…? The hospital thing is slightly different, as families/hospitals should take precedence, but at the same time, he did rescind his offer to come over and made plans with you. I'm really not sure you're the entire bad guy here, OP.
>>When my boyfriend makes changes to our plans, even if it's to do important things that better himself eg playing a competitive game of his hobby that he'd forgotten about before we made plans, I get disappointed and have an awful habit of expressing this.
How often does this happen, though? My partner would be annoyed with me if I were careless & forgot a hobby date, and so then had to cancel on him? And I likewise with him. In fact, if I forgot a hobby date and had made plans with my partner in the meantime, I would very likely keep my plans with my partner. If it happens once in awhile, sure, you can be easy & give them a pass, but if it's common…? The hospital thing is slightly different, as families/hospitals should take precedence, but at the same time, he did rescind his offer to come over and made plans with you. I'm really not sure you're the entire bad guy here, OP.
Invite him over if he makes the time you’re good if he doesn’t then you know the answer ??♂️
You say you are dealing with one situation at a time. You can ask for couples counseling, but this man is trying to sabotage your career making it harder for you to leave. You can solve all your problems by leaving. Why did you start freelancing? I work in healthcare can if someone asked to see my client files for ethical reasons(towards clients) I would need to leave the living area if not the relationship immediately.
There aren’t any
What’s the odds he already was flirting with said friend beforehand? Like I don’t know if many people would jump into bed with someone who they saw as a purely platonic friend a week after separating with their long term spouse.
Trust me, if you’re going to loose your friends and family over this, their love is conditional. Let your mom disinherit you. You’re a successful woman who can take care of yourself.
Have you had your first appointment yet? Does your colleague want to go with you? If you have to block everyone from your life, then so be it. Your health and the baby’s health are the only things that matter right now. You’re baby will love you more than any of these people.
Do what YOU want.
Or anyone who values spending time with their family for that matter.
A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf, no matter how fluffy it may seem. He's got his true colors on display for you: controlling, manipulative, uncaring and irritable, and you deserve SO much better. Divorce is hard, but trust me, if you get out of this situation you'll feel infinitely better.
If I do that he gonna leave or worse he will tell everyone we both work in same office
You don’t have the right to tell anyone who they can or can’t be friends with.
Body parts smell like body parts.
Dump him
What on earth is wrong with your plumbing system that it clogs on a regular basis? Or is it his system that's out of kilter? Either way it's gross. He's idle and dirty. Couldn't online with that!
He doesn't see it as a problem because he feels like he doesn't HAVE to drink, he just does, and could stop any time he wants.
Bet him $50 that he can't go one day without alcohol.
You are taking a chance. It could be great or it could destroy your friendship.
You sound like you’re 12 years old
He sounds like a user and a taker, and one that severely lacks empathy.
Age gap is a myth, maturity and life goal gap is the real issue
You already know this guy is just dating you for personal pleasure so make a decision and leave age out of the equation
None of your concern
Just say that it didn’t go well and you’ll talk when she gets home. Tell her it can wait. Use the time to do whatever needs to be done – apply for jobs, check your finances, etc
I'm ten years older than this guy and he's an old man, in the context of pursuing women whose brains are not done developing yet.
You seem like a predator too. Unless you're OP's sockpuppet…
But didn’t the ballerina have a baby? “She sits at home, feeding her baby, she’s all alone”
No i really didn’t i just felt ready after a full year of wanting to do it.
it is extremely easy for someone to put a photo of their ex and make up whatever story they want about them.
Absolutely contact her and tell her the full truth. Make sure she understands that you did not know he was married, but, when you found out, you contacted her as soon as you could so she knew.
OP in here proving denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. I’m sad for you, so many people have tried pointing out how implausible her story is, but you just wanna believe her so badly. Makes me sad for you. I hope one day you have the self-respect to stand up for yourself.
I'm not even gonna read your post. This sounds beyond immature, that's not how grown ups resolve issues. She either learns to communicate, properly, and resolve any issues you have or you break up.
I’m a stay at home mom and don’t cook or prepare lunches for my husband as much as you do. My husband is in the trades and I’ve heard some electricians are the prima-donna of the trades.
Poor girl sounds like her self esteem is in the gutter. Might think no one will like her unless she has sex with them. Is therapy an option?
It sounds like he grew up and you are still fixated with what you had. Her proposing to him does NOT make her “desperate”.
Knowing someone for a longer period of time does not mean that you own them and that they have to prioritize you.
I don’t think what you did was unreasonable. You had tentative plans with her for 9ish, and she never cancelled on you, right? Why not just go to her if she was running behind?
If she didn’t want you to come, she should have texted: “Hey, look. We’re done trivia but we’re going to hang out for awhile. I know I said we’d hang after, but let’s do that another night. Talk to you tomorrow.”
By that point in a relationship, emotionally I would need the other person to love me back. He’s saying it could realistically be another year before he’s ready to say it?? Me, I wouldn’t be able to wait for that. I’d break up and find someone who does love me.
You really like them. ?
Cut her loose.
She's playing the field.
he’s begged me not to tell our mutual friends, so I’m isolated, and humiliated.
This is the first and most common mistake of the betrayed. Do NOT leave yourself without a support group to cover his shame. He chose this, he should online with the consequences of it.
If he was truly sorry he would own his actions, not tell you to hide them so he can pretend to be a better man than he is.
No, not that I'm aware of atleast.
????????????????????? Disappear on his ass for 24 hours. Just ghost him no contact. Come back like nothing happened. See if he thinks that is mysterious enough
Bro had sex with one woman he dated for 6 months one time? I wouldn’t consider that “banging his way through life”….
Doesn't matter. Culture is very imp. here. Some people don't, some do.
The right thing would have been to talk early into the relationship.
More like “lol look at this”
Twas fraud (op comments)
…. She's going to a club with friends, not a sex party. Her “only goal” is what she stated in her post, to have fun with her girlfriends.
Same here, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of giving gifts for Women’s Day. This isn’t a tradition. More to the point, does she reciprocate in any way? Does she ever spoil you, give you expensive gifts, take you on trips, etc? Hell, even making your favorite meal as a surprise would be great. What I’m saying is, what does she bring to the table, other than her desire to be spoiled?
Two things I took away from your story.
Your fiance doesn't have her past under control.
You shouldn't marry this person.
She is trouble with a Capital T.
You should never fight someone if you didn't hear the conversation.
let her apply for the loan. They will deny her immediately and then it’s not an issue.
Don’t talk to either of these women. Your ex, because she has already dealt with so much bullshit that she doesn’t need any of this drama. The new woman, because it sounds like you were raped and possibly lied to. Be alone. Seek counseling. It really does sound like you were sexually assaulted, for that I am so sorry. But now is the time to heal and focus on yourself.
????
She openly shared it with you.
Sorry, but I don't see any real issue here in her actions.
Maybe she’ll find a partner that will let her online rent-free and pay for her college but doesn’t ask to use her car. It’s a real possibility, chief.
You can break up with her and still be her friend. You can still support her without being her boyfriend.
Yes, I was planning on apologizing to my uncle in law cuz we were at his house. We both suggested that cuz we do struggle on finding that middle ground.
His brother died a year ago and he's hitting on his wife?!?!?
*widow
Correcting only because it's even more gross somehow – even if the “OP cheating on her husband” aspect is moot.
My father stopped going to his one source of entertainment (a seniors club) because of all the widows hitting on him once my mother died, it was really horrible how nobody seemed to think he might be mourning his late wife. He did express a need to fill the void she left but then soon found that nobody measured up to her by a long chalk, he never felt attracted to any of the widows and ended up practically a recluse because everyone was gossiping the minute he said anything to any widow.
Thank you, yeah I don't think our sex life is invalidated or anything because of this, in fact I know we have great sex and I make her cum until she has trouble thinking afterwards. I shouldnt feel insecure, but hearing that this guy is just better than me in that way really hurt for some reason
Anyway, I’ve paused further planning because this doesn’t make me feel confident in the wedding but hoping for any advice. Please be kind, this is my version of events and he isn’t on Reddit to defend his side.
That's very thoughtful of you to say, but A) I don't get the impression he's extending you the same courtesy when he complains to his family about you and B) most of the events described here aren't situations that have “sides.” Either he's helping with the planning or he isn't, and he isn't. Either you want the ceremony or you don't, and he does and you don't. Etc, etc.
Honestly I'm hard pressed to figure out why you want to marry this guy if this situation is a microcosm of your relationship, and given some of the things you've said it seems like it is. For instance:
We’ve been together for close to 8 years and this is his MO to default work to me.
So for 8 years when he wants something he expects you to do all the work for it. You don't seem surprised by any of his other bad behavior here either, like when he dominates the guest list but is too lazy to provide contact information to you, or when he doesn't lift a finger to help but blames you when his family says this is moving too slowly, or when you want his input and he acts like it's a burden, or when you have a disagreement where he is CLEARLY in the wrong and instead of talking it out he just gives you the silent treatment.
None of this seems to surprise you, which leads me to think that none of this is new behavior. So why exactly do you want to marry this guy? Is it just a sunk cost fallacy because you've been together for 8 years and you feel like you might as well?
If you own the house, serve him a 30 day notice to vacate. If you're renting, your best bet is just to find a new place to online if you want to avoid drama. Otherwise, you'll have to confront him and tell him you no longer want to be in a relationship because relationships are supposed to be a partnership, not a babysitting job. Let him know you want him to leave by such and such date. For your safety, have a friend or family member with you or waiting within earshot. Good luck
I guess it depends on what you want. If she loves you and respects you then waiting till you feel good about it shouldn’t be an issue.
I’m in the camp that marriage is a really really old outdated contract that does not benefit you the man at all.
So I’m biased. But I would say if she doesn’t think you’ll be around when you’re ready this is just a taste of what’s to come when she wants something you get the pressure then you have the marriage contract looming if she isn’t happy she leaves with half your shit that you worked your ass off to get.
I’ll prob get beat up for this comment but someone has to say it. Good luck young brother. Look out and keep frosty
This isn’t going to end well. What about when you have kids and she tells your son to suck it up and stop crying?
Please don’t move forward with this. She will not see you as a man if you aren’t always 100% on your game and when depression hits and life’s hardships, she is going make you feel worse and like you aren’t a man.
She has no empathy and that isn’t something that can just be told how to get or made to understand.
Dude, just make your move earlier instead of waiting until bedtime
She’s hiding something and projecting onto you.
1.) you emotionally cheated on your gf by flirting with a gay man you have no interest in
2.) you met up with a gay man you have no interest in
3.) you’re too much of a pussy to tell him to leave you alone in spite of leading him on
4.) you enjoy “male attention” when you know you should leave people alone and mind your own business
You deserve this lmao. You’re the villain in this guy and your girl’s story. I hope for his sake that he leaves you alone, but honestly don’t be surprised when people show interest when you lead them on.
They are paying. Which is why i understand them being upset with his grades but their punishments for such is unreasonable. I agree that he needs to advocate for himself and i have told him so in the past but i think that is very hard for him and he is scared of his parents. I feel he needs to speak up, and get a job so he can get away, i just know it’s much easier said than done.
Supposedly he is saving for a ring, but it's not likely he'll marry you any sooner. I understand why this stings. I'm really sorry you are in this bad place. Wishing you good outcomes all around.
That’s what I thought. Thank you for your reply.
Oh I’m sorry, was your degree from Prince Andrew’s School for Wayward Girls?
Can you get therapy on your own without her knowing? Because you are going to need help learning how to navigate life after growing up with a really controlling mom. It may be coming from a place of love and anxiety from her, but it is damaging not to learn at appropriate developmental ages that you are capable of handling things on your own.
The good news is you can learn to handle things on your own, and you can learn how to give your mom boundaries. While you are under her roof, I would not get hung up on the curfew right now so much as admit the bigger picture: your mom created a dependent daughter so she could keep you under her control. That is unhealthy. Your overall goal is to teach yourself independence–– it is to move out of your mom's home and online a healthy life with good boundaries with her.
I know that's what's been so shocking for me too. Lunch was just a way for me trying to get him to talk to me.
Is he bored? Does he work? If he’s at home all day then he needs to get out of the house and find a hobby or a job.
He’s got too much time on his hands and it’s manifesting in him being needy and wanting constant attention from you.
Currently we can’t but we’re working towards that.
Currently we can’t but we’re working towards that.
Currently we can’t but we’re working towards that.
Da.n dude what do you do for a living? You almost sound like a lawyer or some sort of business negotiator.
You don't need to “understand” shit! How dare he complain abot what you did whilst single.
You were not disloyal. He is a liar who was living with his WIFE whilst dating you.
Why are you still sleeping with this asshole and trying to prove yourself when he is the only person who has done wrong?
Are you sure she's an ex? That's not the norm
I believe being polite to visitors and not sulking right in front of them has been in existence much longer than 25 years
I don't think having this opinion is wrong but saying it is wrong.
Of course you are being affected by her changes but she's the one actually going through it.
My question is, did she bring any of this up to you or are these your own observations? I ask because it could be depression as much as anything else. Gaining weight can kill self esteem and I can imagine it feels uncontrollable once you start getting fatter.
Definitely ask her if everything is okay.
Not many people know this but traditionally mother of bride and MIL are the only people allowed to wear white other than the bride in the weddings… so it may be a genuine mistake and she may believe this outdated view?! Just tell her you would rather no one wears white. Actually better yet, your partner needs to do it. He can make it an ‘WE would rather no one else wore white’ and make it about any guest rather than her specifically.
I would say though, do you really care?!
???? yes, thank you. This is such a perfect example.
So wearing a certain, particular colored garment to a wedding would be grounds to cut someone out of a family?
That family wouldn’t be one I would want to be in in the first place then…
This all sounds so petty. Don’t you have anything else to worry about than the color of a dress?
You work full time she works part time and you are married. If anyone thinks for a second that the financial meams aren't coming from you then that's a stupidity problem, not a you problem.
Anyone who has had a real job knows how money works.
That's wild. Is it completely open? I'd probably get jelly if I was either one of you.
Just be friends with benefits at that point. That could include the tax benefits from the marriage. I've yet to see successful polygamy. Kinda… Backing that up here.
Same! If this is a true story, this is absolutely terrifying. Literally stalking him, forcing him to cut his hair, etc. It's the perfect setup to one of those stories on ID. Holy shit.
Very true. Hopefully she will be embarrassed and might offer you more of what she meant
One thing you need to understand is that women rarely just “settle”. She cares for you so much that she opted to have children with you, which will bind her to you in some way for a very long time.
If sex was unsatisfactory, she probably would have walked away. Obviously we don't know if you're the biggest or best, but you're the one she feels is perfect for her.
Take that win and run with it.
I had a BF do this to me, I told him if it happens again I'm leaving. His father arrived, I moved right out. The BF actually thought I was moving out just to make room for his father and that I would be back once he'd gone back home, and he was devastated when I didn't.
Talk to a therapist to reset.
Yea, 100? Lol
Yea, 100? Lol
His son and I are confident he has not considered it because his ex has two other sons who are both on the spectrum as well. But it may just be she has a type, rather than carrying the gene herself. She actually expressed to my step son a while ago on one of his visits home that she had internally speculated if my partner had autism but never actually brought it up to him.
Ya, this is an orange flag.
Bro sit down and take your L
She lied about having sex with the dude in order to give u a reason to leave her yet begging u to come back and then told u how she bravely pushed aside horny hubby as she was going at it with the wife….. wtf kind of nonsense is she spilling, to all the people out their in stable relationships count your blessings
Do you know how long before your Visa is processed? You need to get away from him ASAP. This is all the classic red flags and he's likely to baby trap you, if he hasn't already.
That's a great plan. But concerts are often alcohol based. And you don't interact with each other.
You will get over this boy, but in order to do so you can not keep him in your life. Distance and time is all. Be sad be angry feel whatever you need to feel but he needs to go. His actions weren’t acceptable or excusable.
Not the same but is almost like baby trapping but STD trapping instead. She knew she had it, she has an obligation to disclose it and didn’t it. Was it intentional? Maybe because if you get it too, you’d be more likely to stay with her because of the fear of not being able to find someone else who might be willing to except you have it. I would run for the hills. If she kept this a secret, what other secrets is she keeping?
Frankly, you were lucky she put up with your shot as long as she did. Good for her for kicking you to the curb.
There is a saying when it comes to poker:
Never play poker using borrowed money.
So, you taking her 3 K and blasting it. Yeah, no shit she never wants to see you sit down at the tables again.
She broke up with you. Let her leave in peace.
I mean, not to disagree, but I feel if someone dressed up in sexy clothes and makeup and suggested a “nap” I'd know exactly what they were after but maybe that's just me?
Full disclosure that I’m not married, but “is faithful and helps with the kids” is not an exceptional husband and father, that’s baseline. He’s not extraordinary because other husbands are worse.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to leave because it’s not working. And you shouldn’t be held hostage to staying with a spouse because you think they’ll retaliate if you leave (like becoming a crappy co parent again)
He is within his rights to not take no for an answer, he doesn't have to marry her.
Why will her sisters, boyfriends, roommate always be a part of your lives?
Finally I am free. Thanks for your words.
Nope