My (24F) best friend (25F) of ten years told me she regrets talking me out of suicide and that she never actually cared if I would have done it.

So basically, my friend told me she regrets talking to me out of suicide in the past. She says it was a depressing burden and that she "honestly didn't give a sh**." She told me she didn't care if I died. I feel so horrible now.

This was someone I had been friends with for ten years. The story goes like this, a couple weeks ago she told me she was strapped for cash. Couldn't afford groceries. Family was behind on bills. Hungry. Needed help and had nowhere to turn. Now, her house is bigger than mine and she has "forgotten her card at dinner" before but as someone who knows people who genuinely have struggled with poverty and hunger my heart broke hearing this. My mom had an abundance of extra food and was very happy for me to bring my friend groceries. Always has encouraged me to give, and I thought she'd be proud of me for doing so to show my Mom she taught me right as a kid. Like I said, my mom grew up always being hungry and dirt poor- so she always is willing to give others food. Hates seeing anyone struggle for it. She helped me pack my car full of things for my friend's family, since after offering my friend food she had said yes please.

Brought her over hundreds of dollars worth of fresh food, including Basmati rice (25 lb bag), garlic, packet mashed potatoes, cereal, peanut butter, frozen chicken, salmon, shrimp, and dog food and treats that my dog didn't like. Most of the food was from Costco, and things that were good quality and that we just had an excess of in closed packages. Dates all good, we checked every single one and all of it was from the past two weeks (my mom gets free food from her work sometimes).

When I brought her stuff honestly the vibe was off. I complimented my friends pretty backsplash and she said, "we just got it installed last week," which sounded really pricy to me considering she'd essentially told me she couldn't afford any food to eat. But I said nothing, played with her dog, helped her put the food away. I kept saying I really wanted to hang out, said does she wanna get coffee this week or come over. Maybe binge watch tv and eat snacks. Or come to the waterpark with me in a few weeks since I have a weekend trip coming and would love for her to come along (she knew this wouldn't be a financial constraint since it is already paid for) and simply I just want to spend time with my friend.

She ignored me for days after. She had mentioned to me that her girlfriend (who had cheated on her but who also helps pay her bills and buys her many nice dinners and gifts) had wanted to get back together and I had wished her luck. I realized now that once her and her gf were together she probably would not talk to me as much, since now she has someone who can give her more luxurious things I guess.

A few days later, she messages me to let me know she needs some space, is going through a lot and needs to be alone, and will talk to me soon. Four days later (today) she reaches out, however I guess she forgot that she'd told me she needed to be alone since for days all she has posted is photos on Facebook and Tiktoks of her and her other friends having a good time. Just not me. She asked if she was mad at me since I had said I didn't know what to say (since she has been ignoring me for 2 weeks basically since I went to her house). When she asked if I was mad I was honest and used all true, but zero mean words. I said I felt like a backup friend, and that I feel like I value our friendship more than she does. I feel ignored and that when she has other good things going whether it's in her jobs or relationships that she dumps me, and only wants to reach out when she is depressed or lonely and has nobody to talk to. And that it hurts my feelings that she is never willing to make time for me to actually hang out (since I wouldn't consider me driving groceries to your house exactly a hangout, but I didn't mention that at all).

After this, instead of maybe just acknowledging my hurt feelings or saying she didn't mean to ignore me, she sent me a very long message full of insults. It was so long. Some of these included things that I talk too much and annoy her, that she preferred my old personality (when I was severely anorexic at 70 lbs with no energy l- I'm talking hospitalized with a feeding tube and organ failure, because I was less energetic and annoying, and now I'm 'too much' for her), I am an unenjoyable and horrible person, her heart is shattered so she has no time for me, she works more hours than I do because I am entitled and lazy, I'm miserable and she never cared about my eating disorder because it's stupid as hell, and that I am a mistake of a human being. At one point in all this she says she regrets a time where she talked me out of committing suicide, because she actually didn't care.

For reference I have had my ED since before I met her, met her right after I was in foster care and experienced sexual assault, and am finally out of college, working, and in recovery. I can't believe she basically told me she never cared if I was dead. I am so disgusted and so hurt.

After this I let her know that she could play the victim all she wants to her friends, and that I personally will never regret the things I've done with and for her (being her escape person to help her plan when she was in a domestic violence situation and literally needed to run away out of her old home with nothing). I will always want her to be safe and would never wish her to be dead no matter how angry I was at her. I also made it very clear to her that I believe she is cruel and unkind and that she is never ever welcomed to speak to me again.

Now it's late at night and I can't sleep. I'm so sad that someone who I spoke to everyday for ten years had so many mean words for me. This isn't the first time she's said mean things to me, but as a friend I always forgave. I feel so tainted and like I can't ever trust a person now. She said some of the cruelest things imaginable to me. I just need advice. I can't stop thinking about this, it's so hurtful.

Sorry this is so long. I needed to let it out.