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Maybe she doesn’t she you as a long term relationship?
What if you ever talk to her brother and find out you were invited?
Simplest version: you are talking to an 18 year old.
Don’t go to him at all. His hormones are fucking him up all over in general. Typical teenager plus a difficult transition.
But don’t cut him off. Just be VERY clear and polite that you don’t want to get locked in emotional escalation – that you will hang back, and quietly support your ADULT son, independently learning about his transition via books/a trans friendly therapist/whatever ON YOUR OWN. In addition, you will ALWAYS be there for him as a parent, as his mother.
Give him space. And shelter. But don’t force either.
That’s also going to be really rough on you, but guess what? Children are not FOR us, we are for THEM. Your job making sure he lives to adulthood is complete. Now is the time not to cling, but to explore your own growth and evolution, while keeping the hearth fires burning when your kid inevitably takes a few on the chin from life and needs a good old fashioned hug.
But… you may have to give it a while. And you definitely can’t be the central player in the family drama. Stop trying to solve the problem, or control the situation. Just acknowledge that you can do neither, and see what options are left to you that sound appealing.
At 51 you’re still young. Given all that’s happened, think very hot about where you’d like your marriage to go next, if anywhere. You’re clearly not on the same page with your son, and if there’s no path there (again, therapy can work wonders here), then completing your relationship IS another path of success you can use to start moving towards the next thing.
Also, fwiw, when you read answers here to your question, check the ages. The responses are going to have heavy generational influence, and especially younger respondents just won’t be able to “see it through your eyes”. Try not to take any of it personally, but do sift out the nuggets of wisdom seeded throughout.
I hate to tell you this, but since you’re dating you have to really consider it. That sex is an important component in a relationship. It is 10% of the relationship but when it goes bad it’s 90% of the reason why. To find this out while you’re dating is an important thing because this is the person if you choose to you will be with throughout life. Imagine this is your sex life. It will get worse by the way you’re still in kind of a honeymoon phase. He clearlyhas no libido. It may be because of the medication it may be that that’s his style but if you guys can’t find a way to do some counseling around, this will and work it out it will be the end of your relationship. You won’t be able to do it. I couldn’t do it.