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So, in the lesbian community we often refer to a person who primarily wants to give (instead of receiving) as being “stone” or “stone butch”. This is really common thing, actually, much the same way gay men might be top or bottom (or verse). If you want to understand her better, maybe look up lesbian forums where this is discussed and read about it? Even if you're bi, I'm sure you'll find your experiences reflected there. That way, when you ask her about it next time, she will feel more understood.
99 out of 100 don't matter – we are talking about OPs BF.
Is their any proof OPs BF has been abusive to his ex? Their ages alone don't signal any abuses.
Also contrary to your belief, most 19 year Olds are very capable at being functional adults.
I'm surprised they don't need to be there while you guys do the deed. Just trying to lighten the mood sorry for humor lol
It’s been three years since this happened? And now you want to apologize?what’s wrong with is picture?
That’s amazing advice and really helps me change my perspective here! Thank you ?
Yeah it is a tough one. She definitely knows that she could get me back pretty easily. She even said “I always thought it was me and you that would work out together” which I interpreted as “I always knew you'd come back” or something along those lines.
I'm happy with Girl B, very happy. Everything was perfectly fine before I got the letter/went to see her. And yeah I agree that Girl B is taking everything very well, like I said she's great and I wouldn't want to put her through any more pain than she's already been through.
I think what you said about overthinking with the “what if's” is definitely something that's happening, indeed the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Agreed
I'm sorry this happened and your trust was broken. However, it was only a kiss and she feels guilty and told you about it. Take this as a sign that she has regret and wants to move past this and earn your trust back
Exactly, OP you work on cars and from the sound of it you enjoy it. How mechanically inclined is she that she knows a jumper battery is not the best thing for what you do?
I’m glad it was helpful! I’m glad you mentioned things like the baby shower etc because I was actually going to make a second comment discussing those exact things. There are so many rituals around new motherhood that our society celebrates, and teenage mothers are deprived of virtually all of them due to the stigma of being a teen mother. To see your son and his wife get to have those probably brings up some incredibly complicated feelings for her, and so much pain. Even things like being able to take maternity leave would not have been an option for her; she (and you) would have spent time just surviving during a time that many people spend celebrating. That’s a very very hot pill to swallow. Especially if now it’s come up in such an extreme way, you’ve kind of had to shut it down immediately – I think that’s why she’s acting out so much. There’s a wound there that needs comfort and soothing, and she hasn’t received those things because she’s brought it up in such a messy, convoluted way under the banner of “I want another baby”.
In terms of actually speaking to her, don’t be afraid to have things written down! You can even just tell her that you’ve thought really carefully about what you want to say and want to make sure you don’t forget your words. You could also open with a loving gesture, like cooking her favourite meal or buying her flowers to make her feel extra loved before this difficult conversation.
A final suggestion I would make – which I think you can raise down the track – is to think of some ways you can celebrate your wife as a wonderful mother even though her child is now a grown man. For instance, you could book a family photo shoot for just her and your son – or even all of you, including your new grandchild. You could arrange a party or special dinner in her honour to celebrate 25 years of motherhood – since she never got to have a baby shower (though I’d check carefully with her around this as she may not be a fan of the idea). You could surprise her with an album you put together of photos of her and your son over the years; compile them into a beautiful book, add little mementos like Mother’s Day cards he made for her, things like that. You could even plan a holiday to a destination she’s always wanted to visit to honour her for all the naked work she’s done over the years to be a great parent. The point is, she missed out when she was young, and while she can never get those experiences back, there are still many ways to show her how much you treasure her as the mother of your child – and much to celebrate! It’s not about artificially creating “new motherhood” milestones as a substitute, but rather looking at the authentic sources of joy and celebration from the last 25 years and honouring those in a way that’s meaningful to her.
I don’t think she really, truly wants another baby. I think she wants a do-over on being a new mother. I think she wants her grief and complicated feelings to be truly witnessed, acknowledged and held in compassion. It may feel especially naked for her to express those feelings if you are not having any conflicted feelings around your choices – it sounds like you’re very happy to be done with early parenthood, so she may feel lonely in her grief. And the wound of those feelings may never completely stop hurting – it may come up again and again for the rest of your lives. But it doesn’t have to be this destructive, divisive thing that tears at your marriage; it can be a chance to reconnect and bear witness to the most vulnerable parts of the person you love most. A therapist can almost certainly help you develop skills and techniques for providing emotional validation to your wife when these feelings come up; it’s definitely a skillset one can learn. That might even be a good way to get your foot in the door with her regarding therapy – that you want to learn how you can hold space for all these complicated emotions she’s dealing with, because you feel like you’re letting her down and you don’t want her to go through this alone.
This is tough, but I think you two can get through this.
Bro I was the same way about 10 years ago. Met a good girlthat was too good for me at the time. She got blackout drunk during our talkin phase and slept with someone. She tried to break it off out of embarrassment but I thought I was mature enough to work through it. We dated for 2 years.
When she broke it off, it was implied that I was making the relationship too naked and I was making her miserable. I thought we were good.
As I kept trying to win her back, I thought to myself was I not good enough? So I kept improving myself for her.
Then when I finally had the epiphany of it's not only me it was the both of us, I saw all the shit I did wrong in that relationship. Insecurities, emotional resentment, childish outbursts, lack of communication, all that shit. I tried to win her back so many times (til this day were still friends).
But the end result of my growth was I also recognized that while she is my dream girl, maybe that dream is just a dream and it's no good for me.
Eventually I found my wife who at first I had to peel layers of walls back (even thought to myself this is so hard is it even worth it?) and found that I was wrong. My ex wasn't my dream girl. This one in front of me is everything I could ask for without even knowing it.
Recognizing your own feelings and emotions will make things much easier for your partner. You will see that your responses will be different. How you handle arguments will be different. How you apologize will be different.
Then your partner will eventually see it too bc then being with you won't be so difficult.
Remember, it's suppose to be easy with a few difficult moments (not the other way around).
This is what I meant by asking how was it, meaning fishing for compliments.
I had a friend like that. Every time she cooked she would always ask this, then ask two or three times more, then brag how every time she cooks everyone just loves it, or everyone prefers her cooking over anyone else, or everyone begged her to cook etc
If someone else cooked something, she would say I don't this way and add this to it and it taste so much better
Or she would get upset if someone complimented something someone else made over her food. It was like she had to be the best.
If you feel unsafe in the house, leave. Call a friend or family member for help.
Seems like the creepy behavior runs in the family. Consider all the reasons a grown man in his 20s would be interested in a teenager.
Ok. So you’ve got two choices.
The one with the least drama is break up.
But if for some reason you want to try to salvage this, you still need to put your foot down.
Tell her you know she lied and she’s got one chance to come clean. Why did she lie to you? Why did she not invite you to this party when you know you were? Did she hook up with anyone that night? Has she been hooking up with anyone else since you’ve been together. Repeat that she’s got one chance to come clean. If she lies, it’s over.
If she convinces you that she’s told you everything, and hasn’t been cheating, then tell her that’s her last pass, and if you catch her in another lie it ends there and then.
But, as I first wrote, the least drama is just to break up now.
I mean… it's a very, very common scenario that a man has a wife, who takes care of his needs at home, and a mistress outside of the house. Right? It's in movies and songs and everywhere in pop-culture? Right?? Did I dream that?
Isn't this like the stereotypical profile of a cheater? I't surprised you are surprised. It's like, the most well-known cheating scenario in existence. He wants a wife and mistresses…. That's how he wants to on-line his life. You know, like MOST cheaters??
I'm confused by the question. Are you asking why are some people like this? They want the safety and social capital from a relationship, but also sexy exciting hard women outside of it for hedonistic reasons, I would assume. Most of them don't want to lose the wife, because the role of the wife is different than the role of a mistress. She satisfies a different need.
I agree with the other commenter. My mom is just like this, spent my whole life criticizing her body, saying how much she hates her thighs, how she's ugly, how she can't wear anything nice, how she used to be so thin as a kid and now she's so fat, always on a diet to fix her weight.
The result: I, who grew into the same body shape during puberty, fucking hated my body. I was disgusted by it. Limited my calorie intake all through my teenage years. I would skip meals in college since no one was watching me. I hated wearing anything tight because others would “be judging me” for how “ugly and overweight” I was. I decided never to get pregnant because that hormonal change is what changed my mom.
I'm doing way, way better now but fuck if it isn't still a major reason I hate myself 15 years later.
Please make sure to protect your kid from this. If a parent constantly criticizes anything that's normal, not even specifically relating to their kid, it forms a big part of their worldview and starts to have major impacts on how they see themselves.
Good luck OP, and kudos to your mom for the fantastic improvement!
You felt it more than he did. You may have scared him off so to speak. But if they were really into you and it was a fit it would be different. All I. The the fact he can't talk with you about what he's feelings says a lot itself. Do you want to have to pull things out of someone ?
Man you are in for a world of heartbreak
Honestly, yeah I’m with your partner on this one. Sure it’s fun to flirt, but I flirt with my husband not random people. She’s literally flirting to get tips. It sucks that that’s what it takes to get tips, but it is. She’s working. It’s not actually fun to flirt with drunk guys you’re not interested in, it’s actually way more cringey and unpleasant than you think.
Did you get proof or admission?
You just broke up on January 1st. It hasn’t even been a month yet. You say you’re doing this for you, and not for her, but honestly I find that naked to believe and I’m sure she would too. You need to give it time – a lot of time, to prove that the changes you’re making are actually real and long-term.
You are doing to find and feel just how little she loves you if you choose option 2. This is monkey branching. Never be someone’s second choice. You will never be a priority for her going forward and she will always prioritize him over you.
Your values don't align. This is a fundamental problem that you're unlikely to overcome. Stop wasting each other's time and find someone who has the same values as you.
Love it
You both are good people. Maybe you should ask him for a lunch or dinner (without you son being there) and just come clean and apologize to him. Ask him for his fortunes first. You then tell him what you have been feeling and ask him if he would reconsider seeing you again. Let him process and don’t bombarded him with questions or if he make his decision and etc. let him have his time and he does feel the same way as you, I’m very sure he will tell you. Baby step. I have a feeling he is still in love with you. Please be kind to this gentleman. He deserves the world. And yes, your parents need to apologize to him. A good person is naked to find. And your parents aren’t it.
If they can’t afford therapy, how will they afford a divorce?
Thank you for your comment, the other reply on my post has a lengthy reply explaining some details, I can repost it to you or if you'd rather read it off that comment you can 🙂
Another thing would be to not try and blame your parents completely. You have to take accountability because at the end of the day, this was your life and your decision and you listened to people outside your marriage instead of just your ex.
Another thing would be to not try and blame your parents completely. You have to take accountability because at the end of the day, this was your life and your decision and you listened to people outside your marriage instead of just your ex.
Kick her to the curb. That's was the agreement. Come on, man.
You won’t ever go back to where you were. The guy you had before was the guy who was trying to hook you. The guy you have now is who he really is.
You may have loved the guy that hooked you, but you don’t love the guy you’re with now. He’s abusive, and you need to go.
Go back home. Leaving him is the only option.
Even younger drunk me would not sleep with someone if they told me crap like that. That is disgusting!
I think you should leave
Is this the same wife you wanted to leave 2 years ago or did you get married to someone else?
How is this relevant?
There's an idea I came across in spiritual writing that having sex with someone yields a powerful emotional bond that lasts forever, it's one of the reasons behind purity in christian religion. Personally I've noticed that I can't really erase my love for the people I've been with for a long time, I don't know whether to believe what they say but it's there just the same.
It's not really her fault in my eyes but it's pretty brutal if she doesn't care about your feelings afterwards.
Something only counts as a “lie by omission” if you have a reasonable expectation of disclosure. That someone had a sexual relationship with your friend is a reasonable expectation. The exact details of what base they got to is, I think, not by default expected if you don’t ask for it.
She said “they didn’t have sex” and, while yes oral sex is sex, very commonly among straight people “sex” is used as a synonym for penetration, and it was communicated and understood in this way by OP.
You are letting this man traumatize your son. I resent my mom now for letting my dad do the same to me.
Maybe I'm worried for nothing 😀 it doesn't help that the small expensive item came in a flimsy plastic box, I expected better ?
Yup, that’s it.
Yeah he sounds like a problem. I don’t know what his deal is. Maybe he’s not finding someone as quick as he thought he would. Maybe he sincerely feels bad for how it ended. None of it is your concern though, and if you’re not in a position to forgive and forget, then you don’t need to put up with his BS.
I’d encourage you to unfollow him and block his number. I’d also leave the photo album. Right now he’s trying to feel better about something by starting a dialogue with you. I don’t know what he needs to feel better about. It’s not important. What is important is you being able to move on.
Thanks so much for your time.
Wow, you can do way better than this guy. Dump.
Just lie to your dad until you no longer need him financially then go no contact because he’s an ass
Break up with him, Op.
Absolutely not true. I was not diagnosed with autism until I was literally 28 years old and prior to that I never discussed sensory issues with anyone but my husband (who also has them).
Also speaking as an autistic/ADHD person, I’m much better in a crisis than in a mundane situation lol. Makes sense when you consider that medication that stimulates the sympathetic nervous system is the main standard of treatment for ADHD!
Yeah, buddy needs a TLDR because I don’t have it in me lol
Hey, he doesn't get what's bothering you because you seem to be having trouble explaining it. Or at least I'm perceiving it that way. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Option 1: You believe that he is overly sexualizing you and you would like to spend time with him without being seen as a sexual object. This is somewhat how you've explained it to him. You can't quite tell him to stop being attracted to you. How do you set a proper boundary here? Well, you can't. This is an impossible task. Likely leading to breakup. Not a bad thing if your issue is the level of attraction he feels for you.
Option 2: Rather than this being about his attraction to you, this is about touch. This is a much easier thing to set boundaries on. If this is the case, then you set physical boundaries and make it known when and how you want to be touched. It sounds like you were tired from work – I have low tolerance for touch then as well. That's when you set a physical boundary: You tell you boyfriend that you don't want to be touched, how, and for how long. This may be a matter of sitting on the other end of the couch, or a matter of cuddling together but letting him know that he can't touch the places that you don't want him to touch. This gives him a practical set of boundaries that he can work with and he knows that you're still attracted to him.
I feel like it sounds like you're trying to communicate option 2, but you've communicated option 1 because you don't quite have the language or tools for it. Again, please correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a skill that needs to be developed.
You only know by taking the chance and being mindful of words and actions aligning consistently, and with time, you'll find trust again. It's an effort in both parts because he's gotta be sure he's being genuine, and you gotta be sure you aren't living in the past resentments. It's like starting fresh in a sense, going back to getting each other out again but with more communication and applying what y'all learned from before. Good luck to y'all. Relationships are naked.
Simple. If he wants to protect your relationship and marriage, he needs to cut the friend off completely
Believe it or not, it’s a huge deal to unwind a life you built with someone over 13 yeSrs, including multiple children and a home.
Your post sounds a lot like when my fiance and I first started out. A country boy who was homeschooled til college, an overbearing mother who treats him like a husband she birthed but that she really just tolerates, father long time divorced, and not wanting to leave. Like in your situation, his mom also started out nice acting, then my cat gets loose and she was behind it. Never took responsibility and never apologized. Never really acknowledged my presence unless we absolutely had to communicate like when I helped her sell a van and we had to drive back together. They'd always fight over something seemingly out of nowhere. I hated it, never felt comfortable living there after the cat incident, and was pushed more and more toward that feeling the more we disagreed or the more fights I'd hear. She had two of her kids there, one being him and the other his younger sibling, yet whenever she wanted something or other, she always went to him. Home from work (where they worked together) and it's naked outside? Well I'm gonna need you to go out there til whatever o clock to work the fields for me. Got it done but not in a specific way that I didn't say aloud? Fuck you we're fighting now, and so so many more issues that could be mentioned if there wasn't a word count. The only thing that got his head out of his ass was having to make a choice for college. Which he explicitly told me, told me if it weren't for college we wouldn't have moved. After the move things got better, he finally saw the treatment for what it was. Hopefully yours does too, but he most likely won't. Run.
That is a friend. You found a female friend. They exist. Please don’t date someone you’re not attracted to. Please don’t date anyone you’re not 100% about. Like I already feel bad for her already. Let someone who finds her attractive have her.
All this being said, I’m demisexual and attracted to literally no one until I observe them or get to know them emotionally. Getting to know someone is the only way I ever become attracted to anyone. And the attraction doesn’t follow any logic. No body types, sex doesn’t even matter. They become irresistible to me. But I wouldn’t start dating them until the attraction kicked in. I wouldn’t start one assuming attraction would just happen.
You’ve only been together a few months, you’ve been clear about what you’re looking for from him, he’s unable to clearly communicate or resolve issues, and you’re worried the relationship is bad for your mental health. It’s time to end it. Dating is to find people you’re compatible with, and it’s not this guy.
For your height you should probably be closer to 175.
At 5'10″, that would place him in the overweight category unless you're assuming that 175 is lean. Many first world countries are fatter than ever so this advice definitely doesn't reflect reality or medicine. Is body building shaming the man's version of thigh gap shaming?