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This sounds like abuse.
Consult a lawyer, look at how best to evict your boyfriend and maybe even get a restraining order.
this is absolutely the best comment here. please stay safe, OP
it's not my place to say anything about what you two are comfortable with or not but i do feel like you should have more trust in your boyfriend. what do you think could happen behind closed doors with his sister?
Have you blocked that number? Because that's the first thing I would've done if a random number was asking if I was “down to pipe”
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He has a lot of really great qualities so I can’t help but to think that he will be happy with this woman because he knows how to be good. It seems he’s wanted to be with her this whole time and now they have everything they want together and that he just used me but he put on a really good show. It was the best relationship I’ve ever been in, I thought. Until I found out about the lies. The one thing about him that made it difficult was his lack of empathy.
Whaaaaa. Does he know how genetics work? My biological dad had brown eyes, mom hazel, and I wound up with blue. ??♀️ recessive genes are fun.
Imagine being in an almost sexless relationship for years. Op is a bad person for not breaking up long ago
Steps to take:
your husband may need therapy. He was SA'd. Ask your husband how HE wants to deal with this. Does he want to tell friend group? Tell him that you don't think you can ever talk civilly to this ex-friend, but ask your husband if he wants to remain friends with him. Make sure that your husband has your full support, and he gets to decide how he wants to hand this.
What did he really mean by 'feminine lesbian'?
People can breakup for whatever reason they want. You having a whole other sexuality is a big factor to consider. Some people just arent comfortable being with someone with a more fluid sexuality because of the fear that their partner will later ask to be with someone of the other gender or even leave them for the other.
I dont think you should try to get back with him. You two are fundamentally incompatible. You should move on.
Yeah I don't get some of the comments either. The GF might be materialistic, we don't know, but OP also sounds like a dud and like the GF is begging for scraps. No dates, no gifts, no romance, nothing to make her feel special, OP “puts himself first” (which you have to, but not ALL THE TIME) and then says “are you really crying about gifts, I pay the bills”.
WUT?!?!
Thank you, this is super duper helpful! I think acknowledging it honestly would help. Validating my feelings and deciding how to navigate it together for the health of our relationship, right? It just seems like he can be so emotionally unavailable when it comes to things like this that he may never want to fess up to it, and I don’t know how to create an environment for him where he feels like he can. I think the guilt of me then knowing and seeing them working together every day might eat at him.
A guy sleeping with you and then not getting with you has little to do with attraction.
Im not even sure what your point about the pictures are. Sounds like thin phobia to me.
You know, you can see yourself as beautiful, graceful and a mother without needing to show off your body which I’m sure you do because “I still want to be young and very hot too!”
Get your head out of your ass and if you really want your daughter to love you, have you considered therapy for the both of you at all during her adolescence or when she was a teenager? Or did you not care enough because life revolved around you and what you wanted because she was just acting like a typical “teenager” ?
People are accusing you of being a narcissist because of the story you paint with just mentioning how beautiful you are and how insecure your daughter is. You’re not “happy” for her when she left to college and found herself, you’re relieved that you can’t hide your young body anymore and keep getting hit on by men.
I have a narcissistic MIL just like you and after she slept with my SOs friend, she just expected everything to go back to normal while she was still getting sick pics from her sons friends who by the way, she shouldn’t have had that kind of relationship with in the first place.
If you’re not a narcissist, why get defensive? Why not actually attend therapy and tell the truth about how you are and how you’ve been with your daughter. What kind of clothes do you wear around her, how do you look at men at bars? How do you act when you’re out with your daughter?
Where is the insight, honey? Why get defensive about being accused as being a narcissist? Is it because perhaps someone else has suspected you of being just that and you’re upset to believe you could just be a awful mother to your daughter or god forbid, an awful person in general?
I swear to god if you so much as think that if you flaunt your bullshit good looks (show your legs, ass, and tits) on your daughters fiancés family, it’s definitely over for you developing any relationship with her.
People like you deserve the loneliness of having your own child abandon you not because she’s insecure, but because YOU ARENT THE MOTHER YOU CLAIM TO BE.
Of course fiancés family would be chippy with you. They just fucking met you. You’re not proving anything by saying how fun it was for you and fiancés family becuase it’s the first time they met you.
Tone down your need for attention and realize a special day could be about your daughter and not you needing to wear the tightest dress, the sparkly dress, the shortest dress, or the low cleavage dress.
If you want to continue to flaunt yourself over having a relationship with your daughter, by all means keep up the narcissism. Because that’s what you are a narcissist.
Document everything she says,be it videos,voice recordings,writing it down or whatever,as long as it's legal where you're at do it. I'd tell a few close friends about this before breaking up and calling the police on her ass, simply so she can't say that you just made it up on the spot and have some people there for you to support you. Don't just walk away from her and let her get off the hook,she needs to be punished for what she's done.
K I’m thinking the other way. It’s a condom provided by him, are u sure he doesn’t have ulterior motives? To mess with the condom and not let you see it? Or maybe it broke and he freaked out?
If you’re not a troll you are a sad, sad “man”
So, most of the other comments here are focused on the time away from work/surprise element.
I think you should examine your view of the day as a reverse shit sandwich, with bad stuff on either end and a pleasant spa trip.
I think it’s pretty clear that when your girlfriend was crying after the spa, saying she feels insecure in your relationship and that it’s like you’re together but not— what happened at the spa was a huge factor there. She did NOT have a nice time at the spa. You said she was SOBBING at the spa. And you were still able to compartmentalize and have a refreshing, enjoyable afternoon! No wonder she feels disconnected from you.
I understand not wanting to lose out on a spa day you paid for. But if her meltdown on the way to the spa didn’t convince you that you shouldn’t continue on with your spa plans— weeping in the spa should have. If my romantic partner was sobbing while doing a mud bath or whatever, that would be the time to get out of the mud bath and go home. She wasn’t okay.
This isn’t entirely on you. It sounds like she really needs to work on her verbal communication skills. But you need to work on reading her nonverbal communication. Like sobbing. Sobbing is bad.
Honestly I don't even know what to say. He needs therapy and I feel like your relationship will never be the same.
Honestly I don't even know what to say. He needs therapy and I feel like your relationship will never be the same.
I think that you should ask for some boundaries.
You have been understanding, you have been kind, but if your boyfriend always defaults to bringing up that you slept with this person once years ago, even when arguing about the price of tea in China, then you have to tackle the issue differently.
SIt him down, tell him that you can discuss the matter one last time, as seriously and exhaustively as he wishes, and then you don't want to hear him mention it again. Ever.
His mentioning that you slept with someone years ago, and bringing it up time and again, is, quite frankly, absurd.
He is the one who can't deal with the information, and while you were understanding and willing to discuss it in the past to a point, there is just so much you can say about a given topic that, frankly, ought to have been shelved months ago.
Set your boundaries, defend them tenaciously, and if he doesn't or can't stop, isn't willing to try and deal with an issue that is completely his, then maybe consider if you want to take a break, have him address the issue with a professional that might help him get to the bottom of it, or just give up on the relationship altogether.
You are thinking about waiting it out, until your boyfriend won't have to see your one night stand anymore, but I think that the issue here might be bigger than that – how does your boyfriend argue, what capacity he has to deal with unpleasant truths, why he blames you for something that frankly isn't an offence in the first place, how he deals with his insecurities, if he is a jealous person and how he deals with such feelings.
You are both young, but being willing to tackle issues that one has and not sweeping them under the rug is an important skill to try to develop in life.
Again, I think that the actively trying part is what matters here.
Block him. Get a therapist.
You have to work through how his abuse affected you and heal from that trauma. And break up with your current bf. You will only end up hurting him if you stay.
File that one under snowball’s chance in hell. She blew her chance.
I agree with this. And OP's addendum that she “knows” her bf-she knows him at a distance and during visits. He might be a great guy or he might be absolutely terrible to on-line with or even an abuser. You just never know. Her inexperience is showing bc I would never go from LDR, to married with someone I haven't lived with extensively. Age gap is always red flags for me. 7 years isn't bad in your thirties but early twenties, Idk. They are at completely different points in life.
As a side note. I’m NOT saying your boyfriend has healthy expectations in male friends or friend groups, i don’t know him or the situation well enough to say anything else about that.
Oh god, I’m so sorry. But seriously, fuck him. I don’t think I’ve ever advised this before: block him on everything. You don’t owe it to him to provide an audience to his delusions about how him cheating and breaking your heart are somehow justified in his mind. Fuck that noise.
If your partner doesn't have any genuine empathy for you and doesn't see any reason to change, then you could wait to the end of time and not see an improvement.
Reading your story I am struck by how volatile your relationship was and I seriously wonder why on Earth you got married when there were so many problems in it. Now she's got a ring on her finger your partner appears to have lost all incentive to put any effort into things. Having health problems is one thing, but there's no excuse for her to not even both to hug or show any compassion towards you.
You're not a wife you're a caregiver.
I didn't inform women about him, i did the opposite. I asked the community if they had some information on this guy that i really needed to know.
I didn't accuse him of anything.
He cleans the dishes, throws away the scraps, cleans the workplan, cleans the sink because she puts all her garbage there. The issue is her disregarding the mess she causes and disrespecting his time. A diswasher addresses nothing at all. It's like saying “hire a housemaid” when a partner refuses to help clean the house.
100% do as she says and leave her alone. She sounds awful and this sounds like nothing but a trainwreck for you. She dumps you after two months, then dishes insults at you after you go out of your way to help her? Screw that. Wash your hands of this mess.
Good! Hope you sort this out. Just remember that the distance you need triggers his anxiety.
But it IS her… she doesn't want to marry him and wants to be independent. That's her own personal desires. Those desires are fine to pursue. Why shouldn't she say that especially when it's the truth?
Also if you're against people simply taking ownership of wanting to leave relationships when they do, what do you suggest they say instead? “it's not me, it is in fact you, you're the problem”? Because unless the other person has actually done something wrong (and I don't really see anything this guy has done wrong outside of how he treated her in the beginning, but it seems he grew past that) then I have no idea what the purpose of your comment is or where the alternative advice is
She got angry about charges she made on her own card?
And you two decided to solve it by showing each other your bank balances but that made her mad?
About what?
And what are you mad about???
Please break up with him. He’s controlling, dismissive of your feelings, and he’s a known cheater.
Believe people when they tell you who they are. He will treat you exactly like he treated his last relationship. Break up with him and find someone who actually shares your lifestyle, and who treats you with respect.
You can’t love him enough to make him want to change into a good person. Don’t spend another 5 seconds with him.
I moved in with my wife one month after knowing and dating her. It can work that's not really what the problem is to me
Wear the thing and make sure that it hurts her then she will be screaming for your regular dick