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I can relate to this, my gf has severe depression, body dysmorphia, and anxiety. She is pretty similar to your gf, she had started having episodes when she was 12. She had suicidal thoughts and is extremely negative about the world and herself.
You seem like an amazing guy, you have done everything right. You’ve given your all. It can be extremely draining and tiring when going through an episode with your gf. I recently just went through one with my gf. It does become so draining and tiring that you cant process what to do or think to say.
I actually became frustrated and started telling my gf that she needs to do something about feeling like this. Which is not the best thing to do but sometimes they need to have some tough love. My best advice is unfortunately nothing you do will help her. You can comfort her and be there for her which is amazing and continue to do that! But you can do anything and nothing will bring her back but time.
Just continue to be there for her, give her space when she needs it, and trust that she will recover. I know it’s difficult but you also have to focus on you too, find something you enjoy. Focus on the little things around you. Do anything to better yourself mentally, it’s easy to fall into the void.
Sorry for the long response I just really connected to this. She knows you love her and she knows you’re there for her. Don’t forget to put some time back into you. I know it’s very hot always being the strong one. Don’t break up with her if you truly love her, which it seems like you do. You can do this.
Thank you for all your comments.. Im shaking at the thought that he cheated but it seems no matter what happened I need to talk to him.
I'm heading to his house in a couple hours and I promise to update on what he says.
.I have told him before on multiple occasions that I have been sexually abused from a very young age, and that I may not be the best at communicating or saying no. I have been getting much better at it and he usually takes it very well. But in this particular occasion my brain decided it was going to behave like it had to in the past to get it over with. I have been in therapy for a bit over 3 years now, and I thought I was doing so good. I feel absolutely terrible because all of that seems to be thrown out the window. I have expressed to him that sex is not a cure all for me, and that I don’t like sex when I am angry or sad, especially after crying. I just completed froze up. I feel like I deserve a good relationship in spite of my trauma, and I’m definitely not trying to play the victim here, I wanted to hear everyone’s opinions, even the ones that are very hot to hear, but now I feel like an asshole
I don’t think you still have a GF, my guy.
every man in the comments is ignoring the fact that you said this has been going on for multiple years. ed happens and it sucks but theres plenty you can do about it. its been going on for years and you havent done anything, now youre on here crying about how you doing nothing about it is preventing your girlfriend from being sexually satisfied in yalls relationship. if you want to keep her, do something about it. if not then break up with her. for most woman sex is important, but there are women for whom sex or even just piv sex is not important or a deal breaker.
Word aren't the issue on here. Your lack of understanding about what can be posted here is. My guess is your post will be removed in less than 5 min.
Hi, a fellow Hispanic here. I'm so sorry this happened to you, I know that as we grow up we realize our parents are flawed and I know it's unfair and painful but sometimes they just won't (don't want to) understand the pain they cause you. I'd say work hot on healing your inner child, you can look up stuff about this live or read books, or if you can get therapy! And just be mindful when you interact with your mother that you're just not going to get what you want from her, which is horrible I know, but sadly that's the truth. If after you've healed your inner child still feel like you want to stay away from your mom for sure. But I feel like nowadays everyone is throwing the no contact around so much. Understand that other generations see things different, I'm not excusing her I'm just trying to maybe understand where she's coming from. And maybe her way of caring for a child is wanting her to be perfect like she thinks perfection is. Again I'm not saying this is good and that it hasn't hurt you intensely, but meditate the no contact more. Best wishing to you
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u/Lurreka_, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.
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It is understandable that you may have been frustrated by your fiancée's reaction to the change in plans. It is important to remember, however, that everyone has different expectations and ways of handling unexpected situations. It is possible that your fiancée was disappointed or upset by the change in plans, and it is important to try to understand her perspective and to communicate openly about your feelings.
It may be helpful to have a conversation with your fiancée to discuss the situation and to try to understand each other's perspectives. You can try to express your own feelings and concerns, and listen to her thoughts and feelings as well. It may also be helpful to come up with a plan for handling unexpected changes in the future in a way that works for both of you.
Remember that it is important to be respectful and understanding of each other's needs and feelings, and to work together to find solutions that work for both of you.
Zip it and pretend you’re happy with that gift and actually you may need it even if you don’t think so
Maybe you interrupted her flirting with someone else
Did I say I care? I said it’s an indication of who’s embarrassing themselves and getting laughed at, use your brain babyboy 🙂 There you go again with the deflection, little carousel horse 🙂 only one of us has low self esteem, and it’s the one who still hasn’t gotten over being called out ? here you are still caring, still giving me material to embarrass you more ?
Well don’t have sex then problem solved you will also have to join his religion raise any children that way no contraception and so on
You are right, his brief agreement was NOT a red flag. No argument here. So I’m not sure why you bring this up to me, as that has nothing to do with my point. My point was that rather than be honest about his brief agreement, he’s blaming the adderall and acting like he has no idea why he did it. That’s the issue I was talking about.
She likes you. Tell her you like her or tell her you don’t. It’s just that easy.
She already broke up with you, move on. There is no relationship to give advice about.
Op whatever you do towards John DO TO YOUR MOTHER ASWELL SHE IS THE ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIP WHO CHOSE TO CHEAT. John was just a sidepiece living their life- a very shitty one at that but your mother is the true person at fault be just as mad at her as you are at John if not more mad at her
OK the guy needs to be dumped. And since you don’t have much of a personality are many interests he won’t even miss it. Yeah we know we will and he’s being a jerk.
Did either of your degrees require any sort of communication skills because this reply and this post don’t seem to be about the same story.
Him hanging out with established female friends and you hanging out with a new guy you’ve met since him are not the same thing. If you want to make new male friends, bring your bf along. That shouldn’t be too much to ask. Hell, for the first couple times I hang out with established male friends when I’m in a relationship, I bring my partner along so they are comfortable with them going forward. And those are literally friends I’ve had for YEARS. He does the same typically, and even though it’s not expected since these are long standing friendships, we do it because we respect each other’s feelings. You’re being dismissive of your bfs feelings, at best.
Dump his ass. He is no good and is setting you up to be manipulated. You can easily find a guy that will want you just as you are. Don't settle for this kind of bullshit. There are too many men out in the world to put up with someone like him.
awww that’s really sweet, thank you for the advice!! also it’s hilarious that our avatars are basically the same lmao
I feel like there’s a difference between being a little submissive/mixing pain and pleasure and just… being turned on by women in explicit pain. From how you’ve described this video, a lot of the appeal comes from taking consent away, hurting them, and humiliating them. No matter what he or anyone says about fantasy, at least part of him must think those things are okay or exciting.
This is easily solved. Stop being his fiancé. There is no legitimate reason for him to hide it.
I'm just curious, what part of me saying that we've been dating for six years are are going to get married this fall make you inclined to believe I'm trying to control another human?
I'm just curious, what part of me saying that we've been dating for six years are are going to get married this fall make you inclined to believe I'm trying to control another human?
Eh personally I think 4 can be left out, sometimes you apologize knowing forgiveness won’t come or at least not for a long time. Apologies should be made with enough empathy towards the other person, forgiveness is not anticipated. In AA this happens all thins when “making amens” “I’m sorry I got drunk punched a hole in your wall and pushed on your couch after I tried to kiss your GF, I’m not drinking anymore, and hope I never do again” Friend: fuck off Inevitably next AA meeting “my friends and family just won’t see how much I’ve changed since I stopped drinking a month ago”
Troll i think
I can understand the hurt about them lying just so they can exclude you. That completely sucks especially after you suggested getting there early to hang out together. I think it’s pretty immature of them given that they’re the older siblings too.
I’m one of 3 siblings and once upon a time I was closer to my middle sibling and we both weren’t very close to our oldest. But now they are closer and I’m the one kind of left out of stuff unless it’s a family occasion. Yea it sucks, but at the same time I can’t govern their relationship and it seems like they want me to put in an extra mile of effort to get closer to them which I don’t feel like doing either so I’ve just accepted it and I have my own life outside of them. At some point, you have to mentally stop fighting this cause it is what it is, they clearly have more similar personalities than you do to either of them.
Your husband is not a 'good man', he's a petty criminal. If he hasn't grown out of it, then I doubt he ever will. And you are enabling him by staying and putting up with it.
I am really pushing you because I get the impression that you tend to be passive and just let things happen to you.
Think carefully about your sister's situation. It is fine to be friends with her but I am not certain that she is on a great path. Given her income level and age, it is scary that she has less than $20K in savings. My child is a college student and has more than that.
I urge you not to share any of your financial information or career goals/status with her. There is no reason for her to know that and we know that she is not interested in helping you with your job. That is a good thing – you need to do it on your own.
One thing you can do is to proactively invite your sister to do something that you can afford in your city. Then you will know that you have made the effort to see her. If she does not accept, try a few more times. If she consistently declines your invites, then you know that her invitations are not about seeing you. They are about having you around for things that suit her. That is OK too but you have to be honest about what the relationship is and what it is not.
You need to learn to say No to her and one of the best ways to make that change is to always wait 24 hours before you respond to an invite, give a clear, lighthearted No, and suggest a different activity at a different time.
Sister: Do you want to come to dinner at Expensive Restaurant in My City on Friday night?
You: Sorry, I can't. How about you come for brunch at mine on Sunday. I'll make omelettes and mimosas.
How do you think she would respond to that?
Hear his side of the story, if he’s never dealt with something like this before maybe it caused him to just shut down. If you talk and still feel like he’s tired of dealing with it then maybe it’s time to rethink your relationship. If he won’t talk to you then personally, I would let him go.
I am chronically ill. I learned long ago I would need work arounds. My husband is the breadwinner. I found a support ground to vent to. I applied for state disability ability, as soon as I could I applied for social security. This was prior to our marriage. We adopted our child, ironically she has a chronic genetic disorder that mirrors your wife’s.
When I went to social security to change some things, they insisted we apply for benefits for our child. She got a 850 dollar stipend a month. We were able to get a wheelchair van for me. I can use a cane to get to the drivers seat. We used part of my disability to get a housekeeper. While the housekeeper was there we napped. When she was 3 we had her in half day basically a play group. In the winter we used the crock pot. Summer the grill. We made it work.
My daughter was a easy baby. Except IBS, she was not diagnosed with her illness till 12. We went to a geneticist and she got officially diagnosed. We also found out that her illness requires both partners to have the gene.
We have a solid relationship, our daughter is struggling with her chronic invisible disability. She just got approved for assistance. Her fiancé is great. My daughter finally accepted a wheelchair wasn’t a shame it gave her more freedom outside the house. Inside she uses other things. We also got her a service dog at 7. He would sleep next to her belly Or on her lap. She realized the heat helped her stomach to pain. Sometimes she eats in the shower it helps her belly pain.
She had to come to peace with her disability, part of that was a pain management psychologist. She has a live support group. She now has a large service dog that helps with her mobility. We watched Harlow the helper dog and realized as an adult she could become more independent with a larger service dog. I ended up getting a standard poodle, we were able have self train.
Our work arounds reduced the pressure on my Dude.
We both know you’re incredibly brittle with the countless responses you’ve made to people who don’t agree with you.
Dude here, if he’s that quick to skip the condoms with OP he’s definitely that quick to skip them with any other girls he might sleep with.
Someone please tell this to my spouse. He is also currently trying to grow a mustache, but it just looks like a teenage pirate… so patchy. He's 36, and keeps saying that maybe * this* time, it'll start growing in more full…
Your husbands reaction is shining a light on his trauma and or perversions. He needs therapy.
No one is saying he shouldn't take care of his child, they are saying he shouldn't be responsible for funding her lifestyle, which is the impression she is under. She doesn't get to dump OP and demand a sum more than she would be awarded in court so that she can continue working 2 days a week like when she was with him and getting benefits.
It's also equally as likely that she cheated on him, met someone else or any other number of things. It's a pretty shit move to go and assume he is the root cause of all problems.
I wonder, if the sexes were reversed would you automatically spout the same BS? Or are you intent on, no matter what, faulting men for absolutely everything with absolutely zero evidence?
You’re not mature enough to be in a relationship right now. You need to cut the umbilical cord that is tying you to your family’s opinions and go discover your own life.
She cheated on you. It’s not a poly relationship if your partner is seeing someone else without your knowledge, that’s like the definition of cheating
Absolutely not. She shouldn’t lie at all. They made their mess and now that’s what they all will have to deal with.
I personally just think like wtf!? How do you sleep with someone who wanted a family with you and you said you didn’t. IMO I think she took advantage of that Situation.
I also don’t understand why this is in relationship advice when she is in fact not in a relationship with said guy.
Haha. Someone on my team said that to me and I just went with it. In all honesty, I love them as well.
Some nurses they were. How is his weight? Does he have sleep apnea? Theres a ton of medical reasons he could be snoring. For now toss a breath right strip on him and sleep in different rooms. Once you have had more sleep and can care about his health, ask him to get checked out. If his only fault is snoring horribly hes doing pretty good as a parent and spouse.
I assume you're referring to a speculum.
A friend of mine was in her boyfriend's bed while he was out of the room, accidentally shit the bed, and then he walked back in to the room just as she was stood with one leg up on the bed trying to wipe with a plastic shopping bag, as there was nothing else in the room and she didn't want to risk being caught running for TP.
They're about to celebrate their 2 year anniversary and are happier than ever, sometimes you just need to laugh
In that case, you should respect her boundaries and not attempt to contact her. Perhaps with time she will be in a better place and reach out to you.
So your girlfriend cares more about the feelings of random dudes than she does about yours…
I wouldn't describe it as numb, maybe more like annoyed and slightly dissapointed that its happening but knowing that no matter what its not the end of the world. Instead of wasting my energy getting upset I just look for the who, what, when, why and how to stop it from happening again.
Pure will power has led you to the monumental achievement of one month sober and clean!!! Admiration and respect is all I have for you!! What you want to accomplish is admirable! But, it isn't within your power to make it happen. Husband is an addict and has become an abuser. An addict cannot be helped until he wants to be helped. An abuser ALWAYS ESCALATES. It's only a matter of time before his need to fight with you turns physical and then he will progress to abusing the children. You are a mother and for you there is only one overriding obligation. Protect and cherish your children. You can't do either if you are constantly abused by husband. Move back to your parents and start divorce proceedings immediately. There is nothing more that you can do to save your marriage or help your husband. Save yourself and your children.
Hey, I think masturbation is healthy and I never minded people (even my own partner–he used to) using p0rn to masturbate and I respect all that, but for her, it's probably shocking to see and she may not be too happy with the p0rn you're looking at although she's not being open outright with you.
You need to chill out a little bit, you're expecting her to cater to your feeling insecure (thinking that she's slipping away from you) for getting caught masturbating to p0rn immediately. Give her some time. She did say she needs some time to process herself. She probably was not expecting to catch you to masturbate to p0rn. Maybe she also thought that, rather than you waking her up requesting for loving, you'd rather masturbate watching 2 women so she felt like, she's “not good enough?”
It sounded to me that you barely got anything out of her over her shock/dismay of seeing you masturbate to p0rn…this kind of sucks, is she generally 'closed off 'emotionally? Is she that embarrassed to be honest with you?
Is it possible for you guys to see premarital counseling or some sort of relationship counseling as well?
Also, just because you think p0rn is not a big deal, it may not be so, with her. This may be the main source of contention. Find out b4 you guys get married.
I hate to say it, but there's a simple and disappointing explanation for all this. The first baby was the first baby, new and exciting. And he had a few years of fatherhood under his belt on top of that. The second baby was, I'm sure, still a big deal to him, but not exciting and new.
Plus, frankly, newborn baby posts on FB are soooo old hat. They're a dime a dozen. It's kind of like your birthday when everyone wishes you a happy birthday and then within a week, nobody cares.
I'm guessing (purely guessing) that your bf doesn't care less, he's just a bit older and wiser about how little people on FB give a shit about the babies being born.
I could be wrong, but I know for a fact that what I just described does happen.
Isn't it obvious? Dude writing a whole story about him being a sex god hero.
Well, Is it the first time he deadnamed you? If so, it maybe just the heat of argument that people tend to throw whatever that hurts the most. I know, everyone has this type of tendencies. Just let him know that it is off-limits going forward to see if situation improves.
If it isn't,… remind me why you are still married to him.
Her behavior IS weird!
“Oh, Do lets really meet! Oh oopsie… nope.”
2 times? Really?
No worries! Hope you have a good rest of the day/night.
Any woods nearby friend?
They ARE his children. Both legally and literally. He’s loved them from the moment they were born eight and five years ago. This type of love doesn’t magically end because of a blood test.
Move on, sweetie! So many red flags! Your person will listen to you and understand! That is not your person! You deserve better!!!
Contact hope and safety alliance. It sounds like he is close to hitting you. It’s better to get out before that happens. You can do it and know that there are so many women that have walked in your shoes and made it out. There is so much help for survivors of domestic violence
I am a twin. I would be absolutely insulted. And as a matter of fact, a situation like this arose with my twins ex wife when she told me she knew him better than i ever would. To which i explained to her that she didn't grow up with him like i had and no bond would be stronger than ours. She didn't like that. OP, i hope you make the decision to not go. If they can't include you in the celebration, but only as an after thought, then it's not worth it. Clearly it's not a party meant for you and again, as a twin, is absolutely degrading and insulting.
Definitely don't move in unless you feel this issue has had time and space to improve.
Is this the only fault you have with her? Because if so I think you could discuss this with her and improve in this.
It's time to have a frank conversation about how her negativity is hurting you. Use I feel language. Say things like
“I need you to hwar me out completely on something that is becoming a serious road black to me in our relationship. it feels like there is a lot of negativity in your life, and I am one to try and look on the bright side. I understand needing to vent but the level of negativity I feel in our conversation is starting to give me anxiety. Sometimes it feels like that negativity is directed at others, but sometimes it also feels directed at me. It is difficult to hear critical comments about small things. It brings me down and makes me feel unappreciated. (Give some examples here) I don't feel I will be happy in a relationship that is constantly sweating the small stuff. I want to stop and smell the roses, not stop and hear about the incorrect pruning of the roses”
No one is perfect, and no one can live happily being reminded of every little mistake they make.
Roller coaster relationships are very hot to manage due to the instability.
Should I continue it or should I let this relationship go?
If its the same cycle and never any progress, then I think it would be best to let go.
When there is a broken dynamic like this, you two need to sit down together (bonus points with a counselor), and come up with a game plan that actually works.
You're together as a couple, why?
No one appointed you to be together, you're not stuck with each-other… You're choosing to be together.
Its the same thing with your conflicts. We're choosing to fight with each-other. We're choosing to allow our emotions overpower us and make matters worse.
Anytime you hit a rough patch together, it should not put your relationship into jeopardy (if you're a healthy couple).
You two should be coming out of them stronger than how you went into them before.
Regardless if you're mad, you still need to maintain that love/respect during conflicts.
The goal is to tone down the fights and turn them into discussions instead.
Coming out of these rough patches improved as a couple, will provide security/stability. Every couple is going to have shit to talk about… but how you two go about it is the make or break.
You really should come out of these patches improved. Proper communication and respect, a deeper understanding of your partner, and a newer appreciation for conducting yourselves through love, not anger. Real resolution to your issues where you can put a lid on it, so its not brought up again in the future or swept under the rug.
Whatever your technique is, will be unique to you, and a counselor can help you discover it. Kind of obvious you two will need additional help since you've failed each-other on it so far.
Also, make it a habit to talk about things when you're in good standing. You should not only be having deeper talks when something caused it. Talking about things even when there is nothing going wrong, only benefits you two.