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. In a way, though, it was solicited.
It wasn't. No one was saying terminate, so there's no reason to say that she has to keep it other than to push an agenda.
It's easily assumed that abortion would be somewhere in the conversation.
You know what they say about assumptions.
So as I read this, due to boundaries you and your boyfriend set, she has more access to him than you do during the day?
I understand the initial intent of the boundaries, but it seems odd she has none.
Revision of the rules may be needed Good luck
i (M) get a lot of half naked pictures from my best friend (F) so i can say she lost some weight. other then that i don't see an non sexual way of sending full nudes etc.
Thank you so much for this advice. The linked letter is very helpful in describing exactly how I’m feeling. I appreciate you taking the time to help me navigate this situation.
Yes but given that she’s not even 12 weeks yet and he’s already dating someone else (after being split for only 3 weeks) I can understand her concerns.
He can date who he likes but she does not need to get to know them and she does not need to agree to having them around her new born baby.
Just future reference put a tl;dr at the end of this. Because goodness gracious. This shit is long. Idk what it said so my advice is follow your heart make you happy and ask the important questions to those who need to be asked.
Your comment reminds me of the movie “Babette’s Feast”, which is a gorgeous film about a gifted cook/chef who wins a lottery and uses the entire amount to throw a feast for her employers and some people from their church. They’re shocked and dismayed at the extravagance of the meal due to their puritanical beliefs, they feel it is sinful, but out of love for Babette and knowing how important her cooking this meal for them is to her, they graciously go along. There are no losers in this story, its just wonderful.
So it was a mutual break-up? If yes then I can agree that you can stay friends.
There are millions of ppl who've endured thi kind of pain. Artists make millions writing about it. Because it effing hurts. You're spun out at the moment but you'll look back on this as a happier and stronger person someday. And it will make more sense.
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Your therapist friend needs to have a long talk with your husband about boundaries in therapeutic relationships.
If your friend wasn't the cause, there would be another. It sounds like your Ex? Is making problems for you to solve. It could even be how she sees people demonstrate affection (how much does he help me?)
There are friends of mine (male and female) that I'd do anything for. My wife doesn't mind. She knows I like to help others.
Your Ex had lots if friends of both genders who used to be romantic with her. She might have thought this friend had been romantic with you and you were trying to reconnect. And in her mind, it could of been: “If he shows me all thus innocent stuff, how much isn't he showing me?” Not realizing the answer was absolutely nothing.
It's rough. Help your friend, then collect yourself together, find ways to make yourself a better person and look for love with someone who isn't panicked that you know someone else.
You played games and lost. Learn from it and leave the poor guy alone. You're only feeling this way right now because he is ignoring you and you're not used to it. You absolutely did strong him along and use him for attention and validation while completely ignoring his feelings.
Never let your partner go to a school reunion alone. There's so many affairs going on at those things you wouldn't believe it. Hell if I was single I'd try my luck with some of my old crushes. I hear so many stories of this stuff when someone goes to a school reunion alone.
I can't pinpoint exactly what's wrong with your girlfriend, but something definitely is, and it's not good. If this doesn't give you an insight into the type of person she is, I don't know what will. Whether she has a comprehension problem, or is just ignorant, selfish, lazy, careless, it doesn't really matter. The issue will most definitely extend in other areas of her life. It's up to you how much you are willing to put up with. I feel bad for the cats, yes Benadryl is safe for cats in certain small doses, but a whole pill dissolving in their water can't possibly be good and it's a tragedy waiting to happen.
Until you decide what to do, can you maybe move the cat bowls in a different room, or somewhere that is not by her nightstand?
Get a therapist..most partners want to see each others face when having sex…I love eye contact during sex.
As an animal lover I can see why your partner wants to spend time with her cat but I don’t feel like she fully understands the physical impact it’s having on your health. I presume you take anti allergy medication? I would just be frank, explain how you’re really suffering from the cats fur/dander (try to help her understand that it’s not the cats fault, it just how it is and out of your control). Explain that you like the cat and feel bad for asking her to keep it out of your bedroom but that it’s effecting your health and sleep routine and you’re missing spending time with her in bed whilst she’s with the cat on the sofa. My brothers is allergic to cats and says he was miserable and finding it naked to breathe when he was staying at his wife’s aunts house who had cats so I undertook where your coming from!
In this case it seems to be the issue.
She probably should have waited until she was much older to get married and have a baby. That’s what that person was saying
Stop. Just stop. You can't force this. He made his decision. No matter how much you are hurting, you have to respect his decision.
You constantly contacting him can be perceived as a lack of respect and boundaries on your part. In one comment, you admitted that he had brought this up 4 months into the relationship and you were able to get him to continue with the relationship.
That is a huge redflag. You ignored what he wanted to get him to stay in the relationship. You can't force him to be with you. Currently you are focusing on what you want and not what he wants and needs.
You are both young. He isn't ready and doesn't want the type of relationship you want. He wants space and time to grow. You constantly contacting him is bad for the both of you.
If it is meant to be, it has to be because you both want it. You can't control him. If you continue down this path you will only succeed in pushing him away and possibly causing him to resent you.
Step back and let him live and make his own choices. It is his choice to step away. Yes it hurts but he is being honest about what he needs. You can't change that.
If it is meant to be, you will eventually find each other. For now, remember the good and continue to grow and live! your life.
Don't become that girl. Grow into who you are meant to be with or without him. You are worthy with or without him.
Y'all are both taking this shit way too seriously. You're allowed to find what you find naked while also acknowledging it ain't like a crazy big deal anyways. Likewise she needs to get over her insecurities and understand that it's just a fantasy, obviously since it hasn't happened yet its not like it's a make or break on whether you need it for a relationship.
Also get over this weird sanctity for sex, yall are fuckin it's just not that deep. Don't be afraid to explore shit cause of them preconceived notions.
Do not apologize. Jessica treated you like trash and your other “friends” let her .
Some details that I failed to list here; My divorce has not been finalized because my ex-wife has moved to another country and is attempting to delay the proceedings as much as possible, it should have been finalized 15 months ago. I didn't say I think I am going to spend the rest of my life with her, I was indicating I could see that. The statement was more to the effort of “I am getting older, I am not looking to date someone “just to date someone”, someone without a potential future, as you would when you are younger. I questioned whether she was uncomfortable which is why I backed out completely in the middle of October to see what would happen, she is the one who explicitly has reinitiated communication in December – which I lightly grazed over. She has received a new licensure in healthcare in a field that is not covered in our hospital so we are unable to promote her into as the department doesn't exist; for this reason she is moving to another company at the end of the month. Which removes my concerns of multiple other items in your list. I recognized the other employees situation which is why I don't have any communication with her at the workplace at this point. surely I could have included more of these details but the initial posting was already seeming quite lengthy. I do appreciate your feedback.
Yeah it seems super manufactured.
Well, dont be afraid to be single…is all I have to say.
Having a bf for the sake of having a bf but you have to sacrifice yourself to maintain the status is not healthy.
Most of the time, when an SO brings up opening a monogamous relationship, they've already got at least one person in mind. That SO's also likely been talking to them and getting the proverbial ball rolling in terms of expressing interest in them. That, or that person has expressed interest in said SO (who's interested as well). In either case, they've already started straying away from the relationship they're currently in. Sure, there are times when that SO is just curious about it and wants to know what you think, or genuinely doesn't have anyone else in mind. But if your girlfriend is pushing like that, she's got her bed buddies already chosen.
To put in bluntly, your girlfriend wants to be able to cheat on you, without repercussions. She wants the single life so she can date and hook up with whoever she wants, but also wants to keep you around so she doesn't lose those perks (especially since she's living with you). She's not “growing,” she being selfish like all cheaters, and expecting you to just go along with it because of an ego-driven belief that you couldn't possibly want to lose her.
And yes, regardless of what terminology she uses or what cliche phrases she tries out on you, she's asking you to be OK with her cheating. Whether it's open, poly, three ways, swinging… it's all the same behavior as cheating (having a sexual attraction toward someone other than your SO, and acting on it). That's what she wants to do… assuming she's not asking for this to make her cheating OK after the deed's already been done behind your back.
You said you're not cool with this? Then stand firmly on that belief and don't let her persuade you into accepting it. She could get mad, cry, yell, argue, insult you, tell you she won't neglect you, that she still loves you, or even say that she'll drop it. But here's the thing… even if she did drop the idea, she can't unsay what she said. She's flat out told you she wants to date/screw other people and expects you to stick around while she does. Her demand/request is the type of thing that damages relationships just by asking, and now that you know what she wants and how much she wants it, your trust in her is all but gone. And sadly for you, whether it's blatantly or secretively, she's very likely still going to do this. She's pushed it too naked for her not to.
So now you have to decide if you like living with someone like that. Whatever love and respect she had for you is basically gone, because who would treat someone they genuinely feel those things for, the way she's treating you? So as the saying goes… if she wants to act single, make her single. Take time to heal form this, and find a new girlfriend when you're ready.
I did. Like a complete asshole I went so far as to take her to Planned Parenthood and pressured her to get it. She came back out an hour later, only with a paper stating that she was 3 weeks pregnant. She was apologizing the whole time while telling me she couldn't go through with it. I just accepted it then and there, thinking that in the eyes of my God, I did what I could and the rest is out of my hands. . . (Agnostic now btw, not that it's relevant, or is? idk…)
On the same token, head on over to all the infidelity subs and you’ll see how many people caught their spouses cheating by snooping in their phone. I guess OP needs to decide which is more important.
Yeah. Just consider how many “post pick up artist” groups they are celebrating their new beloved family some dude helped them get.
If you want to understand women you should talk to them. Not to men telling you they definitely understand women.
They are heavily predisposed to giving you bad advice, to keep you in their world giving them money, they aren't trying to help.
Best advice I've had is – you need to match physical attraction. So many 6 dudes going for 8s!
And just be kind.
Even if she has no one else is it still okay for me to do this? Like she still lives in an abusive home and she has maybe one good friend. I just feel like an ass leaving someone so vulnerable. Like I know I need to take care of myself but it just feels like I’m being a horrible person leaving someone else in the dust. I had to do this same thing with my ex and the only thing that made me feel okay with breaking up was he was nasty and it felt like justification. She’s nothing but kind and wants the world and more for me. It’s so crazy because this is like something someone would dream of to have someone fawn over you and care so much. Idk if that’s just my brain trying to make excuses or what. It just seems like the biggest hill I’ve ever come across
Yeah, that’s definitely a pivotal moment in one’s life. It’s likely the case that he hasn’t really cut the umbilical cord with his mom. If indeed his mother is in very poor health, then it’s understandable that he may have to spend more time with her — in which case he’s not exactly in good working order for a relationship that isn’t sporadic or secondary to his time with his mom.
For all OP knows, this could go on for years… and she’s understandably not at a stage in her life where she wants to stick around for an indeterminate amount of time in order to find out whether her bf is immature or legitimately maximizing his time with a sick parent.
I would advise OP to take a step back from the relationship — perhaps suggest that they revisit in some months or a year down the road.
Sounds good to me strait to the point
So basically he's a manipulative control freak who enjoys embarrassing you in front of strangers.
I think the fact that she realised very quickly that she’d fucked up and stated it honestly and openly is the key bit here. I mean, I would definitely cool your jets on any further entanglements – and make it clear to her that this stunt a) really hurt you and b) damaged the relationship, but I wouldn’t necessarily end it.
Isn't that what you're supposed to do at a Bachelorette party? Like the last hoorah before the Ole Valley and Chain?
It’s bad because they have a child together, and he’s afraid if he breaks up with her, she will take that child and leave the country to live where she could work and actually be happy.
You are way, way overthinking this. Please get some help, to get a handle on your insecurities.
Your boyfriend is going to look at people. No one is struck blind because they are in a committed relationship.
If you don't get past this, you are going to make yourself miserable.
There is a lot to unpack in your post but
You seem to be a chronic people pleaser, but you fail to please yourself. You say “there is no saying no to your father” – well, of course there is. And now you are making the same error in thinking with your husband. When did you last say no and mean it?
I am from the UK, married to a Swiss man (nurse). We live in Switzerland. My husband went to University close to where you live! if you are on the Röstigraben. I happen to be the breadwinner, but there is zero way that my husband could consider sitting on his ass all day without doing everything possible for the house. He works long shifts and he cooks and cleans as much as I do.
Getting a job without speaking the language is nude and he needs to focus on English-speaking jobs. He will find that easier in the bigger cities. He needs to look Swiss wide to find a role. Personally, I would not wait much longer for this. I would be preparing divorce papers. The longer you wait, you will have to split your pension in two and give him half. You may need to pay him alimony if he can demonstrate he has been supported by you. Do not have children with this man, you will be tied to an obstinate co-parent all your life.
The miscarriages were not your fault. Whether a baby will miscarry or not is generally determined at the time of conception, unless you deliberately tried to hurt yourself which I doubt. Please do not think this way, and I stress again that if you have a child with this man you can easily end up in an international child custody battle and spend many 1000s of CHF on lawyers. I have seen two friends go through this with deadbeat dads here in Switzerland.
Feel free to message me if you need some moral support.
So you two are conflicted on where you want to live eh? Moving to a new place can be a big decision, one that both partners need to be in agreement on.
You should have an honest and open conversation with her and communicate your desires and concerns but also listen to her and try to understand her motivations for wanting to stay. It’s not so nude to understand that she wants to remain near her family and friends where she has a whole support system in place. You’re asking her to change all of her relationships to long distance ones and that’s a big ask.
If you both are not able to reach a compromise then you will need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. It’s pretty important you both are happy with where you live! and can pursue your individual goals and aspirations.
I’m the end, you’re going to have to weigh the importance of your desire to move with your love for your girlfriend and her desire to remain in Ohio. It’s a tough decision and I don’t envy you but with you luck and happiness regardless of the outcome.
but neither of us can still figure out why she did it.
She did it because she is an asshole.
if anybody has tips on how I can make this easier to get through i would also like that
break up with her
Ive seen many false accusations of r-, but this sounds 100% legit especially if she pressed charges and he is in jail.
I wouldnt call you a POS for that, just very very selfish. its a very weird feeling when someone else was with your partner thats naked to shake off. Talk to her about it if she is ready. She may be able to explain that nobody wanted this to happen.
I hope he stays locked up for a long time, and she stays off drugs.
my condolences to her. She will be in my prayers tonight.
I will tell you my story. My oldest’s father has a history of abuse/violence toward his partners. His ex-wife left him and got a restraining order but he still managed to get custody/visitation independent of her by agreeing that his parents would supervise. They didn’t. But there was no way to prove it. I got pregnant but left him early in the pregnancy because he became violent towards me. I never let him be with her without me. She is 16 now. And I’m vindicated in that decision because he assaulted one of her older sisters a few years ago, and now has no contact with her. He stopped contacting us or seeing my daughter when she was really small and we found this out through the child, who found my daughter on social media when they were teenagers.
One step at a time.
Find a way to move out, find somewhere else to live, and move on.
Youre a stripper. Most men wont date you seriously tbh
Classic narcissist traits. It never gets better. Save yourself now, the longer you stay, the longer it will take to heal. You must go no contact.
So why’d you even post here if you’re going to ignore suggestions and insist you’re going to give him one more shot?
I told my wife I don’t like hyphenated last names. She agreed.
Her last name stayed the same. I don’t care. She has professional social connections under that name, we know we’re married and the government knows we’re married, doesn’t really matter what people read on paper.
If my wife’s last name was cooler I’d have taken it. (Think like smith for what she has)
I personally would rethink the whole relationship. If he is isnt willing to compromise something as that. I lost my father on my 21st birthday. I also plan on hyphenating my last name to add my future partners name, if they told me they didn’t like that then they truly don’t know me because it would have been brought up before. Maybe just socially you can go by his last name? But legally you have your name hyphenated. Idk. I just see it as I’ve been known by my last name my whole life, i have my degree, my job, socially its my last name. Adding my partners name just shows my future. But again it would rub me the wrong way if my partner said he didn’t agree with me wanting to keep my last name especially when i want to keep for multiple reasons…