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Personally I don't think it would be underhanded at all to get a vasectomy. You have been very clear that you do not want another child and up until recently she felt the same. She is now being extremely toxic and coercive and quite frankly I wouldn't trust her to not cheat to get pregnant or effectively rape you to get pregnant. I know that sounds extreme but she seems to have spiraled quickly down this particular rabbit hole and has no interest in listening to your very real and very valid concerns/desires.
IMHO it is not selfish to not bring a child who isn't 100% wanted into the world. It would in fact be selfish of her to bring a child into it knowing you do not want to do so especially with so many unknowns. What if the child is born and develops or displays extreme behavioral issues? What if your wife suffers from complications and is permanently disabled in some way or even dies? Then you are sitting in your almost mid 40's with a baby you didn't want and either acting as a caretaker for your wife or a single parent.