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I've been abstinent from sex for a little over 4 years now for pretty much the same thing that happened to you.
I've been going to therapy for over a year and seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds for over a year as well. But before I became abstinent or sought therapy I continued having sex after I was raped. It was the worst decision. I thought I could power through it. I thought I had to, it's what you do in relationships. That it wasn't a big deal. That if I kept doing it that it would become easier. It just became worse and every single relationship I was in fell apart because I wasn't taking care of my mental health. And pressuring myself about thinking I need to have sex just made it worse.
I was in a relationship fairly recently where they knew beforehand I was abstinent, was starting therapy, and made no promises when we may be able to have sex. They said they were fine with it but eventually they weren't. My lack of sex was one of the things on my end that made it all fall apart. Being in relationships and trying to do things I wasn't ready to do because I wouldn't deal with my rape first costed me years of what could have been good relationships. And therefore I ended up with years more trauma. I turned what should have been maybe a couple years of therapy into about 8 years of suffering and more trauma than I had with just the rape. Feeling not good enough, inadequate, terrible that I made the people I love feel unloved, and they all treated me badly in the end. Or didn't understand or didn't want to talk about it and triggered me if they did. My entire 20's so far has been eaten up by this issue because I didn't take it seriously, because I was lonely, and couldn't help falling in love even when I wasn't looking. Hoping some guy would love me enough to wait it out.
It just doesn't work like that though. It's okay if you catch feelings or don't want to be alone. It's okay to trust others if they say they wanna fight through this with you. But you have to recognize people say one thing and do another and very few want to go through this. Most just don't hold out very long before they have issues. People just wanna be in love and have fun. Which is fine. But love doesn't fix all things and it's not the end all be all. It's not good enough in the end. The best thing I've done that has made the most progress is be on my own and focus on therapy. One year of that consistently has been the most life changing. I can safely say that next year I plan on trying to have sex again because for the first time since I was 19 I finally feel safe to. I just turned 27 btw.
You have to prioritize yourself above all others, even your boyfriend, if you're gonna heal. Don't make this harder than it has to be like I did. If I could do one thing different it would be to stay single, no matter what, no sex, and do a lot of therapy until I was better, starting immediately after the rape. I truly believe I wouldn't have suffered as much as I have. I don't think this guy is good for you or cares about you. And this relationship is going to make it all worse in the end. Beating yourself up about not having sex is one of the worst things you could be doing when you're trying to heal. Cut him off and please just focus on yourself. I'm speaking from experience ❤
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Nooo, how dare people want their partners to be attractive, how dare they follow basic human instincts, every fat man and female is a 10/10 than any other female who puts in time into her body and appearance.
You likely screwed up there…. Every time they have meet since breaking up, they have hooked up. It’s an almost certainty that they are going to hook up.
Even if she doesn’t go there with that intention, the fact that your relationship is rocky at the moment due to fighting, means as soon as they start talking about things, especially any good times they shared, all your negative points are going to be foremost in her mind, and his good qualities along with them.
Up to you what you do, you can tell her that you have thought about it more, and that you would prefer her not to see someone who she repeatedly slept with in the past. Or you can hope and pray that she stays loyal to your relationship and does nothing. Or you can reevaluate your relationship, and decide that maybe everything happening is the end of it, and just cut your ties now.
Always doubting yourself is an unhealthy way to live.
How is it gaslighting (a term with a VERY specific meaning in relation to abuse) when YOU were wrong?
Why are you censoring the word pedophile?
That aside, your friend would be one as well since she said he was 10/10 to her, and her fiancé would be one as well.
Could it be that she was joking and when you made the remark about the bf that is what upset her? If so, sounds like miscommunication maybe in which case just give it some time.
If she wasn't joking then she sounds like an immature hypocrite.
Your friend makes no sense. She's the one that found him very hot. Her fiance is a pedo by her definition. 24 dating 20 is nothing.
She obviously couldn't defend herself after you flipped it on her about her fiance, lol
Hopefully, she'll give you a heart-felt apology. If not, friendships end. I'm 45. I don't even talk to people I was friends with when I was in my teens. My closest friends I met a few years ago. Shit happens.
This is great advice
You are right that was an over generalisation. I just don’t know what to do with that info. If he thinks that, it’s not ok
she finally told me that we are dating, but we are not friends so, most of the things she likes to talk about, she talks about them with her friends, not me, things like frustrations at work, promotion, any good news etc, those are not meant for me. She would even ask me for money but refuse to tell me what it's for, coz it's none of my business. We have been dating for about 3 months now, should I be concerned?
Lol, yeah dude, you should
Do you want to “date” someone who doesn't view you as a friend? Someone who views friends as more intimate than their partner?
As for the money part, yeah big red flag
She's just using you
What do you get out of this relationship?
She’s going to gas light/bully you in to submission. Good luck with that OP.
As long as you end it that is the main thing! I’m sorry you’re going through this. Also as someone else said, take any evidence you can as she will likely try and turn the breakup on you, these sort of people always do.
Thanks for making me laugh!
I’ve never seen him like this before tho. Maybe he was just having a very hot day from work
I'm so sorry, but please read up on narcissistic personality disorder cause… This is textbook.
You kids these days are waaaaay too sensitive
Do you understand sick kids?
You're saying this as if we all haven't been sick as a child at some point in our lives ?
*OP, my fiancé has diagnosed ADD, ADHD, and Tourette’s. He cooks, washes dishes, vacuums and does laundry all the freakin time without me asking him to do any of it. He’s also not medicated and was diagnosed in 2nd grade. It’s 100% NOT ADHD.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t think you’re being silly.
I get the impression there’s some other reasons for your annoyance over the choice he’s made here. And it also seems that you had been quite clear on your feelings in this regard, and he still made his choice anyway.
I wouldn’t travel with my partner and a group of friends either.
If you feel this strongly about it – then do what makes you happy. It sounds like this relationship probably isn’t going to last anyway, and it would be a shame to change something that’s important to you for a boyfriend. Take the advice of someone a fair bit older than you – always live YOUR best life.
People are capable, I had my last break up with me a couple years ago because he felt unable to be consistent and he felt insecure, Even after i reassured him. Being consistent in a relationship is easy, Being romantic every day ofc thats not realistic and its actually mentally draining too.
? you must be fun in every gathering
I don’t care if I’m fun or not , she worry about the least important thing in her life.
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