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Thank you- that is really good advice. We’ve talked about what we want in general terms (like wanting a long term and serious relationship) but I hadn’t thought about what it exactly entails and the intricacies of it. Definitely opportunity for me to have more conversation with him
Is she abusing her meds? This sounds like dead bang amphetamine psychosis.
“Fuck around and find out” but in a different sense.
I think this will blow up one way or another, either way you need a paternity test first and pray it comes out false.
I guess OP could ask her why she gave it and if that's her answer then it's okay. Any other answer probably not so okay.
If you break up with someone, you’re telling them not asking them. You still file tax returns as single, you are not legally obligated to be with him and no one can force you to stay in a relationship. Tell him that you are done and it’s not up for discussion, and return anything that’s his at the same time you do this. Block him in everything. Inform him that if he does not leave you alone you will involve law enforcement and if he continues then you will get a restraining order so he is legally required to leave you alone. Be firm, don’t cave, and tell him you are absolutely through. It’s unfair you have to go through this much, but you need to be free from this psychologically unhealthy behavior.
There has to some sort of “penance” by her for her sake. She feels guilty because she is guilty and it’s a real nasty thing to do to a man.
However, if she hadn’t done it how & when she did, you’d not have the son that you have so let her know you are grateful for how everything turned out.
Forgiveness will come and trust will build again but she needs to back up her “apology” with more than words.
This. OP listen to this persons wisdom
You don't try to break it, you embrace it. You could still love him and make it work. Just don't make that move. You have to try and make work here.
The cost is about right for a US wedding consisting of 150 or more guests. My problem would not be the expense of the wedding, it would be her ultimatum. The wedding is the hill she would allow your relationship to die on? What type of ultimatums will the rest of your life be subject to?
Don't take offense to this, but why haven't you confronted this woman?
Porn is natural? Masturbation is, porn isn’t. Also, they did agree on it. And breaking promises hurts the other person, probably more than what it’s about itself
Nah. I meant her.
You are allowing yourself to fall for another guy and are chosing the way of least resistence. This is not how marriage works. If you want to make yourself and your husband miserable, by all means go for it but i would suggest you try anything in your power to turn the game around and work on that marriage at the risk of it ending. So confrontation until you are satisfied. Keep pushing for better change, not for just him to change but for genuinity and honesty. Be responsible and accountable.
At least then you knew you tried everything and at least then, when the divorce happens, no one can be blamed for cheating and you will not hate yourself for it for the next 10 years.
Its her choice. Move on
You are right, she doesn't. But it also seems like she's not trying to leave it either sadly. So you have to decide, who's mental/physical and emotional health is more important. Yours or hers. Again, you have to understand, as had as it is to leave a toxic ex, it is ultimately their own personal choice/decision.
So I just checked out the other post and the one thing that stands out is why you like him. When we have a rough time – I don't even know how to word the awful things you've been put through – and are trying to heal, we are susceptible to just wanting to be loved. It's understandable. I mean, who doesn't?Dating someone just because they show an interest in you is no reason to reciprocate.
Take it slow. Try to get to know him to see if you really do like him as a person. Or do you just like his attention? Is he someone you want in your life beyond just reading stories? Are you compatible? He might be better suited as a good friend.
I’m also Jewish, and kinky af. This is gross to me.
I wasn’t insulting. Very matter of fact really. But if you saw my comments as insulting, l really think you would benefit from aggressive treatment of yorj mental health rather than making a “forever alone” post
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I think you need to spend some time with yourself. From your comments, it seems you raised your siblings. It looks to me like a parent/child type of relationship is what you are most familiar with. But this isn’t a good dynamic when trying to have a partner relationship. You set yourself up to be his mommy he gets to have the sexy times with….and that’s kinda…..ew.
Either a roommate situation, OR (hear me out, this idea seems to scare people) live alone in a 1 bedroom or studio apartment for 6 months to a year. Give yourself a chance to see life without siblings underfoot. Read a whole book, or do a big puzzle with tiny pieces. Try out your life without feeling responsible for anyone but yourself for a while. Get to know the amazing person that is….YOU, without that person being defined and shaped by the desires of other people.
I'm going to say she found someone else.
Simply, I'm in same situation as boyfriend. Had surgery during covid and gained 84lbs Just if it's in budget buy him some new trainers and suggest a 60 min walk after every date
So he said he thinks he’s smarter than you, are you going to prove it by staying with him?
I'm nearly 30 and my new boyfriend is nearly 32. He is a virgin. We are planning to have sex when the time is right. I am being patient with him, and we are learning things about each other both sexually and non-sexually. He didn't have a girlfriend until he was 23 and he didn't have any between her and me. Other “almosts” did not work out and never became official. You are not alone there.
I was a technical virgin until I was almost 21 and I had much the same feelings as you do here. I understand and your feelings are valid. It's common to feel lost and forgotten and insecure at this time in your life when there's probably way less structure and direction than there was when you were a kid/minor.
And there is nothing wrong with you at all 🙂
Sadly, you will never be able to change the BF you have into the BF you want.
If your BF hasn't matured enough to assume responsibility for his adult life by age 28, I don't think it's ever going to happen. If you stay, and eventually marry him, you can expect to be mothering this man-child for the rest of your days. Your children will learn from your example, and adopt similar expectations for their own future relationships.
Will your BF have a rough time of it, after you break up? Absolutely. But you are not obligated to sacrifice your own authentic life and future happiness, in order to ensure that your BF can cruise through life without any work or family responsibilities. And perhaps if you leave him, he will be forced to assume his place in the adult world. As long as you are willing to cover everything for him, why should he ever want to change his easy, undisciplined, all-expenses-paid lifestyle?
Of course you share a lot of interests and life goals. You've been his friend and lover for 11 years, so obviously you are compatible on many levels. But you will find equal or greater compatibility with a more responsible and mature man, once you break up with this guy. And if losing your virginity to him is keeping you stuck, I'd recommend talking to a professional therapist about ways to get yourself unstuck. If your feelings of guilt are tied to religious beliefs, please talk to your spiritual adviser about it as well. They may offer far more forgiveness than you grant to yourself, especially if you tell them the whole story about why you are so unhappy in this relationship. Good luck, I hope you can achieve escape velocity soon!
She's putting both of you in danger. If you are trying for a baby right now, it might be a good idea to stop before you are permanently tied to her.
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My wife and I haven’t shared a bed for sleeping in years. It’s better. We both sleep better. We both are more rested. We still have regular sex.
Time while you’re asleep is not quality or bonding time as a couple.
I appreciate this comment. He does have ADHD and it is not medicated or being treated really right now.
I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 30, never once screamed at a partner ever (still haven't either).
Hasn't for years as far as I'm aware. I'm not sure if he would acknowledge how I feel….I tend to avoid talking about triggers around him.
That's called “walking on eggshells”, it's unsustainable and soul destroying.
When I calmly confronted him about his yelling at me, blaming me for the septic problem…I was standing up for myself, but also wary it could be a trigger…he got angry and said he'd scream at me again if necessary. I will avoid that topic now. It's definitely a trigger.
Everything's a “trigger” for abusive assholes.
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A man has every right to say NO TO SEX. If she gets mad and breaks up with you it only shows her immaturity. I've dealt with similar situation in the past where my ex got upset with because I turned her down. She couldn't understand the fact that I was busy working yet when she wants me to understand she can say No when she's busy. Needless to say that relationship didn't work out. I your case you should be glad that you saw her true colours this quick. Imo it's better that she's not in your life. Move on and get in relationship with a girl who's understanding of your situation.
She is extremely polite and literally the type of girl any mother would want their son to date. My mom does have other children in the house and I asked her if she liked my girlfriend and she said does and it has nothing to do with her and that she does. I guess it could be because she’s afraid of losing me because I am serious about her but this is only gonna set us further apart.
If you feel like that, then tell her you don't see it going anywhere. But if she decides to meet up, she could also have decided you are a priority and actually set something up. But you know her better than us, and know more of the time span (if she couldn't meet up for 4 months and had an excuse every time, that's different than 3 weeks).
Also delete her pictures. It could be a scam. A man contacts you saying he is her father and she is underage and you now have child porn and must pay him to not report you to the police. Some men freak out and pay but the “father” then demands more money. If that happens, just reply that the pictures are gone and you have reported him to the police for attempted blackmail. He will lose you real fast.
You're not as in the right as you think you are.
Legal or not… you actively know how they feel about it, but you are making the choice to come around them high and basically sneak out to smoke. Kinda disrespectful
Okay for a real answer sometimes the answer is to initiate non- sexual physical intimacy first.
My wife is very receptive to backrubs or cuddling before escalating. Perhaps it’s better than a cold open.
Ofcourse the other consideration might simply be mismatched libidos or ideas of what sex is supposed to be.
Im pretty sure ive read before that Chlamidia can lie dormant for years, even decades. Dont rush to accuse your husband of anything, seek medical advise and counseling on what the chances are that either of you was infected long ago. He should also get tested.
Do yourself a favor and listen to the comments/ yourself and leave already It doesn't matter if you both “have permission” to go though eachothers phones, what matters is that you feel the need to have to. You yourself said the relationship has trust issues. He's trying to hide stuff from you, and it's about his ex too
Why the flying fuck are you in this relationship because there's obviously no communication or trust. Is the sex just that good?
I'm sure you're also the kind of person to call someone moronic for not wanting to be with a transsexual, yet alone anyone obese or of a different race.
It's 10000% okay to have preferences in who you date without being a bigot.
I bet you wouldn't date someone who's 20 years older than you, nor someone who's 10 years younger.
You probably wouldn't date someone who's a republican.
You probably don't date people who “hate owning pets.”
These are all preferences, and we are entitled to them. Don't be a hypocrite.
Yeah, I did that for 5 years. Once I stopped putting up with it, I was immediately replaced. You're a seat filler.
To be fair, OP didn’t actually “catch” her in a lie… she told him. If it had been me, I probably would have taken that to the grave. Also, unless there has been any actual infidelity in the 5 years they were dating, I would say OP really needs to think about if he can get past this. It was before they were exclusive, and she choose OP over the other guy, who really just sounds like a F buddy for her.
You should be alert I would suggest.
So did I. People jump on literally any opportunity to accuse others of dehumanization. like there’s literally no ill will in OPs comment whatsoever
Ewwww. Dude, everything about this is nasty. I wouldn't be able to touch her knowing all this. Not normal. Not clean. Gross.
To dump your bullshit on her in order to feel better…
I would take the break and probably not look back. If his “looker” is such that he can't adjust his attraction to you gaining some weight (undefined), I do not see the long term vitality here. It seems he prefers someone thinner. If that is not what you are, and not what you aim to be, staying with him, even under a “break” is toxic for you. All you are reinforcing is that someone you care about does not feel attraction towards you. God forbid you ever change in the future- seems like he will be holding a scale over your head.
Who needs that shit?
You are better off taking stock of yourself on your own and start maximizing what you do have to offer, to a whole bunch of other people who don't share in his preferences and who see beauty and loveliness through a less restrictive lens.
Your boyfriend doesn't like to mess with people. Your boyfriend likes to be an asshole. Stop hiding behind “it was just an edgy joke” and call it for what it is. He's a dick, doing dick things and you're there enabling him.
Your friends understand him perfectly. It's why they don't like him. Take heed.
I have ADHD too…
Also you’re not Op, so why are you answering for them????
Yeah, I agree the panic about divorce is purely selfish concern about paying alimony and child support with his successful business in mind.
Wow… what a depressing thought. However, if she was willing to use it as coercion, then he would still be able to take care of himself. I don't see her saying, “Marry me or pay your own bills.” And he's not 100 percent relying on her.
The only reason she would be his “meal ticket” is if he just doesn't want to work. If the relationship becomes unsustainable, he can still walk away. But they have no kids, he is not trapped, and they are both satisfied with their dynamic. I see no coercion there.
Eliciting reactions to make things worse is a bad idea. I acknowledge I'm hurt. More heartbreak is what I'm trying to avoid to get to closure. I wasn't sure that no contact/distancing would be less painful than facing them and simply saying we can't continue as friends and walking away.
But I agree that the most difficult thing is the best route sometimes. I think your distancing approach is sound. Thanks for your reply.
While yes, the only way to be sure he knows how you feel is to speak up yourself — any man with a sense of empathy would've understood that wasn't the time to put a move on you.
But even that's giving him some credit for being ignorant, when he wasn't. He knew what he was doing.
Laughable excuse, too: He got you on your knees to give him oral so you would feel good. Yep. Okay.
Now you know what “anytime you need a friend, I'll help you” means to this guy.
I feel like putting this responsibility on yourself is akin to victim blaming. For example, now that the other girl knows he was taken, she or he might blame you for ruining both relationships. But you didn’t ruin anything. He ruined everything when he chose to cheat on and deceive two women. Don’t let him blame you for the consequences of his own actions. He knows he’s dying, and this is what he chose to do with the time he has left. If he didn’t want to go out like this, then he shouldn’t have done it.
They hadn't talked for a decade, they go to move in together, and then she pops up pregnant. If they were closer I might understand more. But they weren't close at all. Family is an obligated to do shit. Her body her choice, their lives, their choices.
Are you serious?? Is this real? Please dump this loser and find someone who will cherish you and build you up.
Yeah… She sees it. And she calls him out on it too, which he doesn't like. He's thinking about quitting couples therapy because he doesn't feel heard. I told him we can switch therapists but I think we need to continue in therapy, even if it's with someone else.
I will definitely try to ask him “”You have made your opinion clear, you don't want me to drink at all. But that isn't what I want, and when I say that, you punish me by withdrawing your affection and giving me the silent treatment. How that is not trying to control me?” I really like how you worded that…
He said that he does it so that he doesn't say things he will regret or because he doesn't want to be around me. My therapist said that I should ask him “What is it that you are afraid of saying to me in those moments?” But I'll ask him that. Thanks for the advice!
I was looking for this ? I found it very weird that OP expects all women to have bad cramps/period symptoms. Until I was like, 30, I had little to no symptoms at all beyond the obvious. I also would be kinda uncomfortable talking about it at dinner + with my partners family member I've never met. I also don't really get why the sister felt the need to tell OP about it because of this conversation either?? Just say the girlfriend doesn't have period symptoms if you must say anything at all?? This whole thing went wrong at every turn
“Why shouldn’t I?”
Because you are supposedly in a committed relationship. She wasn’t with you when she slept with them. If you have a problem with it you should leave instead of putting her at risk for STIs.
She’s not the shitty one here. You are.
Yes, tell her so she can know who you truly are.
She sounds bipolar.
Why reply to me say the same thing I said and telling me to try again. I guess that college education was wasted on you!
So what exactly do you want to do?
You said you want him to spend 70% of his free time with you—which seems excessive to me—but you don’t say what you want to do in that time.
I (44F) can’t imagine spending 70% of my free time doing things with my partner-especially if it was limited to watching TV or videos or something.
One date night a week seems pretty reasonable. That’s how we do it. Friday night is our night and we play a game, play music, have some drinks and hang out. The rest of the week, we usually have dinner together and then he plays his games or watches shows and I do my volunteer work or hobby or meet up with a friend.
We do sleep in the same room usually but sometimes I like to stay up later so I might sleep on the couch to avoid waking him on a work night.
I dunno. I guess I’m unclear on what you actually want from him.
I can’t because he gutted them and has them full of junk, I expected him to continue renting the units as he had been doing for 20+ years and give me the money to pay the expenses and he can keep the rest and the property tax was $4,500 now they’re $11,000 because there was a reassessment
I don’t think this is over for him. He’s certainly not acting like a doormat. He’s got kids. Not easy to break up a family His wife is still having an emotional affair. If she doesn’t quit her job the affair continues underground.
That’s him gearing up for him to say you did it. You need to leave immediately and report it to the police and doctors. The longer you wait the more likely it is going to seem like you have something to hide. Request drug testing for him, yourself and your child.
She is treating you like garbage. Send her ass packing and move on. Don't go for a “heart to heart” just pack your shit and leave and ghost her. She doesn't deserve the kindness of sit down talk and understanding of one another. She deserves a cold harsh cut right down the middle. Let her understand that being a cheater has consequences. Also make sure you tell all your friends she cheated on you so she can't turn the narrative around and try to make herself look like the victim (cheaters love this tactic so you have to be honest with your friends first or the truth will die before it has a chance).
She is the one who doesn't care for you and is incapable of being honest and incapable of not betraying you. You want to forgive her so she can do it again but not get caught this time? Seriously stop being a doormat and leave her out in the dust. She does not deserve a place in your life. She does not respect or love you. She gets off having this “secret” and being able to have her cake and eat it too. If you forgive her she will see that as a win and just keep cheating. Stop thinking about giving her anything but the boot.
I mean I tell my nieces they have nice smiles.
A compliment can just BE a compliment.
I agree that I she's likely it reading too much into it because she wants her feelings to be reciprocated.
Dude come on seriously
Surely this man who goes after his 18yo’s who work for him is a great guy. For sure
Ask her for food. Then the competition since a person may not be comfortable with that.
I think I'd give up on him. If you ask a bf for understanding and help and they don't respond your in a bad relationship.
Oh OK. Is it common to use them this way to prevent infidelity? That screams psycho to me. Literally caging someone's body part so they can't get it sucked.
this perfectly highlights the different parenting styles of men and women and why having both parents in the home is CRITICAL to a child’s rounded developments. I wouldn’t worry too much about it if he is being challenged by you at least. I think it only becomes an issue when he starts beating you and she’s doing the same thing. And idk I guess it technically Is lying to you, but pick your battles man, on the scale of F’d up this is like a 1/10. She is probably concerned about him hating chess if it’s too very hot at first.
Me(38M) and my girlfriend(29F), Alimony and child maintenance money – what would make her feel better?
Based on his response, I’d walk away from the whole package tbh. He’s either playing games or not mature/communicative enough for an adult relationship. Neither bode well for a long term partner.
I would tell him “I’m looking for a serious boyfriend with long term potential. Given your response, our goals don’t align. I have no desire to manipulate/pressure you into something you don’t want or to waste either of our time, therefore this relationship has run it’s course. Goodbye and best wishes”
Well, the first time was a discord channel I’m admin of, so when he posted there he wasn’t doing so behind my back lol. It was intentional to hurt me and I called him out on it and made sure he knew it wasn’t okay at the time. At which point he deleted the post.
She keeps mentioning how much the groom wants her there. Seems sketchy af seeing as how he had paid for her flight to the wedding
Yeah that was a concern, that’s why we were thinking about just marriage, we wanted some kind of commitment to each other.
I think it’s totally fine for you to want to be stimulated mentally and to find intelligence important and attractive, and if he can’t give you that and it annoys you already a year in, it’s only going to get worse.
UpdateMe!
You should really figure out what you want in a relationship and what you really feel because this post is contradicting. Keep in mind no one will fit your perfect idea of a match but it comes down to if you can accept them who they are or not. Honestly it reads as though you’re saying it’s attractive but I don’t see us together, which is alright not everyone is a match.
Did he do the test if he has the HPV virus? I really really don't believe so.
If it were me, I would. Talk to him man to man, if he still says no then let her go.
They fucked and she's obviously still very much in touch with him.
Are you okay with this?
He won’t pay her back, he can’t even pay rent and is at a point of debt collectors coming after him.
If you're the person asking forgiveness- doesn't matter what the situation is- you are NOT the person who gets to dictate the terms on which any forgiveness is provided.
The only caveat is that the forgiver needs to be up front about what the terms are and how long they need, and if they don't know, they should say so. The person asking to be forgiven then has to decide if they're willing to stay in the relationship on those terms or not.
If your friend wasn't clear about it from the beginning it's understandable, but he should try being clear now that forgiveness requires that the wife be an open book until he feels like he can trust her again, however long that takes. If she thinks she's entitled to absolute trust and privacy just because she's said she's sorry, then she's not taking his forgiveness on the (entirely reasonable) terms it's being offered and the relationship is over.
No one is wrong per se. But it’s her money right? So why can’t she just go look at it? Or you two make a weekend out of it?
Don’t hurt yourself more down the road man. Even if it was a one time thing, the thought that she could go off with someone else will still linger in your mind
Her intentions are crystal clear…???????
+Post addition: My cousin doesnt want to come back his home. He wants to live foreign country. But his wife doesn't want to online foreign country.
She likes my character as a man
Why are you with this guy again?
He raped her.
She's an adult. There isn't much they can do. If her parents aren't doing anything about it, then it's not your place to either.
He literally watches porn he probably thinks it’s an excuse because he’s a guy either way don’t spend your time with someone who thinks the double standard should be legit.
Didn’t know? Did she accidentally stumble fully very hot into a boudoir photoshoot when she stepped out of the shower?
The only way this went down because two adults consented to it. They talked about this and both agreed this was a great idea. The “gift” intention is thinly veiled since it sounds like it was his friends idea more than hers.
Why would a grown man want anything to do with someone who just got out of high school? Seriously, think about it. And no the answer isn't that you're mature, cool, good looking etc. It's because you're easy to manipulate. You're legally an adult, but you have no real life experience, especially not compared to a 41 yr old.
Yes, just block him and go.
As someone with a father who is just like this. The more you do, the more he will take advantage of.
He won't ever change, if you have kids, he'll try to get the kids to do his share.
Oddly specific comparisson.
Asked if she has considered cheating because of it.
Then, ask her if she has done it.
Talk it out if you care to continue your relationship.
Choice time. Did “for better or for worse” include the rider “as long as i like the sex and you do what I want you to do”? She said no more than once, right? Do you think she is just holding out for a better offer?
Maybe it’s time to plan some time apart. A solo visit to family or a girls trip. Let him manage on his own and don’t clean for him when you get back.
You made your bed.
Unfortunately for you, you get to lie in it. Welcome to consequences.
Your apology shifts the blame onto her by your suggestion that she didn't support you enough and that's why you were such an ass. Hell nah, she's not coming back after that.
It really depends on what you want to see happen. You might be able to salvage the relationship if you both quit drinking,are both in therapy, and both working and contributing financially. Revisit the topic of porn in therapy with a professional that can see the situation without any bias or preconceived notion, mutually decide if either of you can or will budge on the subject.
If this sounds like too much (because this WILL be a lot of work on both parts), boot her out and be done with her. Those are the only two realistic avenues.
Have you tried counseling for both you and your husband? It might take some time but seeing someone at their lowest might warrant the need for some help. Separation alone just gives them more free time to not focus on the family.
NOTHING excuses treating your partner like garbage, which is what you’ve been doing and are constantly trying to justify. If your life is too difficult to treat your girlfriend well- YOU SHOULDNT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW.
To realize you were the last option…that totally sucks
I believe that could be the case. I know he smokes weed, but I'm not aware of anything else. He's never acted that erratic before and this wasn't something that simple weed could've led to.
You've done nothing wrong my guy. Stand your ground and be firm in it. Don't take any bullshit from either. You have your justification – explain it a million times if you have to – but don't back down. You're an individual thsf deserves respect and compassion as much as them. You have gone above and beyond and have done everything you could – you are just in an insanely tight bind. Ask them to be in your shoes and if neither can empathize you have a whole life of problems ahead of you
Ahh no. Because we love and trust each other. Besides. I don’t need those things to validate myself anyway so it’s a moot point. Immature people will often distort reality and overreact to simple interactions.
High functioning or not if you have children with this man one day do you trust him to not drink in front of the kids, not pass out? Is this someone you really want in your life and something to deal with 15 years from now?
Your title is very misleading because you are actually referring to an ex, not a current boyfriend. Either way, let it go. He's an ex.
HOLY SHIT reddit just erase half the fucking comments, can't read shit
Perfect response.
I hate to say it but it definitely sounds like money has changed things for her. You do need to protect yourself here. I’m not saying she absolutely would do something devious, but you never know. The fact that she expected you to buy her a car or support her full-time without a job kind of sounds like her expectations for your relationship have radically changed.
I think you’re right. I like the dog. The ex seems generally nice when I see him, briefly. But the hiding meeting yo with him is not something I think I can handle.
The whole situation is toxic. Anybody who’s involved in a relationship like that becomes toxic. I know I was part of one and when I got out I went to therapy and I didn’t date for a year and then I started dating normally and married a really good guy and had a kid.
I don’t think there is anything you can do until you know what’s really bothering him. That’s gotta be the starting point.
Yea… bc she has no boundaries…. she if she doesnt see this as a problem its bc shes complacent. Do not let her go on this holiday w him… there is NO reasonable excuse for ger to need to do so and if she fights that its most likely bc she is either planning on or already cheating. If thats the case her telling you bits and pieces of him flirting may be to ease her guilt…
So no word of god for you…?
At 35, that's a ridiculous argument. I teach kids that age, and yes, they are often mature for their age, but they have little in common with someone in their 30s. Different life stages, different timelines, maturity and life experience gap.
If she's an adult, accept that she dresses the way she wants. Don't be a controlling jerk.
I am sure it won’t be easy, but he’s a grown man of 35. He’s your boyfriend, not your child. He has only himself to blame for the situation.
You don’t owe him anything – offering to get him set up is kind but why does he need his decade-younger girlfriend to pay his way? If he needs to rehome his pet, that’s on him to figure out.
Do you have friends you can stay with? I moved out temporarily and gave my ex a deadline to be out of the apartment. You may need to put it in writing and I would be upfront with your landlord. Unfortunately, most physical abuse starts as emotional/verbal, and this is the most dangerous time. Depending when your lease is up, you could find a new place and move out.
The only cruel thing here is the way he treats you. Please remind yourself of that – he CHOSE to refuse therapy and knowingly hurt the girlfriend who pays his rent. And realistically therapy doesn’t usually make abusers less abusive. If it does, it takes YEARS. He chose to get a logistically tricky pet that he can’t afford to care for. That’s his responsibility, not yours. He is using guilt as a way to control you, and weaponizing your own caring nature against you. So don’t back down when he makes tons of empty promises, which he will. Actions have consequences. And sometimes those consequences are having to put your big boy pants on at age 35 and stop leeching off your 25 year old girlfriend.
He saw you were in a spot to be taken advantage of, and now here you are. Go live a single life for a little while, you'll appreciate that you did. Try 1 year as a single adult. I think everyone should. Before you get into relationships with people who don't appreciate who you are, you should appreciate who YOU are, first.
It changes everything. It’s literally a chemical variable. I’m sure you find things that your partner does to be really annoying, nothing wrong with that. I just want her to stop the drinking honestly. But she doesn’t even drink everyday, it’s like once or twice a week.
How tf is that “looking out for her”? It just screams jealousy tbh
So rather than being upset about this do something about it my dude.
Tell her that what she said made you feel insecure because it's very close to what you currently make. There is no way that she could know that.
Second, if you feel that your pay is low the only one who can change that is you.
There are laws about cutting out your living spouse from wills – I know it varies by state but definitely not as easy as saying “and my wife gets nothing”
All you were saying is that everyone has a past and if this guy is going to love the OP, then he has to accept that.
While I don't agree that it's easier to find bad men, I definitely agree that she had a life before he came along and that 4 or 5 partners are not the big deal he is making it out to be.
Let him know he can't move in. He needs to get his own place now, even if it puts off your living together down the road.
Are you seriously saying “why would I do the same thing I've already done?” My dude.
There's literally a saying in the US “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”
Crazy stuff happens but it only happens in Vegas, you don't bring that baggage home with you. It's a “get it out of your system” kind of thing. Not everyone treats Vegas that way but there's a stereotype that people do, and will.
However, many people go to Vegas and have an extremely banal time, a little gambling, go to bed, leave the next morning. It's not always any kind of problem.
You definitely have different values. I'm reading your post and everything you're “worried” about I keep thinking “so what?” “Why does it matter if that happens?”
I'm atheist, you're religious, so we may have entirely different points of view, but from my point of view, she's her own woman, she's not yours, she can do whatever she wants. It's up to you if you like her for who she is. Or not.
This isn't a 'get out of system' thing. This is who she is, right here, right now, so to speak. Do you like it or not? Can you live with it or not?
We can't tell you if she's going to cheat, we don't know her. Plenty of people go to Vegas and don't cheat.
If it matters to you that she drinks, then it matters, and if she drinks, then she's not your type of person. You have boundaries. You don't want someone that drinks. If you'd rather be alone than with someone that drinks, that is your choice. What is not your choice is trying to push her into not drinking if she wants to drink. If she wants to drink, that's her choice. It's your choice what YOU do about it, not what SHE does about it.
I know if the shoe was on the other foot she would’ve broken up with me
You know this? If she'd break up with you over you doing to her what she did to you, then what else would she break up with you for? How is that a secure relationship with a future? Are you going to have to constantly dodge and weave between potential reasons for her to break up with you? Is that what you want?
Your entire vibe from your post is that you're looking for someone to confirm that you should break up with her. That's not our choice to make. But I can say that I recognize that you're struggling to make that choice. It seems like that's what you want.
You don't trust your GF. You don't even seem to like her or her choices. Why are you sticking around?
I work shifts and my partner has a regular schedule job so we aren't on the same schedule half the week but this doesn't cause issues for us. It's strange he doesn't want you to touch him do you not cuddle or have sex often?
I was actually referring to the job opportunity she found for her husband. No new job will transform his crappy personality.
Don't interact with Bob. Let him drown on his own.
Get Out
You seems to be so aware of how your wife so your laundry XD
This kind of nonsense doesn't stop as long as you are under the same roof. You need to stop living together. This needs to happen yesterday. If he won't leave then you should.
Do you live together? Does he contribute to other household bills?
All you can control is your self, not the relationship, not his responses…
But from the sounds of things he's comfortable with a relationship that he deems nonthreatening. Another woman. In Polyamory we call this a “one penis policy” and it's a deal breaker for a lot of reasons, but mostly the assumptions that go along with it.
A woman isn't “threatening” because they're no dick so he's Top Dick. WLW relationships aren't as deep or connected as MLW. WLW sex isn't sex because there's no penis involved.
etc etc etc.
He's very likely thinking with his little brain, and about you with another very hot woman, and probably hoping he can watch or join in on the action… which is called unicorn hunting for a reason.
Please consider heading over to the poly.land site and reading up before you take this further.
She pretty much told you what she Is going to do, like it or not. If she's not okay with you flirting why does she expect you to be okay with her flirting. I say this is a make or break situation. Like you said, “If things were different.” So basically, your safe so she can string you along until she hooks another one. If she insists then let her know that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and if she flirts, you flirt. You're not her doormat.
This was said perfectly.
Are you actually for real????? WTF is wrong with you
I’m happy to give H her number and if he is interested he can reach out.
And dam right:
They’re adults, they can do whatever they want.
Passing the phone numbers along is enough of a favor. The rest is up to them to sort out.
Tell your bf that he is making an issue out of nothing, and throwing groundless assumptions your way. Put your foot down a little and convey that you're not enjoying is attitude.
You gave them their number so they can get in contact. That is plenty.
Well that’s not your problem though, is it? You do nothing. Let her decide.
If she is an introvert I could buy this but it sounds like new behavior that screams cheating to me or she is just over the relationship. I would get petty.
“You want space? We haven't seen each other in two weeks, take all the time you need.” Then I would block her and mail her all of her shit.
Ty I will do
You are separated, and she has obtained “a house for me and my kids” — that does not include you.
How does continuing to sleep with you but taking steps to separate your lives help her “repair herself” and “heal emotionally”? Maybe a question to ask in counselling.
If she can hang out with your friends including your friend that doesn’t like her then why can’t she invite someone she has known that is there to join your group. I bet that friend that doesn’t like her is a female “friend” that you are disregarding your GF about. You’re too busy worried about a guy thar isn’t around her versus the friend that is around you that is being inappropriate. Find out what’s up with your friend first.
You’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that you and your husband had this two child idea before the traumatic experience happened. He’s not on board with going through that again, which is completely understandable and smart since he recognizes he couldn’t cope, especially if something happened to you.
It’s going to take time for you to mourn the idea of a second child. But don’t let this keep you from enjoying your little family or allow resentment to build. There’s no guarantee your children would have been best friends, so that alone isn’t a reason to bring another child into the world. But your husband’s reasoning for not wanting more children is spot on. Therapy for you both might be a good option.
Lipstick on some assholes dick is not “proof” of anything.
Take up a new shared hobby! It's a great way to learn new things about your partner and have fun together.
Also generally speaking working on something with some one can invite flirting and increase attraction.
Ignore John. You keep being cousin to cousin.
Ok now I looked at post history too and I’m wondering why she says she’s been married 6 years, but two years ago in a post she claimed that she was engaged.
I think I will
I was thinking about that, and I will do It, i'm already applying for new jobs
Sometimes a messy house is just a messy house.
Confucius, probably
Stop talking to them about your plans or the money. It’s yours. Cut them off
Thank you. I'll do so in a few days. I need to plan what to say.
I dont mind at all. I definitely enjoy looking too ?‍♀️
So tired of seeing “He cheated but I love him how can I make this work.” like bffr
Just focus on the fact that you're with him now.
If he's not constantly bringing her up or pining about her then I think he has made his peace with it and moved on.
Don't sell sabotage the relationship by second guessing why he's with you and having insecurities.
There are lots of people that we can fall in love with and we'd probably be happy with any of them.
I personally could probably name 5 people right now that I would be quite happy to have them as a girlfriend even if therr is still a person in the number one or number two spot.
You are the best in his eyes and that's what matters to him
sounds to me like you’re failing to admit what really happened
This is so shady. I'm sorry, but it seems that she is lying. Anyway, it is not a normal relationship when you need to control her location all the time. You do not trust her already. And you have reasons for it.
Alcohol makes us make mistakes, and if she is a serial drinker, it could induce these situations more. She didn't admit to any cheating for now, and this is not great. She didn't take responsibility for her actions and didn't make any changes for the better (as it seems).
If you are planning to forgive her, she needs to ask for it first. Admit in her infidelity and lies. Promise and take AA meetings or/and counselor. It needs to be done by her. Not you. If not, you need to move on with the lawyer.
bruh what the hell u on ab
That’s what I’ll do. In all honestly I’m not doing this for us but for her and her family. I want to show support even though we’re not together anymore.
Have you had your testosterone levels checked? That’s a common problem as men age. Just a suggestion- not your doc
She denied what?
Hey I get it, you want to be open and allow people to be who they are bu in reality you have been with him a year. Don't move in with people who differ so much from you until you know more about them. I mean what was his plan before you? How did he problems solve that or was he always looking for someone to take care of him?
I don’t think that’s what OP meant. I think they just feel like it’s not something that she necessarily need to know since their finances aren’t combined, much less they also don’t live together. By the “dynamic” I feels he just means he’s afraid she will maybe change her attitude about paying for (any?)thing(s) and possibly being/feeling taken advantage of.
You need to film him while he’s doing this, and play it back to him, so he can see how ridiculous he’s being. Then tell him to grow up and cut it out.
Do the same, LOL.
Dump his ass.
Well then, she can fuck right off
Great response
Now I can say that having an abusive partner is always a bad thing, so breaking it with them is always a good thing. But, I think you'll need to do it in such a way that their feelings aren't hurt to the point of worse abuse. I'm an amateur poet and wrote a Break up poem for someone before, but it was never given to the person. All I can say is state your feelings and thoughts about the relationship to your bf, and if he doesn't agree to end things then find a way to break it off with him
Is interesting* that he switched the story…
I appreciate the advice, trust is a big thing in relationships which is why she came to me in the first place. Hopefully moving forward we don’t have this issue again and have more open communications