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Thank you, you too ❤️
Ross Geller is typing
You deserve better than that. Leave.
Ummm who said it was multiple people ??? it was only 2 people where did you get that from?
I've a relatively similar story, but I was in your boyfriends position. Also her family barely spoke English, so it was crazy insulting when they ignored my request, so then not be able to speak to me (so not exactly the same).
Once my girlfriend learned that I would be comfortable in the native language we slowly transitioned into it. It's hot to switch a base language you use with someone. So don't force it too much.
It's helpful that if he comes into a room, don't change the language being spoken, just keep going. This is just in general, not just with family.
Anyway, I probably have a few more tips if your interested, but these were the biggest.
He'll get over this initial thing, just don't make a big deal out of it.
Its your home and you agreed to host a friend of theirs – not their other partner. Your husband has been clear that he doesn’t want to meet their outside partners, its rude of them to try and trick him this way.
They need to respect his boundary and come without the partner or not come at all.
I know it can be awkward – my parents are married but they each have their own other partner. Its definitely awkward meeting them although I like them both.
We are not married.
And I am happy for you.
I have also not experienced these issues in this relationship.
Bringing her husband over first. then ambushing her. She thinks we are gonna smash.
Block her and her Mom. Your Mom should do the same. She's jerking you around. Life is too short to spend it with someone playing mind games.
My goodness lady you are a mess the guy told you he’s been traumatized so he obviously has issues with sex have some damn respect and stop dismissing his feelings
Please break up with him so he can find somebody that actually likes him
Are you an American citizen was your daughter born here. Things are different when you are born here and you are American citizen it seems like she is using you to come over here and commit immigration fraud just so she can be an American citizen it's not going to happen put her on the f****** curb and go get your daughter
We have done other positions, I more so just want the opportunity to lay on my back and be pleasured rather than doggy style or cuddle fuck
Yeah exactly to him it was just sex, and you’ve “met someone”.
Well relationship become a lot tamer as time goes by (maybe you also have changed your behavior a bit and you haven't notice). It is normal to a point. But being uncomfortable to be seen hot by you might have many explanations. Maybe she stepped on her own boundaries at the start of the relationship showing you her body all the time and now she is trying to put the boundaries back. Maybe she is not in the mood all the time. Or maybe she is trying to distance herself because either she is loosing interested or she is the avoidant type (taking the texts thing into consideration also). From the things you say i assume you might be a bit of an anxious kind of attachment type and she might be the avoidant type. People like that bombard you with love at the start of the relationship but after a while they start distance themselves usually out of fear. Our natural response is to bombard them with attention wich makes them feel even more suffocated. You should give her space . Maybe don't text her goodnight/goodmornig every day. Let her do the first move and reach out for communication/sex/attention. Either she is going to feel comfortable reaching out as much as she wants or she is going to leave because she wasn't the avoidant type I mentioned but she just lost interest. Either way you'll solve the problem.
Who cares if he gets pissed off. End it. You’ve only dated 3 weeks, not 3 years. You’re 20, he’s 30, and he’s already talking marriage. He doesn’t love you. He believes he can control you. If you stay, he’s absolutely right.
How long have you been together? How well do you know each other?
You need to learn to speak up for yourself. If you knew your meal was $4, you could've taken out $10 and said “that's all I can afford”. It's OK for you to say “I can't afford to spend $25 on your family's food”.
I don't know why she would do this or why her family wouldn't pay you back. But asking questions and speaking up for yourself is a good thing. I used to worry that people would be mad at me if I spoke up about things that bothered me. Don't worry about that. Look out for your own best interests and if you feel pressured or don't know what to day in the moment, take a minute to step back and think about what's happening and how you feel about it.
At the cash machine you asked “how much”, when you could've/should've said “I can only afford X”. You have no obligation to pay for her family's food.
Use this as a learning experience and try to think of any other situations where your GF may have taken advantage of you. I don't know that that's her intention, but this whole thing is odd on her part and her family's part, as well.
I hope this helps. Best of luck.
Understood
How am I misusing it?
It's an adverb meaning actually
That isn't really a “woosh”, but go off.
I don't give my boyfriend all he wants but I can say if I see he needs new shoes, I make sure he has a new pair, or a new wallet when his is torn up, I make him food even when I'm tired, and I always make sure his feet are rubbed when he gets home. I know I'm gonna love this child more than anything in my life, he is already my best friend. I make sure my boyfriend has everything he needs, maybe not all he wants. And I explained many times through out these years I was only ever gonna get pregnant and married to one man, because of my childhood. He acts the same, treats me the same before we had any of this come up. It's confusing to know because he will say he doesn't love me and then slip up and say it. I really appreciate your advice.
Can someone pleeeeease explain why everyone in the comment is comparing agreeing to monogamy, with a partner forbidding you to do something in order to keep the relationship.
Those are completely two different things that can't be compared at all.
Why don't you sleep the time you want to sleep. Stop inconveniencing your sleep routine because of your boyfriend. Be firm on your boundaries
It sounds like you need someone who shares your love of an active, outdoorsy lifestyle.
It’s ok to say “there’s nothing wrong with us, but that doesn’t make us *right * for each other.”
your wife’s
I am the wife (Girlfriend) in this situation. My boyfriend's family are the ones that haven't really done Christmas. I tried to keep the genders vague, but in doing so, I believe I confused people.
It’s more about finding a middle ground between your wife’s family and yours.
I am perfectly happy with finding a middle ground right now – the issue I am having at hand is that my SOs (Boyfriend's) mom basically told us that we had to be at her house for Christmas dinner. No planning, just a text several weeks before Christmas. SO is fine doing dinner with their family, and so am I for the most part, but I just don't like that there's a sudden expectation that we have to go there. In previous years, we've talked about having 25th be open for just us. This obviously hasn't been implemented yet, but in trying to figure out future years & be proactive, I suggested setting Christmas with his family on the Saturday before or after Christmas, as over the next few years, Christmas is going to be on a weekday & it will make it hot to figure out 3 Christmases.
Talk to her. Get her perspective. I guarantee you that even if someone else has had this happen before, even if their girlfriend also happened to have depression, that women do not have hive minds and don't all collectively behave the same way for the same reasons.
Hopefully you can get some clarity from her. Best of luck.
I think our only choice is to agree to disagree. As someone who has been 5150’d (involuntarily detained for 72 hours due to a mental health crisis that involved threatening/harming others) I believe mental illness certainly provides an explanation but is never an excuse, especially to hurt a child. Her mental illness is not going to be resolved overnight so the safest thing to do would be to separate her from the kids. Also, it’s Christmas. The kids shouldn’t be subjected to Grandma shaming them over hot chocolate on Christmas. Just my humble take.
As a mother of a two year old I can confirm
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This is so rude. I could see it being controlling if you didn't live! together and he didn't use your car to be needing to know his every move. But that's not the situation and you don't just use someone's property and get an attitude about it. It's also super disrespectful to your partner to leave them up in the air like this. Rude rude rude. I'd break up, tells you a lot about the person. He's a my-way-or-the+highway type, just like your father.
Just read your edit. WTAF!
For one, it's not controlling when you ask him to be home. It's a very common question asking a love one, especially when you live! with him.
How your boyfriend responded was concerning. Are there any other issues going on? It's a simple question, why can't he give you an answer. Is he hiding something? And why does he have to use your car?
Something is going on.
have you ever been to his place?
You should definitely start having opposite sex sleepovers too.
I suppose it would be one thing if it was just a matter of him being bored or overly earnest………..but the thing that concerns me the most is him asking you after ten minutes why you're disappearing.
paranoia, needy, controlling(I very rarely use that word)……
If it's controlling, I can imagine you constantly being put in a position where he feels you need to apologize.
I won't say what you should do regarding this guy, but for me(a guy, if it matters) and a girl was acting like this? Yeah, I can't say I would want this in a relationship.
Nah 7 years meant nothing to him. There’s no coming back from this. He honestly doesn’t deserve another chance, he threw the marriage away & got her pregnant. Get yourself situated & plan your exit
Please please please go to couples counseling before you get married.
Ok but lonely.
This is correct. This is domestic violence.
Where you living now?
Then dump him. If you don’t like this man insulting you then break up with him.
Girl find yourself a man, not a man-child who plans to live! with his parents until they drop dead.
Sounds like you have plans to be an adult, and he clearly has plans to avoid being an adult. This is not the LOYL, it’s an infatuation with the antithesis of you.
wait until he goes to work get your parents to come and help you pack and leave and call the police afterwards to get a restraining order against him
Today I learned I’m an old man.
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If there is no trust there is no relationship anymore.
the feeling of love you have is not for the current gf but the person you thought she was and that person is not anymore thery.
I’m not sure if you are being sarcastic? I don’t mind pets in general it’s the principle of me saying what I did and her doing it.
u dating a cornball lol
Trauma can drive irrational behavior, so I’m withholding judgement for now on “was it a sexual encounter she regrets or not”
That's really fair. I'm just presenting an equally viable occurrence to point out that there's some nominal red flags about this girl. Do I think she's a “hoe”? No. I did reckless things at that age too before I got married. All I'm trying to prove is that OP didn't do anything wrong in what he's doing. I'd ghost a girl like this too, because it's safer to assume that she's out here playing games. If she was assaulted, then she needs to be seeking out a SA counselor and going to the authorities then try to make excuses for a talking situationship.
That’s sweet. I wish you guys the best of luck in your marriage. Do you guys have any similar “unspoken” rules? 🙂
This is my moral dilemma. I am trying to analyze the situation from each angle, considering the cultural differences as well. I understand your two points. I am very “westernized” and I have adapted to the Canadian culture. With that said, my mother lived most of her life in the Soviet Union and left Ukraine after it collapsed. She was upset after I told her what happened. My friend that told me the hurtful things spoken behind my back, lived in Ukraine her whole life. Most refugees I helped at the welcome center were so kind and refused help, even from the food bank because they thought others needed it more. What is the boundary between what is culturally “normal” versus what is rude in every culture?
I am trying to understand why they would speak behind my back and whether something was lost due to lack of context or interpreted differently. She may have been lying as well.
Of course, they did the other things I mentioned in the post but honestly we just glossed over it because we thought it was a different culture and we didn't need to be thanked every time we did something nice. But, I don't think speaking behind someone's back is an acceptable Ukrainian norm.
It's hot without confronting my godmother's son because I don't want to betray my friend. But this is serious, as we are potentially going to stop talking to them so I am really afraid of making the wrong decision and misjudging them based on our cultural differences in what behaviour we believe is acceptable.
Playing Devil’s advocate here, but he had his age set at 26 on a dating app because why not. You can choose who you search for and are most attracted to, if someone that age matches with him then everyones happy.
If once he knew your age he instantly split up with you then fair enough but instead he said he thought you looked very youthful and then carried on with the relationship as normal.
Not everything a guy says is a lie and deceiving. If a guy says how great you are and that he’s not that serious about the age thing maybe he really does think you’re great and isn’t that serious about the age thing.
But ultimately if you’re not attracted to him anymore then break up with him but he hasn’t done anything wrong at all, even morally he’s in a very light grey area at worst.
Stay out of it. Tell your dad to leave you alone. That's his issue, he created it.
By the sounds of it you're wanting to run away because you're not going to get the perfect little life you've envisioned. Kind of an understandable thought but if you love this guy then you have to accept he has a past and a kid he knew nothing about. Best approach this as a team and come to a good understanding in how to move forward.
If his ex has sprung this on you to “ruin” your lives together then don't give her that satisfaction. No one cheated, nothing has really changed. Yea you both have to come to terms with another kid being on the scene but just remember it isn't that kids fault.
Honestly working through therapy together is probably the right way to go.
Only thing I'm curious about is why did his ex wait so long to tell him, that kid deserves better.
I draw a distinct line between “normal for Reddit” and “normal for the world at large”. It’s weird and creepy and will get him fired if he gets caught.
Fewer people actually get married these days. They live! like they are; have kids, buy houses, call each other their spouse, share finances. I kind of get it. Weddings are expensive and divorce is almost a guarantee these days with all the 'me' attitude, the score keeping. If it's important to you though, don't let time continue to drift by without it, don't settle. Either accept what life with him means or give him a deadline and be prepared to walk.
He’s going to hold you back if you stay with him. This is the start of your adult life and the stagnation of his. You don’t want to be in the same place he is 17 years from now.
He should be gone. Absolutely no excuse for this and no justification. Sharing your private finances with others is also unforgivable. I can’t believe the level of disrespect involved with them giving you advice on this and telling you what you have to do, and all without your request. Show him and his mother the door.
I’m willing to bet that story is either fabricated or embellished-not that it was embellished well, seriously? At minimum, he’s blaming you for a non-event “trauma” from his past and excusing truly awful and abusive behaviors by some imaginary fault of another. This isn’t okay
I was onboard with what she said until she made a huge stink about you taking to brother in law about this, that’s a HUGE red flag. If she was innocent, wouldn’t she want to prove her innocence? Why forbid you from talking about this, that’s really weird. I think you already know the truth.
100% this. There is another more deeper reason why he is dumping you. A more selfish reason. But with this excuse he gets to put the blame more in you to avoid being the A-hole. However, he is an A-hole so you should therefore accept this breakup, move out and move forward in your life without him.
You have to be aware of what an awful take that is, right? The guy says he doesn't want to do something that, quite frankly, a great number of people wouldn't be comfortable with.. and your advice is, “Lol do it just because.”
Gtfoh with that. Nobody should do anything they aren't comfortable with, and especially not “just because.” Not all experiences need to be first hand for someone to know it isn't their thing. If you can't offer practical advice, don't offer shit advice in its stead.
Why are people saying im trolling, i want advice , i can send proof to mods if they dm me like vasectomy reports or something
Look around at all the 40 to 50 something overweight mothers.
Can you see yourself with one of them. She will be up and down from now on. More up than down.
You are looking at your future choose wisely!
I was 19 if that helps
You know that in the long term there will never be trust! Do TRUST YOUR GUT! You know the answer because your here! So move, on why would you want her when you are only her second string in reality? She has told you she has a roving eye?
Well, you aren't his side chick. You are his second place side chick. He's not cheating on you, he's cheating on his first and 2nd GF with you.
If you can get their contact info, make sure both of them know about each other than that you were told he was done with them but you can't share with that many others and will be gracefully bowing out.
Pack up and run!
Are you sure her ex is an ex? Sounds like she might be cheating on someone else with you. Otherwise it doesn’t make a lot of sense.
No one is traumatizing anyone on purpose. It's a perfect storm of bad situations combined with some poor decisions. I've owned all my mistakes. I just feel like he won't own his, and that's why we can't move on. He keeps saying he wants to fix our relationship but doesn't know how to forgive me. I've already forgiven him, but I'm still gun shy moving forward in my “attitude” because of his “I don't know, just wait” attitude. It was WAIT to move out. It was WAIT to get married. It was WAIT to start trying normal things like vacations or outings with the kids. It was WAIT for me to feel comfortable with EVERYTHING, but he just never does… so I'm being asked to wait indefinitely. There's no end in sight for a normal relationship. Just an ongoing plea of “wait” from him. He wants me to treat him like everything is okay when he still hasn't forgiven me. And we will never have a wedding. And I'm supposed to remain monogamous while he continues developing his successful relationship with his girlfriend. It's hot to watch them become more and more emotionally intimate while he pulls away from me. And when I've asked to be told less about her and their relationship, he gets upset that I'm forcing him to hide part of his life from me… I just don't feel like ANYTHING I've asked for has happened
How can I not be scared of him at this point?
Ask her what kind of romantic gestures she would like and do that
Contacting your boyfriend's ex is crossing a boundary ….in ordinary circumstances. But you are in circumstances that are far from ordinary. It sounds like you sensed something was really wrong in your relationship, so you reached out to the only person you could think of … his ex. Crossing a boundary? Yes. But I think this boundary needed to be crossed, and your boyfriend's behavior since you contacted the ex has completely validated your decision.
I urge you to reread your third paragraph and pretend a friend of yours wrote it. What would you say to that friend?
She's blameless
Hot disagree. She's working out with another woman's husband without her knowledge and going into their bedroom. That's far from blameless.
It's far more likely to destroy your relationship that do anything else. Personally I think potential “reward” pales compared with probable risk. Perhaps you value your relationship and sex in different proportions than me though.
Yeah that b**** needs a hot reality check.
Was the conversation ‘please list all social media accounts you have?’ Or more ‘oh yeah I’m on tik tok and instagram, not much for Facebook’?
You are parenting your parent. You shouldn't have to and it's no surprise to me that an 18 year old feels some resentment over it. Your mum should understand this too. And she certainly shouldn't be using your feelings to label you a psychopath.
You are not in the wrong here.
this story can't be real it's just too fucking dumb
I don’t know the situation but I do know that sometimes a person will invite one person to a party but assume they will bring their partner. You. Is it all possible that this happened? Otherwise the person was incredibly rude. Really really rude. Obviously your bf did nothing wrong.
so they are not having sex with each other.. which logically means each of them has sex with everyone who‘s not mentioned
I don't think this dude will have the resources to sue her, honestly. Maybe that is a cold, harsh view of it, but he will probably just shrug and go onto the next.
All of which are on OP to weigh the pros and cons of for herself. It’s an option for her (depending on the housing market by her and insurance, it might be a financially feasible one – are they ok with an ok school, move in ready at $400K? Ok school, house needs some loving at $250-300K? Or do they need the best schools that come with a $1.2M price tag? Do they even have such drastic housing ranges in her area?), one that she might prefer if she’s set on staying with him.
Maybe another option is to work at Starbucks for their fertility benefits (I have no idea how good they are in reality, I just know a lot of people with fertility problems will work there for the benefits).
That said, I’m also not for putting all my eggs into one basket so if I were OP, I’d be freezing ~1/4 of my eggs with donor sperm – especially if I went through the whole egg freezing/IVF process in the first place. Obviously, the donor sperm part would need to be disclosed ahead of time but I think it might give OP a sense of “trying everything she could” while staying with him and still giving her a backup option. If he isn’t, oh well she tried.
She doesn't want to know about it. That's her one boundary here. Please don't share this. You need to communicate on the specifics and plan this better, but don't tell her who you're seeing. If it feels wrong, don't do it. Find someone who doesn't feel wrong to be with.
You keep saying he “doesn't understand.” He does understand. He likes treating you like shit and he understands that he can do that. And he's right because you're still here letting him treat you like shit.
Kudos for you for telling him but yeah your relationship is probably over. Long distance relationships are tough but cheating is cheating regardless. Wait for him to text you and give it time. In the meantime I suggest finding some type of distraction or hobby. If he doesn't communicate with you for a month then get the closure of the break-up so you can begin healing and forgiving yourself. There is nothing else you can do, you can't atone for something like this so things can be made right.
This sounds like an unwise way to go. Too confusing. When a couple breaks up, they need distance, not a shared home and dog.
One of you should move out – get a sublettor for the duration. You and your ex can keep in loose touch with an occasional text but no monitoring who sleeps where. That's not healthy.
Wish I had thought of that
I'm curious about your timeline here.
At the beginning, you said you dated for “only a few months”. Fine. But then later, after you talked about these serious convos you had, you said “Over the next couple of months, he…”
This implies you had these serious convos almost from the get-go. Is that true? If so, this might be the problem. Right now, it seems like everybody wants to skip the “dating days” and head straight into something more serious. I can think of several reasons why, but it can create some big problems. Whatever happened to just hanging out and getting to know each other? This is a fun part of dating when 2 people clearly like each other and want to see where it goes. It sounds like you did this, but maybe only for a couple weeks.
When you say the 2 of you talked a lot and had fun, obviously this is a good sign. But when you said that you didn't get into anything personal, this is the part that doesn't add up. Again, though, I'm basing all of this by that original comment about only being together for a few months. Maybe my tl;dr should be how you define “few”!
Anyway, this is what struck me.
Apology accepted. Being nerodivergent does not make it easy for me to know a person's tone through text. I don't know. I don't exactly find it unreasonable I just wish I never came across it. Him not having as high of a sex drive as me for the past few years makes me think its because he has been using this toy instead of actually having sex with me. There have been times where we've gone 3 months without sex. There have been times where I've tried to initiate and he laughs or pulls away. And now after finding this it just kind of sent my mind into a spiral. I would love to be able to just keep this little secret to myself and spare him any potential embarrassment but like I said, I don't want our intimacy to suffer because he'd rather maturbate. Does that make sense?
Just keep some mouth wash by your bed and you and your husband can use the mouthwash to freshen breath or a pack of spirits gum that what i would do
This is horrible advice. That's giving him time to erase evidence. A PI can help.
It depends what you said. Apologies don’t absolve everything. Nobody can give you an opinion on whether it’s been enough or not without knowing exactly what they’re saying about you. And I mean everything, not just cherry picking one or two examples.
You have a right to see her, they have a right to make rules in their house. Do I think those rules are ridiculous? Yep. But unfortunately that’s the negative byproduct of living under someone’s roof.
Yes very good point and i agree with you. In my post, by 50-50 i meant by dollar amount which i think in theory is fine early in a relationship if both people are living on the lower-income person's budget, but in practice i think it signals a lack of commitment/partnership. Which is fine early in a relationship but wouldn't feel right (to me) at the living together stage. Especially when the higher earner earns significantly more.
I absolutely LOVE the framing about the value of each other's time. That's articulating why it feels so icky to me to enforce a 50-50 by dollar amount in a relationship where one person earns significantly more. “Time is the only currency that can be the base of fairness” is pure gold. Thanks for sharing!
Side chicks name may be closer to sisters name. But yea he intended to send it to someone, just not his wife.
Ba-HA. There’s a million reasons why not to, but she only needs the one she has stated: she doesn’t want to.
We’ve been together for a year though in a month. I wasn’t thinking of the fact that he never talked about a future with me before I read what he wrote to her knowing they were only together for a few months, like 2-3 months I don’t remember exactly.
definitely not pregnant— I felt sick because of nausea caused from antibiotics
You do not owe him sex. This is rape. Marital rape is illegal in all 50 states.
You’re a human being. Not a flesh light. You deserve someone who loves and respects you and listens when you say no.
Your husband is not a good man. He is an absolute monster. Someone who loves you would never do this to you.
This is 100% rape. You need to get out of this marriage.
OP, I'm worried for your safety when you decide to leave. This is a man who has been raping you consistently over years, he will not respond well to you leaving him.
Be careful. Take some time. Gather important information and pack some clothes for at least a couple of nights stay. Just enough to get out without him noticing anything missing ahead of time.
Ideally, get yourself and the kids out together and stay with someone you trust. Or if you can afford to do so, stay somewhere like a hotel that accepts cash for the booking (rather than a credit card they put a hold on, which could give him your location).
Don't tell him you're leaving in person. You can text or leave a note, after you've left and are safe at your new destination.
I recommend telling a close friend who will absolutely take your side (not his sister, or a friend you share) and let them know you're getting out by X date. They don't need to know all the details if you're not comfortable to share, but someone should be told in case he finds out the plan before you leave. That way they can raise the alarm if you don't turn up at your safe destination.
Please leave. He's not a great man. He's a rapist. He's not a great husband because he's raping his wife. He's not a great father because he's raping their mother.
End the marriage. Do so safely.
This man treats you like a child and age gap explains it. He got with you because women his age won't tolerate his bullshit. Youre easier to mold and patronise. He isn't the one for you.
You didn't misgender your bf, and your friend is being rude and white-knighting on behalf of someone who doesn't want that. Their pronouns are he/them. If he wasn't acceptable, the pronouns would be they/them, or something similar.
My partner is NB and uses she/they pronouns. Even though they are okay with both, I make an effort to use they as often as possible, because it shows that I'm not just forgetting and defaulting back to she. But I can use she when talking to people who my partner is either not out to, or who wouldn't understand or react well, because that's still one of their pronouns.
BTW, you might want to ask your bf whether they want you to use a different word than “boyfriend”. Might not be an issue, but they might be happier with a gender neutral term, and either way they'll appreciate that you thought it was worth asking about 🙂
He seems like not a very cool person.
I dunno, OP. His behavior is not that of a man who dislikes his wife.
At all.
I don't know how you should approach the Other Women part, but I suggest giving him more attention of the kind you've been doing. Show you care and appreciate him, ask to go on a few dates/outings, just the two of you. I…I think you might be surprised by what happens.
Honestly, I hope you come back in a few months or a year and tell us you're in a happy marriage after all. I'm rooting for you!
Maybe he's attracted to you, the whole package. And wouldn't want to change a thing about you because he thinks you're just so darn perfect as you are.
I hope this is fake because wtf kind of scrub man did you marry? How long were y'all dating and why would you marry a 22yr old?? I just have so many questions ?
Idk about your experience but most 22yr olds I've met (including myself here too) are/were idiots.
If you graciously replied to this post with some advice, I can’t see it, feel free to message me if possible. I’m new to reddit, dont really understand it.
Lol. This is too much. He didn't say anything that bad. Some of y'all need to learn to be more resilient.
I think you are so close to the issue you can’t see how damaging it is to you and your son. It’s not enough though for him to be an excellent husband and father some of the time when other times he is emotionally unstable or manipulative. I’d encourage you read about passive aggression and the impact it has. I’ve commented elsewhere that I’ve lived with someone like this. It’s destabilising and you question yourself a lot, especially when they are being nice. I used to think ‘surely this isn’t enough to leave a marriage for?’ But it is.
this lmao like I've never ever done something like this but I've had friends be my references all the time lol
Sounds harsh, but let her get an eye infection as it's very frustrating to deal with but super unlikely to cause permanent damage if treated right away. This is one of those situations where a person keeps doing something until they face consequences from it, I used to leave out fried rice a little too long on the counter to be safe until one day I got food poisoning from it, now I'm super careful. Most people have at least one thing like this in their life.
The thing is, I know thats what I should do, but right now I stupidly really love this girl too much to say no.
My friend told me ‘It will be the hardest no you ever say, but it will also be the most important’
When you still love somebody its hot to think/act logical.
But if it does happen im gonna try use all my willpower.
Thank you for your advice ???
If this is even real you’re a disgusting creep you’re the worst leave your daughter alone she’s better off without you.
nah, I'm 100% sure it's real, people are fucked up and honestly capable of anything, there's really no limits to what's actually possible and no minimum standard for human behavior, don't be shocked, learn from this train wreck of a life and pray you don't make a mistake anywhere near what this guy did
Minus any inkling of what your grandmother could possibly have done to this guy to give him PTSD, therapist overreach is a thing and you have to make sure the psychologist he's seeing is competent. So maybe tell him you do believe he's got trauma but to be sure you'd like him to get a second opinion from another therapist. Because unless your grandmother raised him or in his adulthood has literally put a gun to his head or something this diagnosis seems unfathomable.
Give that cat away now. That poor thing, I do t mean to guilt you but oh my god you can’t do shit like that.
My concern is if he decides to cover his tracks with another person like yourself that he would be putting in danger. That would be something that you could tell him. That you found out he was lying and putting you at danger of disease and was lied to.
Then choose what to do after that, depending on his actions. That you are not interested in him and his actions. Don't argue about it, or discuss it, or anything, just tell him the facts and make your own choices.
Trust your gut. Yours is right.
Wtf? When you meet her—let her do the all the talking. See how far she goes with it. Then destroy her.
“Hey my friends are telling me to ghost you for a few days but honestly I had too much fun, lets do it again sometime”
That is the problem with basement trolls being just as able to post comments as people who have real life, willing interactions with other human beings who actually like them
Well not really if she knew it was going on the internet
She deserves privacy. But obviously it’s too late for that
Also, the first part about it potentially having an impact on her husbands work or social life is hardly anecdotal. If your religious employer got word you were married to a former porn star, you would almost undoubtedly feel their wrath & judgement, even if it was subtle
Agreed!
Thank you for the advice. Will keep it in mind. It's possible you are right.
This is a deal breaker. You deserve a partner who cares.
i know 🙁
That isn't mentioned in your main post, so I wasn't sure. Certainly odd then that it's being kept a secret.
I think it’s about time for you to give her a much needed wake up call.
No one gets to dictate who you bring over your house . She is not a co-owner of your property, she is your tenant .
I basically said to her what most of you are saying and this is her response: “How am I taking advantage of you? I literally told you I would need someone to take care of me after the surgery. If you didn’t want to and it was too much of a “sacrifice” for you then you could’ve said no and I probably could’ve made my uncle stay home from work but I asked you first bc I didn’t want to be around his bad ass dogs and Donielle.
When the pain pills wear off in the middle of the night the swelling and pain hurts so bad I can barely think and it’s hot positioning the ice packs and when I needed your help earlier in the day you said you’d keep your phone on so I could call you if I needed help again. I get dizzy when I stand up bc I can’t eat as much and I don’t want to yell for you bc of my mouth.
I’ve told you thank you and that im sorry. And i am venerable. This fucking sucks and I literally can’t focus on anything but my swollen mouth. I’m not trying to make you angry.
And it’s not abnormal to need someone to take care of you after wisdom tooth removal. Especially 4 of them. 24-72 hours is what’s recommended for recovery. But it’s Sunday so you don’t have to worry about it now.”
I guess I’ll just go back to normal life with the knowledge in the back of my mind that I need to stand up for myself more.
She has a mental illness of some sort. who the hell brings Clorox wipes to a date and wipes her vagina and your penis. It’s definitely a her issue.
you're ungrateful for what exactly? did he support you financially during your relationship
he finds you focusing on yourself not necessary versus his needs
he liked the benifts of you not doing anything. i think you're becoming incompatible.
He seems to want a traditional SAHM
I understand, I hope you don’t think I was implying you would cheat, but understand insecurity is a hell of a thing. That being said, your weight is definitely not the only thing different about you. You said yourself, you’ve made a lot of big changes in the past few years. It’s disingenuous to act like the only change is your weight. Not only will that many changes come with a natural shift in your personality, you also said you two no longer have a big thing in common, your love for games, and more likely than not, if you’re gymming that much, the way you spend your free time has also changed significantly. Perhaps you no longer enjoy the same foods or restaurants you once did (you would almost need to, or else you wouldn’t have lost so much weight), maybe you like to go hiking whereas before you two would watch a movie instead. I get it’s hot for you to see how much you changed, because to you, you’re still “you”, but as someone who has had their partner undertake huge changes like you’re describing, I can promise you, it’s WAY more than just your weight. You’re practically a new person, and that can be scary for him, and he also may not feel like you two are on the same page anymore.
Like I said in a previous comment, just because you think everything is fine and you don’t care about how different you two are now, doesn’t mean HE doesn’t care. And based on everything you’re saying, it’s clear he cares.
He can compartmentalize
Welp then. No that is not intimate. Like at all.
I honestly don't see anything wrong with YOUR behave OP. Your friend acted weird by lying about her birthday, yes. But it's fine to have drinks and have a friend sleep over. No matter the gender. If your date was uncomfortable with it she should've told you instead of basically ghosting you. That's just immature. Even IF your friend has a thing for you – your partner needs to trust you to make the right decision.
I absolutely would never use having children as a tool to heal from trauma. Children aren’t an excuse to fix your parents’ mistakes or a vehicle to pursue dreams you never got to. I don’t want that for myself, or anyone else.
If we were to have biological children, I would be the one to carry. We do (thankfully) have a support system, one that if after discussion and we agreed that is something we both want, we would be able to rely on if something happened to either or both of us. After helping to care for the baby, this is something I’ve thought about a lot.
This is sexual assault. Report it, tell GF and have her kicked out of the house. Now!
Jesus Christ… good thing nobody here has ever paid a person they’ve never met to massage their hot body! The fact that this should cause him to be crucified says as much about you as it does him. People do things for reasons others can’t relate with until they’re in a position where they can. He didn’t go to a brothel and throw his penis into a prostitute. The notion of massage is so skewed anyway… it’s as personal a profession as anything and people who are comfortable lying hot while a person massages you with oil cannot do this without some level of discomfort or simply throwing caution to the wind. I stopped getting massages years ago because of reports of illegal sexual activities going on at even the most “professional” of places. It’s a thin line that’s so easily crossed it’s not worth the risk. The guy reached a point of self-clarity where he wanted to be totally transparent with you, and while it’s your choice to sever the relationship upon him purging to you, I hope you understand that things like this are pretty tame in the grand scheme of things. Not that you should lower your standards at all, but life should not be scrutinized in a “one strike you’re out” manner. The things I’ve learned about myself and the things I’ve done that I wouldn’t do now are pretty stark. Doesn’t make me a terrible person, just a person who is fortunate enough that the errors of my ways have not caused permanent harm to myself or others.
give her three months, with counseling and personal therapy for both.
use that three months to plan an exit : bag to go, contact lawyer, keep important papers in security, ask ow to separate bills and bank accounts.
the one time she hits you, take out the paper from your desk and launch the full process.
Well I mean if he really is gay then it could just be harmless. If he is bi-sexual, straight, or has any history or preference dating women, I would be concerned and communicate with my fiancé and then see where we stand given the conversation.
We… do not need any idea!
We… do! You have no idea what OP is like, for all we know she could be manipulating us here and misrepresenting the story.
Ew. Just ew. Lila seems predatory.
I meant the cut your losses part. She has no other option
Yeah but it’s still a old, commonly used excuse for when guys don’t want to do it. And that’s what the person is calling out. And it’s valid for them to call it out even if it wasn’t THE reason.
My gf doesn’t ever want me to kiss her after I eat her out, even if I wipe my mouth. I don’t find it disrespectful. Some people are just incredibly sensitive to their own taste/smell and don’t like it. Idk, it’s not necessarily a red flag to me.
“All my friends say that my bf is wrong for this” does though tbh. Would you want him asking all of his friends for their opinions about your sex life?
Maybe he is diabetic which could cause it. Men can also get yeast infections, he should get it checked out
Me and my gf really trust each other and she is being genuine here I’m sure. She just wants to help her best friend out however she can
Please get out of this relationship.
Your partner is a physically abusive asshole, and you need to prioritise your own safety. There's no fixing people like him, and him lecturing you about it being your fault speaks volumes. He's responsible for his actions, not you.
When I was in a physically abusive relationship, being choked was actually the final straw for me that gave me the strength to leave. The risk of being killed by your partner goes up astronomically when something like that happens. There's a very thin line there.
Him begging you for forgiveness is nothing more than emotional manipulation. Leaving is the only option you should be considering.
You don't let him know you're going to be leaving. You simply leave. You owe no explanation. What's important is your safety. There are domestic violence hotlines that can advise you on making a plan.
I'm sorry he's a “bad husband” for even uttering you being a bad wife for enjoying a passion that brings you happiness and money. Most men would find that super sexy I'd think. He sounds needy and insecure and those traits are hot to shake. Don't stay if it's not for you.
Give him time, maybe it shocked him too. Maybe he doesn’t realize how this came about finally coming out and in his mind thought you were close enough that you would have felt save telling him this. I think it’s just a communication issue at the moment.
Yes it makes perfect sense from the perspective of someone who wants an excuse to treat you like shit.
He should want to treat you well because he cares abt you and it’s the right thing to do…
Totally agree. Could you imagine it was man on here making this post. He’d be getting ripped apart for treating his wife with such disrespect ??♀️ double standards eh
She betrayed you, her friend betrayed you, and she will continue being friends with her. The reason she cheated is not because she was drunk, but because you've been together your whole lives and she's curious about what else is out there, I've seen it a million times on this subreddit. It's over, how much you end up suffering is up to how long it takes you to accept that.
Your Body, Your Choice. Sing it with me.
The question is not: “Husband, can I get a tattoo?”
The question is: “Husband, while I understand you have a preference, who told you that your preference about what I do with my body should over rule my choice about what I do with my body?”
Seriously, you can’t please both your husband and yourself in this situation. You have to decide which one of your opinions matters most. Since it’s your body and something that you want to do that doesn’t involve him, I vote for you. But that’s honestly your call.
This was the comment I was going to make – suicidal AND 6 years to live!?? She’s an ex but also I’m everything to her? It would HURT her…to know that her boyfriend is continuing to cheat?
But mostly the double death excuses – suicide and mystery disease – hilarious.
There have been women and men who have had male bridesmaids and female groomsmen.
I think she sees that you now have your next partner and going through many emotions including jealousy and entitlement.
It’s quite possible that she may change the tune, till the other women goes away. Once that happens your wife may revert back to her usual self.
Either way, this is not about what she wants. What do YOU want?
Good. You are not married so do what is best for you. You will never forget this and he can’t be trusted. EVER.
Regarding baggage- my issue isn’t even the drug use specifically as I do think that’s not the root problem here. It’s all the thought abs behavior patterns that caused him to resort to actually using heroin. To put it bluntly, you have to have a very specific way of thinking and acting if you resort to using that drug. It’s so extremely destructive and chaotic. I notice so many things about him- he is so impulsive, he can not be alone with his thoughts, he needs constant entertainment, he is unable to cope with any hardship, he is emotionally fragile and eruptive, and he seems to hide things from me. He also told me that he used to cheat on his girlfriend because he was bored and sleeping around with “ugly girls” (as he called it) was exciting and a power dynamic he enjoyed exploring. He told me that he craved chaos, and was a thrill seeker. He told me he had a dark gambling past which his rich father had to bail him out of multiple times. So with all this baggage, I’ve been walking on eggshells every time he’s out of my eyesight. The good things about him are what kept me there – he’s extremely emotionally expressive, supportive to me, kind and sweet and generous. He’s deep and thoughtful and highly intelligent. He sees beauty in a lot of things people don’t, he gets excited and emotional in films. He’s the most fun person I’ve ever met. He cracks me up nonstop and is such a good friend to his friends, which he has many of. He is loyal to his friends and will go out of his way to help them. So these are the positives that I love about him. Not sure if they are even that rare or if they outweigh the fact that he is a drug addict with such a dark past. I really truly can not trust him in my gut.
53yo dude here, nope that’s a creep. I work with some gorgeous nurses under 25 but they just seem like kids to me and touching them like you describe ! Nah this guys weird. Wildest thing I ever did was accept a hug.
I 100% feel like she’s not. I just feel like she’s not willing to hear me out. I hate that I feel the way that I feel because I’m not this person usually.
Hate CRPS, I have it and hEDS. It aggravated both conditions working in the medical field. The medical field is body taxing. We really need to treat our healthcare workers better.
Also, I wish OPs stepdaughter luck and to remember to take care of herself. Working in healthcare can burn you out fast if you don't.
Holy crap. You win the internet today /u/RNorWhatever.
Drop him, take her out to dinner every week and make her your BFF. If I knew a dude that was 13 years younger than me and I could just help him emotionally and be a friend I'd go for it.
Girl- either you break up or understand that he's going to do things that you're uncomfortable with, and he expects you to get over it.
As a guy who has about an equal number of female and male friends, I don’t think that’s a problem at all. However, your bf admitted to having a crush on this female friend, and two, this friend is clearly trying to hold his interest for some reason (maybe to actually try and hook up with him, maybe because she likes the attention, or maybe it’s personal against OP).
Regardless the motivation, you expressed how pot felt about her and he’s acting shady and being dishonest in order to keep his friendship with her. If he prioritized you, he would keep everything above board, tell this friend ro back off, and try and smooth things over.
I would tell him you’re not comfortable with how he acts towards this friend and if he wants to be with her just end it me you. If not, he needs fo be upfront with you and distance himself with her. Give specifics about why she’s been inappropriate.
If you are meeting her only in a situation where she is required to interact politely with you, just don’t. Don’t bother people who are working and whose job depends on being polite to you.
If none of this applies, you could try saying “I like talking with you and I’d like to get to know you better. Would you be interested in getting a coffee some time?” If she says “yes”, great! If she says “no”, smile and say “Ah well, I had to try.” Then, either way (this is important) continue treating her like a valuable human being that you enjoy interacting with.
Thank you so much for your kind response. You made a lot of great points, and it made me really think about everything. I apologize for not responding earlier, but I felt that I needed to check out from social media and let my brain take a break from this whole situation. The part about my mom not being able to grow from the relationship of me as her child vs me now as an adult, really resonated with me. The funny thing is, that this all happened not too long after I moved in with my husband, about 6 months after we started dating. It was slow, but then it became more and more. I remember one time I wanted to spend time with my mom for either her birthday or Mother's Day, and they are typically the same day, same week or side by side. And I remember that she couldn't take the time to make plans with me, and only had time to spend with my brother. The reason we can't share her attention on that day is because he cannot relinquish control over her attention. I referenced my wedding planning, and I didn't give a lot of details. But one of the things, that has still been mentioned to this day, that was a problem for her, is that I didn't include her in any of it. She got mad because I had been talking to my aunt (her sister) once we started getting closer to the date, because I was tired of not being able to get her help. She got mad the day before while setting up, because my aunt knew more than she did. That's because my aunt knew I needed the help and knew that my mom wasn't helping. I wanted to iron all of the seat covers, my mom said that they were fine (they weren't, they were completely wrinkled) but my MIL stepped up and went and bought a couple irons and ironing boards and started ironing everything, because she knew that I needed them ironed.
I don't want to give up on them, but at the same time I am just so very exhausted. I feel like with everything they have said to me, that they are the ones (especially my brother) that has given up on me. I see your advice on maybe sending a gift card or something, and that is something I may do soon. I heard that they are finally opening a Pizza Hut (one of her favorites) in town, so I was considering sending her a gift card so that she can treat herself. I think that the one thing I am going to allow myself to do, is to finally separate the very last thing that I have that she can hold over me. I've always been on their family cellphone plan, just because it is so much cheaper. But I am going to finally get my own plan. One to separate that and finances, and because it will end up saving them close to $400 a year, and I know that will help them very much. We are not rich or even fully without debt, but we do pretty well for ourselves, and I think it's time for me to do that. My husband still has his on his parents, but we will change his in time, I'm sure.
Thank you for the quote as well. That really made me think, and that is what I want. I want to live! my life the way I want, along with my husband. We are making our little family, just us and our cat and dog for now, but I have to take care of my mental wellbeing first. And that's just what I am going to.
I truly want to thank you for everything you said, and would love more insight, if you're welling.
Like what kind of work is this guy doing that he can just go edge himself all day? Who has time for that??
You mentioned she just stopped birth control a year ago, was she on birth control the whole time you were together? Birth control changes who you’re attracted to.
Yes that could be it! Also have been pretty tired and sensitive. Feeling better about it today. Thanks for understanding!!!
Bad take, and your victim shaming is pathetic.
Yep, when they realize they can treat you as an option-they will.
I don't know about the statute of limitations in your area but the charge would be statutory rape. Doesn't matter that you were willing at the time- at 14 you cannot legally consent. Go to your parents so you can work on yourself and your health. Sign up for either SSI or SSDI. See if you qualify for medicaid. Assuming you're in America. He is responsible for his own life- threatening Self harm is a manipulation. If you're that concerned call the police for a welfare check once you've left and he threatens. Take action to save yourself.
You definitely need a new therapist. You should install cameras around your property. Do not answer the door anytime they show up. Document everything and try to get a restraining order. When it’s time for the birth of your baby let security, doctors, nurses and friends know they aren’t wanted and do not let them in.
This right here.
Well she threatened and you followed thru. Whats the issue? She isnt doing anything to contribute to the relationship.
Foster children age out of the system at 18. Sometimes the have options that allow them to stay with a particular family for longer than that, especially if they’re continuing their education, but ‘foster’ in the US strongly implies that she’s under 18, otherwise she wouldn’t be there.
Also it’s illegal for foster kids to have sexual contact with the biological children of their foster parents, whether they’re 18 or not, so this is a crime. It needs to be reported to the foster sisters case manager, ASAP.
If you like her, just ask her out. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Chat gpt
Id be banishing this negative Nancy immediately if you value your long term mental stability.
He doesn’t engage in foreplay too much
Wait, I thought you said he was a nice guy and does the little things? Jokes aside (it's not really a joke though is it?), sexual compatibility is a thing. At the same time, both parties caring about the other having pleasure during sex, a good thing.
When it comes to kissing
Going for 2 minutes, lack of foreplay to the point you have to use lube (unless there's a big size differential) should be gimmies that things aren't going the right way and picked up by him too.
Not everyone is up for delviering the “man handling” but also conflating masculinity and aggressive sex play, the two don't match up. It's entirely possible to meet someone who isn't outwardly macho but will absolutely tick the boxes in bed like you've never had them ticked before.
Talking about it is likely the best thing. Delivering it kindly, also a good thing. Nobody, regardless of downstairs equipment, ever wants to be told they suck at sex. So a good bedside manner really helps. How he responds to that? If it's anger and negativity (if you've been kind) then maybe not such a nice guy. Or perhaps you're simply sexually incompatibile. Not all bridges can be built.
Pregnant
You talk to her about it the next day and then if it can't be resolved then you post here.
You are going to get a lot of knee jerk terrible takes by posting it before you two were able to talk.
Also… 24-28 were my most crazy years when it came to emotions and I definitely did some stuff out of stress/anger I'm not proud of. 32 dude here who has calmed down A LOT.